to distance myself from brand new SIL?

[Daddymacjump]

Long-time poster but I've NC because thanks quite identifying to the people who witnessed this and my best friend who I've been on the phone in tears to!

DBro got married today to a woman I'm not too fond of. Not a big deal, I adore my brother and this is who he has chosen to spend his life with so I've always had a "grin and bear it" mentality. She's been quite rude in the past but I honestly try so hard to be nice to her.

(Some of you may remember my post from a couple of years ago about whether I could uninvite her from Christmas day drinks because she had made some extremely insensitive comments about her pregnancy in direct relation to my infertility).

Anyway, today was their long awaited wedding day. Very small wedding, all six of the seven children invited were bridesmaids/page boys (including my nearly 2yo DS) except my DSS. Fine, whatever, grin and bear it. My DS was being very challenging trying to get him to stand still waiting around - it's been a long journey to the wedding, approx 2 days in the car - and he was getting very upset so I gave him a dummy which he usually only has for naps. SIL commented how it was such a shame he's going to have a dummy in all her wedding photos from the service. But fine, grin and bear it.

Then afterwards whilst my DH is taking photos (amateur photographer and obviously doing this for free) I made a joke to DH and SIL. I said "have the camera ready and I'll hop on her back for a photo". She said, in front of half of the guests "Ouch, do that and I'll end up in A&E! Maybe best if it's the other way round and I'll hop on yours " followed by a tinkly laugh.

I'm honestly done. Yes I'm big - a tall size 16 opposed to her small framed size 10. It was clearly a joke I was making. But FFS was it really necessary to point out that if I was to hope on her back I would crush her?!

I'm so done with grinning and bearing it but I really love my brother and don't want to distance myself from him. He wasn't there when she said it and didn't see me go for a little cry afterwards (a stealth cry, which nobody except for my mum and dad noticed) so he has no idea. Rightly so because I do not want drama on his wedding day or following it. What the fuck do I do now? I was nice to her for the remainder of the reception and she did come up and tell me how lovely I looked in my dress, after i had commented how stunning she was in hers. So I know I can be civil and even kind to her, but it is exhausting me!

I really don't want to miss out on time with my brother/nieces and nephews though so I think once again I'm going to have to grin and bear it.

No, poor sweetie, this is the wrong interpretation. To "grin and bear it" implies that the other person is in the wrong while you're being a brave little soldier gracefully tolerating someone else's mistake. That is not what is going on.

From what you've said here, in my opinion you are being a bit too sensitive. I understand, that you feel hurt and offended and you're definitely allowed to feel that way but at the same time, the offenses which were actually committed don't appear to me, to be really as great as you perceive them to be.

I sometimes have the same problem so if you figure out how to develop a thicker skin or whatever, let me know!

Is there anything you do like about her? does she have any good qualities at all? Maybe try tricking your mind into being less sensitive where she is concerned, by focusing your attention on her qualities which you can appreciate?

themutts I did in fact "wow" the A&E comment (after he bridesmaid had "ouched" it) and walked off for a breather. Not sure it made a difference though!

Ohello she has made three very lovely children who bring happiness to my life. She seems to make my brother happy (if I ignore the debt she is getting him into). I could probably find so much more to like about her if I spent more time with her, but it's a Catch 22 because it also leaves me more frustrated when she says certain things. As I've said I agree I'm being sensitive about this but there are so many other times where she has been very hurtful so I tend to take what she says to heart.

It sounds like she was really trying to do a nice thing by asking your DS.

If it was going to eat you up, I think you needed to have addressed it at the time by saying that it might be hurtful for your DSS to have only your DS, and you felt it would best to have both or neither of the boys. That you completely understood if she therefore wanted neither, and that you were sure she would understand as she her own step situation.

It sounds like she was very insensitive about your struggle with infertility, but I do feel you are letting that colour your view of otherwise innocuous interactions. For the good of your relationship with your brother, I think you need to learn to cope with these feelings.

She does sound tricky, and prepared to be unkind.
I would just cut communication down when you see her. Socialise with people you want to see at family gatherings. don’t direct remarks/ questions/ jokes at her. Save your breath for people in your family that you like .
It’s possiblw to be civil but not give her attention ( ammunition).
Hope you find your way through it op.

Jean thanks. I hadn't realised DSS would be the only other child there who wasn't given a role so hadn't realised it would be such an issue. He's only young himself and got a bit upset when all the other children were in photos and he was asked to stay out of them. If there were a couple of others I don't think he would have noticed.

I know me and her aren't ever going to be the best of friends and I need to learn to cope with my feelings about things she has done in the past, but I'm struggling to put it all behind me when every time I see her she comes out with more. But I will find a way. I'm sure she's not doing anything on purpose so I need to remind myself that.

I wouldn't love a kid with a dummy in wedding pics, and whilst it was a little tactless to say so, I don't think it was awful of her.

I wouldn't love it either, but if you are daft enough to ask an under 2 yr old to be a bridal attendant, you have to expect him to act his age.

I'm not a fan of this Royal Wedding inspired use of small children as props.

OP you are probably a little sensitive to the things she says to you as you've had comments in the past.

If it was my wedding I'd much rather a 2 year old had a dummy in than screamed during the ceremony, yes would be nice for formal photos if not in but not the end of the world.

The jumping on the back photo was clearly meant as a joke as your bro did it your husband at the wedding so it makes sense and not out of malice or anything that you should say it to her, her responsive however was insensitive and she probably knew what she was saying and that it would hurt.

Unfortunately you are probably going to have to put up with her comments etc when you see them but probably a good idea to limit that time a little!

I think maybe it wasn’t the wedding itself but a build up of things OP? And frankly she doesn’t sound very nice. Infertility is shit, been there, so to have her make crass remarks is likely still bothering you deep down - it would me, as it shows a giant level of insensitivity. Only somebody whose walked that road and had the stupid remarks, and adopted, and had stupid remarks or attitudes about that, can understand that the way people treat you during those raw times really makes a difference. You pretty quickly work out the nature of someone when you say you’re infertile or you say you’re adopting, and it sounds like she was thoughtless toward you and it still hurts, probably more because she hasn’t even realised it was hurtful.

So if I’m right, she’s been downright insensitive about your DSS, infertility, adoption, and your weight ...and you’re not sure you like her because she’s a bit of a cow. I don’t much like the sound of her either.

BUT she is now your SIL and she may not have intended any of those things as they sounded, so if they are a genuine issue maybe you should let the post-wedding dust settle and then have a coffee and a chat with her and go from there.

My SIL is a complete dick of the highest order, I tend to think nobody can be as bad as her. I once asked her what the issue was and I’d upset her at some stage as she seemed to against me and she told me flatly that if she didn’t want to speak to somebody she wouldn’t. It appears she’s not wanted to speak to me for 20 years, and with it I’ve lost any relationship with my brother. But I really hope she’s an anomaly and not the norm for SILs as my other two are fine.

So although I think your SiL sounds a bit ignorant / insensitive, maybe it can be worked on and improved to have a tolerable relationship? It’s got to be better than mine where every family occasion sees her refusing to even say hello to 90% of us!

Can't understand this thread at all.
There is fuck all wrong with a two year old having his dummy in. It's a stressful situation for children, having to stay quiet, tired yet hyper. They were took out for the photos ffs.

Op she sounds like a dick. Not enough of one to blank her though.
Just keep your distance.

I’m still wondering, why you (or anyone) would say, I’ll hop on her (bride) back, for a photo? It’s sounds so weird, unless there was some kind of jokey conversation about riding???

It's obviously a strained relationship but the only thing that makes me a bit 'hmmm' about this thread and your Christmas drinks one, is that you seem to go to great lengths to 'over explain' how completely reasonable you are to her at all times.

Now that may be true and it may be the most one-sided strained relationship ever, but my bet is the unreasonable behaviour probably works both ways, as it so often does in most tricky relationships.

I thought your joke to the bride was rude. You keep calling it a joke though and insist her reply was rude. If she didn’t fire back at you and just left to go have a cry over your “joke” would you tell her she’s being over sensitive and she needs to get a sense of humour?

I think you hurt her feelings and she retaliated in anger rather than tears.

Worra understandable, I am an overly defensive person and you wouldn't be the first person in my life to pick up on that!

I'm sure she could probably find a nice long list of things I have said it done that she doesn't like or agree with, but I can hand on heart say that I have never been anything but kind to her. Which is why I am consoling myself with the notion that she probably hasn't intended to upset me because she probably believes she has been nothing but kind to me too.

Valasca of course not. If I had upset her I would be absolutely mortified and apologise for what I have ALREADY said countless times on here was a misjudged joke. I would not tell someone who was upset by something too had said that they were being too sensitive and it was only a joke, because I'm not a complete arsehole.

Ahh well you may find yourself biting your tongue for the rest of your life, but it's probably worth it to keep the peace. Unless she does something major of course.

YABU and over sensitive. You made an odd and unfunny joke, she responded with an unfunny response, and you cry so that parents notice. I suspect the back story is colouring your view of twO fairly unremarkable comments

I can hand on heart say that I have never been anything but kind to her

This is exactly the sort of thing a particularly manipulative overly dramatic relative of mine would say - a grand, vast, unsubstantiated subjective viewpoint about how every single interaction has been nothing but sweetness and kindness on her part. Which, of course, is only one side to the story.

OP, i maintain my original response - you seem to be overly invested in blaming SIL for stuff, bending over backwards to explain how reasonable you've been in dealing with her...

The truth is that it's just your viewpoint, and it's likely a clouded one that doesn't portray the truth.
Or maybe SIL is an unreasonable, spiteful woman.
None of us know.

I just know that I treat with suspicion anyone who claims to be the Mary Poppins of good grace in familial matters where there's clearly a relationship problem - it's rarely that black and white (in fact I've never seen anything so clear cut).

Didn't cry so that my parents noticed, I'm not 3. I got upset so removed myself from the situation so as not to cause a scene so went to the toilets. Which happened to be where my dad was waiting for my mum. I hadn't been monitoring my mother's toilet habits so wasn't aware that's where she would be.

I really can't see how I'm bending over backwards but whatever, the irony is that as soon as someone accuses you of being defensive, you can't defend yourself against it. So I won't bother. I've had countless people who know the details of the relationship tell me that they don't know how I can be so nice to her after some of the things she has done, so I know I'm clearly not being a total cow.

You dont like her and regardless of whether you feel you’ve been nothing but kind to her (relationships are never that one sided) your dislike of her comes through even here. She will sense it

Hmmm, ok you clearly don't like her and hold a massive grudge against her, you're also not really willing to grin and bear it, more you are over reacting to everything she says which you deem to be slightly off and underplaying your own behaviour.

You asked rhe question on here, were told, yes you're being unreasonable and aren't really willing to accept it.

Your joke of "hold the camera I'll jump on her back" wasn't funny, it was like she was some form of pack horse and quite disrespectful to a woman at her wedding, So she bit back, good for her.

If you give it op, you should take it. And quite frankly crying where your parents could see you is really drama llama attention seeking stuff. I can only assume you wanted them to know. Otherwise you could have cried in a cubicle.

I strongly suspect her side of this would be very different.

I can hand on heart say that I have never been anything but kind to her

Really? Even though several people have pointed out that the jumping on back comment could easily be taken as unkind?

I agree with Eilaianne above.

Of course my dislike for her comes through here - I wouldn't be posting if she was my favourite person! I don't like her because she has said hurtful things to me over a long period of time. Today has tipped me over the edge but I accept I'm being sensitive because I'm tired and ratty and just fed up of criticisms on my parenting. I reality I will wake up tomorrow and everything will carry on as it was and my relationship with her will remain the same.

The joke was rude. Probably better to keep your mouth shut if you can't be nice to her.