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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

370 replies

Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 15:22

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 25/10/2018 07:14

Snitzelvoncrumb
If a child has sensory needs or SEND then shouting at then is no more effective than being violent.
If she calls out it needs to be at the teacher as she moves away from the situation.
It's for the teacher to manage the situation.

Sleepyblueocean · 25/10/2018 07:14

Another one teaching their child to assault others rather than stepping up as a parent to sort it out.

sonandhelpneeded · 25/10/2018 07:31

@Stressedoutmamma do you actually think that hitting the boy will stop him then? Really think it will stop the touching?

I think YABVU!

SnuggyBuggy · 25/10/2018 07:35

It might not stop the touching but it sounds like she needs to cause some sort of disturbance for the teacher to take notice

Cheeeeislifenow · 25/10/2018 07:39

@snuggybuggy

The adult in the situation needs to make an appointment to see teacher,explain how unhappy she is, give time to allow it to be resolved, if it isn't escalate it to the hear. It is not up to the child to resolve the issue.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 25/10/2018 07:40

Calling out to the teacher would work too, that would be the first thing, but if that didn't work then I would tell her to shout, loud right in his face. No one has the right to touch you, and it's so important that our daughters grow up knowing they don't have to tolerate being touched if they don't want to be. It doesn't matter if he has sn. Hopefully if she stands up and loudly interrupts the class every time it happens the teacher will stop it happening. Obviously this is only if talking to the teacher about it hasn't worked. The worst possible thing is to tell her she has to just sit there and take it.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 25/10/2018 07:55

OP, don’t worry about being ‘that’ parent. Focus on your dd.

The usual teacher being off is a red herring. Write a letter to be handed in at drop-off - I spoke to Mrs so and so on such and such a day and asked her to address this issue. My dd is still having to put up with it and it makes her feel (go into details).

Then look at the school’s anti bullying and welfare policies online. There will be something in there about supporting and looking after kids. Quote it back and say they are in breach of it.

Ask for a meeting- they can ring you if you can’t be there because of work.

Original poster
Stressedoutmamma · 25/10/2018 08:43

As bad as this may sound I mainly wanted her to hit him for the teachers to understand how bad it is for her and when I say hit I mean a push or a swat and as I said I will go into school after half term and book an appointment to speak

OP posts:
sonandhelpneeded · 25/10/2018 08:45

@Stressedoutmamma actually I think telling your daughter to hit the child is very poor parenting!

Take some time off work, go see the teacher and don't ask your mum to deal
with it!

It's your responsibility to your daughter to sort this out!

DelphiniumBlue · 25/10/2018 08:55

Complain in writing. Keep an email trail. Initial email to head, and if no proper response, copy in the Chair of Governors.
Your DD should not have to be responsible for policing the boy, she has told you and told the teacher that it's happening repeatedly. The school need to take action.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 25/10/2018 08:59

I don't think I said suck it up Giles. Having a DD with sensory issues, I've explained how to deal with it.

Tell the teacher. The teacher should explain to him that people don't like being constantly stroked and give him a piece of soft fabric to stroke instead.

MissEliza · 25/10/2018 09:38

I would recommend that your dd shouts very loudly 'stop touching' me. If the teacher still does nothing, go in with all guns blazing.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/10/2018 09:40

It sounds like the adult has done this repeatedly and it isn't working

Scrumplestiltskin · 25/10/2018 09:45

Sleepyblueocean

What is the headteacher going to do that the teacher hasn't? Sure, headteacher next after teacher then, but in the meantime, the child's still being touched against her will.
And what happens if the headteacher "takes" the same action as the teacher?

If a person kept touching you all over and wouldn't stop, would you just let it go? Frankly I'm shocked OP's daughter hasn't shoved or thumped him already out of instinctual bodily protection.

Sleepyblueocean · 25/10/2018 09:47

Hitting him won't tell the teacher how bad it is for her. It will mean they view her as a child that hits and if they find out it is you told her to do it it will mean they will have views on your parenting. It will take the focus of the problem you want sorted out.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/10/2018 09:55

Hitting might help with the teachers selective blindness. Another option would be for her to stand up and walk away from the boy.

HauntedPencil · 25/10/2018 09:58

Can't you see that's a bit of a weird strategy?

Wouldn't it be FAR better to have a meeting with school?

That's putting the onus on the child to sort it out themselves adopting a strategy which is only going to get them the wrong kind of attention

SnuggyBuggy · 25/10/2018 10:00

She has spoken to the school, is she supposed to keep her daughter off school until she can schedule a meeting? The girl needs a strategy in the meantime.

Sleepyblueocean · 25/10/2018 10:03

Scrumplestiltskin you insist they sort it out. How do you think parents of children with sn get their children's needs met? You keep on at them until something is done. In this case one carefully worded email to the headteacher is likely to be all that is required to get the OP's daughter sitting away from him.
I have a child who gets so upset by others invading his personal space that he bites and hits himself so I do know what it is like.

abacucat · 25/10/2018 10:03

The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Quiet compliant kids - usually girls - get ignored all the time when there are issues that are deeply affecting them. I know, I was one.

abacucat · 25/10/2018 10:04

And quiet compliant SN kids rarely get their needs met either, or it takes a long time.

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/10/2018 10:04

Agreed snuggy

I don't agree with hitting that's not the answer at all.

But the teacher isn't going to deal with anything until it becomes really inconvenient for them. Getting up and moving woukd do that. Probably get the meeting agreed far sooner as well.

HauntedPencil · 25/10/2018 10:05

If it's that important that you want a kid to sort it out through hitting you can get down the school, ring, email

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling the adults you worry she will lash out as she's really struggling with it but to tell a kid to do it, that's weird.

Remember they are 5 not older kids.

Scrumplestiltskin · 25/10/2018 10:08

it will mean they will have views on your parenting
That's fine by me. My parenting is such that I won't tolerate adults responsible for my child's wellbeing to allow them to be touched against their will. And that I will encourage my children to defend themselves in an escalating pattern, until they find something that works, or the teacher actually bothers to do something about it.
Defending your bodily autonomy is an especially important thing to teach in a little girl - and if violence is needed, then violence it is.
Quite frankly though, I'm horrified that the other child's parents and the teacher aren't taking steps to prevent this. The solution seems so simple! Move the little boy a short distance from the others, and give him something soft to fidget with.

LuvSmallDogs · 25/10/2018 10:13

If your daughter hit my DS2, he would probably scream in delight and jump on her for more. His sensory-seeking means he has a much higher threshold for rough play than most kids - after all, to him headbutting a wall feels good. His difficulty empathizing also means that tears and cross voices make him piss himself laughing rather than feel bad.

This is partly why I want him to go to SN school rather than be bodged into MS. I don’t want parents of NT children encouraging them to hit him, or exclude him from whole class parties, or decide how the teacher or I should punish him because he’s some horrible future abuser or whatever you can tar a 4/5 y/o as.