Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

[Stressedoutmamma]

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

[KOKOagainandagain]

For those suggesting violence (escalating!) is better dished out by a classmate than a burly bloke on the bus when an adult, you are demonstrating a poor understanding of sensory issues whether these are due to asynchronous development (as common in gifted DC) or associated with autism or stand alone or with no apparent cause.

My son was a stoker/toucher in reception but is not at 12. He is autistic (so called high functioning but is also 'twice exceptional' as academically gifted). So he has potentially asynchronous development (age equivalent in one area much higher than in another) and/or developmental delay. He does not have arrested development. So at age 5 he might have the mathematical ability of a 16 year old but the same problems with emotional regulation and boundary issues seen in a 3 year old. Would you tell a reception child to hit a pre-school child that was bothering them? He continues to develop but this development is delayed so that by 8 he behaves like an average 5/6 year old etc. He still gets there, it just takes longer. The idea that he will never develop skills with appropriate teaching and the simple passage of time is just wrong.

Also he doesn't/didn't just learn things without explicit teaching like an average child. Social stories are designed to make the taken for granted explicit. He is also a black and white thinker and doesn't generalise rules to different situations. He doesn't get nuances - eg it is OK for Jane to plait Anne's hair during circle time because they are BFF but you can't because you are a boy and in any case Anne doesn't want to be friends with you because then she will be teased that you are her boyfriend 'kissing in a tree'.

I say this to help you understand. Practically you have to focus on your own child. This means you need to gather more information and make less judgements that justify OTT reactions. Does he also touch other DC? Does your daughter always sit close to him at carpet time? This will help you phrase your concerns (keep to a minimum) and help you identify exactly what you are asking for. Phrase it that she is struggling to focus, pay attention and learn otherwise you are likely to be fobbed - other DC cope, she needs to learn to be more resilient etc. Ask for a simple, cost free solution - she doesn't sit close to him.

The issue of his behaviour is not your daughter's or your problem. This is unlikely to be a specific issue related to your daughter alone. What the school are doing to address this (and possibly other issues that are more problematic to the teaching staff) are really not your concern and will be shut down. Respect confidentiality and stop trying to stir-up a witch hunt (let's hope your lack of contact with the school extends to parents of classmates and you have not also done this in RL as well as on MN).

[RomanyRoots]

KeepOn

My dd had problems with boundaries, but didn't touch anyone.
She would get too close to somebody, didn't have any spatial awareness and would shout, she didn't know she was shouting.
She doesn't do it now, she is 14 but the intervention from her SENCO didn't put it right straight away. She too is exceptionally gifted and diagnosed with an ASD, they said Aspergers at the time.

We don't know the school aren't addressing the situation. The OP would have no clue as they are hardly going to discuss it with her.
No intervention has 100% improvement immediately, it takes time. Nobody except the school and the child's parents know if interventions have been put in place.

[Mrsfrumble]

KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain's post is excellent and and wise. I really hope the OP reads it.

[KOKOagainandagain]

Romany - it takes an age even if the school are on it. Unless the child came to the school with an EHCP and all assessments conducted and provision put in place they would only have had a half term to gather information. Even then there would be the shift to 'big' school to take into account. The school would then be expected to try 'normal' measures before calling in the EP. Parents might have to go to GP for OT referral. Diagnosis might be needed (so GP referral to CP or CAMHs depending on area) to call in outreach for social stories etc. Even then diagnosis can take years. EHCP can take years.

Behaviour might only have become problematic since starting school, parents might be oblivious, explaining by other factors, in denial etc. It all takes time.

Meanwhile classroom life continues with the fallout being experienced by the child affected and/or their classmates depending on presentation. It is a crap situation. For everyone.

Have some compassion though. Sitting next to a child with SEN/SN really is not the same as living with a lifelong SEN/SN.

Someone else being disabled does not make you a victim. Even if they are male and you are female.

[Oswin]

Romany well we do know they are doing nothing because he hasn't been moved. Which would have been the easiest thing to do. Yet he hasn't and the dd is expected by the teachers to put up with it.

[SnuggyBuggy]

@KeepOn, him getting hit probably won't help the boy but some sort of reaction might make the adults responsible for him grow the hell up and actually do something to protect him before it gets to the point where it might be an aggressive man his does this to.

I agree both are being failed

[Scrumplestiltskin]

Someone else being disabled does not make you a victim.
What?? Actually it does, if they keep touching you against your will.

[YouCanCallMeJodieWho]

OP you posted this more than 24 hours ago so you are clearly able to type and use email. If you are unable to go into school to talk to the teacher in the morning why on earth are you still refusing to email?

Please stop this witch hunt against this small child and step up to your job. Email the school. Don't wait 'until after half term' 'when I can have a meeting'.

I'm sorry your daughter isn't feeling safe but that's the school's fault and you need to enforce it.

If this has really gone on every day, twice a day, for two months, why have you not already been emailing the school? Loads of parents can't make either drop off or pick up, or both. And they use their adult brains to write an email to the school at a time they are free. And then you can stop whipping up this hatred on-line.

[FuzzyShadowChatter]

If this was one of mine, I'd support them in feeling able to follow through an agreed upon processes that I would roleplay out with them to help build confidence and reassure them that I will support them even if they get a sad face or otherwise in trouble if they use it appropriately with someone being physical with them or defending someone else. I agree with getting in touch with the head and arranging with a meeting for the teacher ASAP however you can and if possible - I know not all jobs and financial situations are good for this - taking a half day or two to try to get it sorted, but building up confidence in herself and her boundaries would be important to me as well.

What process is up to you - there are many options floating around on this. The 3 rule is common. I use it and I find it easy to roleplay with kids: 1st ask them to stop politely/firmly/loudly once and leave if possible, 2nd tell them to stop with a warning that if they continue you will defend yourself and leave if possible, 3rd Defense until they stop or an adult gets involved and removes them. This defense is usually physical though moving hands away and pinning hands down or together while repeating that they need to stop doing X I find works well with kids and better than hitting.

Alongside cuddly toys and distractions that others have mentioned that adults can use which would be very difficult for another child to do, I actually have found the above particularly helpful with my own children both in giving them very clear steps and expectations and for when they get dangerously physical with me, others, or themselves. People can think what they want of my parenting but being a disabled woman and having a couple sensory seeking kids, one who went from stroking habit to a habit of hitting me, his father, himself, & his siblings, the 3 rule was one of the major parts of us working through that.

I would fully support a child of mine doing that when faced with a kid who won't stop touching them. It's not about hate - it's about feelings like we're worth defending too. It's far better to have that boundary and sense of self-worth than what happened when I was growing up and just being told to 'be the example' and 'be understanding' which worked until I was about 8, saw once again adults staring on doing nothing, & I snapped. I went absolutely apeshit as I had no way to leave or adults coming or any other way I knew to deal with that so just went into fight mode. I spent years after feeling like it didn't matter at all what I did at school, adults weren't going to support me anyways & that I must be some form of sub-human trash since they all talked about being caring for other people which never seemed to apply to me or some of the others with quiet, ignorable issues. We can sympathetic and recognize both and give them tools.

[anniegranny]

I wonder whether this little boy would carry on touching and stroking other children if he was sitting between two boys? Maybe that's the answer, a simple rearrangement by the teacher might help?

[sonandhelpneeded]

@anniegranny well the child does have sensory issues, liked stroking to OPs dog, so I doubt at five he is being misogynistic this to a girl. FFS

[sonandhelpneeded]

*doing this

[PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth]

YouCanCall it's half term! School's shut and even if there's someone in the office they can't do anything until next week.

[Weetink]

I can understand how frustrating this is for you and your daughter, but it really does sound like sensory issues to me. My DS is on the autism spectrum and has sensory processing issues. He needs that input, sometimes just to relax him. Have you suggested to the teacher maybe getting the little boy some fidget toys etc? Rompa catalogue do tactile squares but there's cheaper options out there on eBay etc. Maybe talking to your daughter about why this happens (in a really simplified way) might help her to help him. My DS has been very lucky in that, since nursery school, his teachers and TAs have been very understanding and put things in place so that his issues don't affect the other kids so much and they also teach the other kids about different needs

[MaisyPops]

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth
Half terms are staggered.
I'm working this week and off next week. A neighbouring authority is off this week and back at work next week.

[dadshere]

DD was being continually pestered and prodded by a boy in her class, we spoke to the teacher and the other parents but to no avail. DH told her to smack his hand the next time it touched her, ( I did not know about this and still disagree with it). He did, she did, it stopped but we got called in to have a 'chat' with the school about it. It hasn't happened again, but I have tried to teach her to NEVER hit out again.
DH and I fundamentally disagree about some things.

[Scrumplestiltskin]

dadshere It sounds like your DH's advice worked a charm though, in the face of nothing else fixing it.
Sure, violence should be discouraged until every other option has been tried, but as your own situation showed, it worked.

[PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth]

Maisy the OP said it was half term.

[YouCanCallMeJodieWho]

Philomena no suggestion from OP that it's half term where she is. It's not here. I knew some private schools were off this week but they have two weeks. I didn't realise there were places where it was 'normal' half term this week.

I made the assumption that somebody posting on Wednesday was talking about something happening this week. As she was repeatedly talking about being unable to tap to teacher in the morning, an email seems a sensible response. That's the same for if it's half term. You can send an email this week and the teacher can respond next week when the school is back.

Whether it is half term or not the OP's desire for her child to wallop (she used this word, amongst others) another because she, the mother, has failed to put her concerns in writing to the school over a period of two months is still totally objectionable.

[PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth]

YouCanCall I think I've said the same several times.