Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

[Stressedoutmamma]

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

[canihaveanap]

Tell her to stand up and walk away if she doesn't like it. You don't teach a child to hit when they have the option of walking away.

[Scrumplestiltskin]

Tell her to stand up and walk away if she doesn't like it. You don't teach a child to hit when they have the option of walking away.
But then she gets in trouble, and the boy has no consequences for his actions.
Also people are assuming he has sensory issues - but that's both not necessarily the case, and it doesn't mean someone should have to put up with it.
The teacher is really letting both students down, here.

[canihaveanap]

Yes it does sound awful!

I'm quite shocked at your responses as well despite posters telling you yabu you seem to justify and minimise encouraging your daughter to assault this child 

And to quote "she's not allowed to move off the carpet" " I don't go to the school much so I can't speak to them" are you even reading your own excuses? Literally have some personal responsibility yourself!!

She's not allowed to move off the carpet? So you are teaching her that if she is uncomfortable she must follow the rules she can't get up and walk away because it's not allowed. But hitting is allowed???

Teaching her that she must follow the rules and sit on her spot but hit the boy next to her? How would you feel if you were his parents knowing she could have walked away but she hit him because her mom told her to?

I work and I can't get to the school is an absolute cop out I'm sorry!
So does every other working parent in the country and we don't make excuses when there are problems with our children and encourage violence as an excuse for our laziness to deal with a situation properly.

Schools have pastoral support. It's easy enough to make a quick call, send a strongly worded email or a dojo message.

Hi Mrs X
Due to the ongoing problem with Johnny touching Jane despite her telling him she does not want to be touched, I have instructed her that if he carries on or if an adult does not intervene she is to stand up and walk away and sit somewhere different.
Please can you keep a closer eye on this.
Mrs y


You are being massively unreasonable.

[Sleepyblueocean]

Yes absolutely fine to tell her to walk away and to tell the teacher you have told her to do this. It is what we continue to teach my son with sn to do.
I think if I just let him get on with hitting a child who is touching him I don't think many of the hit him backs would agree with it.

[canihaveanap]

@Scrumplestiltskin I'm not assuming that, and I don't think it means in any way shape or form that she should have to put up with it. Children have a right to remove themselves from a situation as much as adults.
It's more acceptable as an adult to tell her to walk away than to tell her to assault another child.
I don't think she would get in trouble for going and sitting by another child instead. But if she did, it's surely a lot less trouble than being coached to hit other children? 

[Confusedbeetle]

No No and No. she should be taught tactics to stop any behaviour she does not want. Eg raise the palm of your hand to the person and shout "No, Stop" This is a technique children can easily learn, is very effective . can be used against bullies bigger than the child . Tell the teacher about it and what you have instructed her to do

[canihaveanap]

Also what are you going to do if it escalates and she hits him when she has had the option to walk away (ie not cornered in an alley).
Are you putting her in more danger? You say he has boundary issues? And won't stop touching her?
Let's say she hits him and he hits her back twice as hard and does that as many times as he's touched her? Who's fault it it then when they ask why she hit and she says well my mom told me to? It's ridiculous

[GiraffeObsessedBaby]

We have this at my beaver scout group (ages 6-8) there are one or two children every few years who refuse to stop touching other children. It's like they're magnets they just can't stop themselves. However as the ADULTS we are on top of this and have a zero tolerance. It's not for the child who is being touched to have to move and shout it's for the adults to prevent it from happening.

This has nothing to do with sex and not projecting as we've had it every which way with different genders on both sides. It's about the fact that NOONE has the right to repeatedly touch someone else when they are uncomfortable and have asked it to stop.

[gamerchick]

This is partly why I want him to go to SN school rather than be bodged into MS

Keep at it, best (hardest) thing I ever did. Going on some of the scary posts on here by supposed adults it sounds as if it's the best way.

OP, YOU need to go to the school and sort it out, YOU are your child's advocate. Make it a priority.

[PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth]

Thank you Giraffe, that's one of the most sensible posts on this thread.

[Scrumplestiltskin]

It's more acceptable as an adult to tell her to walk away than to tell her to assault another child.
To be fair, another child is already assaulting her, whether they intend it maliciously or not.
I don't think she would get in trouble for going and sitting by another child instead.
She certainly shouldn't, imo. And exiting the situation is always preferable to reacting physically. I had thought from OP's posts that she had tried that and got in trouble for it, with no addressing of the other child's behaviour, but I may have misread!

[Scrumplestiltskin]

Absolutely, GiraffeObsessedBaby! It shouldn't be up to the child to have to defend herself. The teacher should step in well before then, and find a solution.

[PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth]

The OP needs to email the teacher, ask for the children to be separated and for the boy to be told people don't like being stroked all the time and given something else soft to stroke. Or people can keep ignoring the posts of parents of children with sensory issues and children who've been on the receiving end.

[canihaveanap]

@GiraffeObsessedBaby you are completely spot on.
However in this case the teachers are not acting as responsible adults like you. So surely if mum can't make the teachers take charge of this she should be teaching her daughter to go and sit where she feels comfortable before encouraging assault?

[canihaveanap]

@Scrumplestiltskin you're right it is assault but it doesn't make it right to hit him when you can empower a child to walk away. I'd rather my child was told of for walking away from a situation than for hurting a child when she had the option to just simply move.

But yes op needs to demand the teacher act responsibly and sort this issue out. It shouldn't be down to a child but hitting should be an absolute last resort.

[PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth]

And hitting really wouldn't help. DD would have seen it as an unprovoked attack. I didn't even hear her friends tell her to get lost that sports day, which tells me they were used to and tolerating it. I told her off every time I saw her do it and told her constantly to stop following me around and doing it to me. It used to drive me nuts. I have low tolerance for being touched, probably because I'm autistic.

[Mummaluelae]

Talk to school. Hitting isn't an answer at all.
Sensory exploration is, he maybe a sen child...

[GiraffeObsessedBaby]

@canihaveanap yeah I definitely agree she needs to move away and has the right to do so.

And I'm not criticising the OP here at all but if it was my kid I wouldn't be waiting for an appointment I'd be booking a day off work and be at the school for 8.30 on Monday morning to see the headteacher and not leaving until it was dealt with. It's the schools responsibility to care for all the children in their school and at the minute they're failing.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Also getting up and moving away is a pretty good strategy to learn for other situations.

[differentnameforthis]

He isn't being nice though he's being mean I actually disagree with this. The incident with your puppy proves it! If he was being mean, why touch your puppy?? It isn't something he is doing to hurt, or be mean, he has issues around boundaries, and touching and can't control himself. This is common in autistic children and those with sensory issues (which he may not be, of course)

That is not to say it's OK, of course it isn't because it is causing your dd great distress. It's also possible that he doesn't know this either, so it sounds like no one is working with him to understand appropriate boundaries. You should be more angry with the teacher and his parents for not teaching him about this, not him. He is probably doing what is natural to him, and with no one redirecting him, he doesn't even know it is wrong.

How many boys have little girls with SN stroking their face, arm, hair after repeatedly being told to stop Well SN girls typically mask their behaviors, so not many probably.

You said his mum wasn't bothered by your repeated NOs to touching the dog, did you actually talk to her and tell her what he is doing to your puppy/dd? And how much it is distressing her?

I see that you haven't been to the head yet. Why on earth not? The teacher isn't doing anything, your next step has to be the head. No more threats to do it, just do it. You can't complain about your daughter being distressed if you don't do anything about it.

It's the fault of both the boy who can't respect other people's boundaries, and the teacher's for letting it happen continually. he can't respect boundaries if he has never been taught.

@abacucat Which is why I think hitting is the only way to go now
Are you serious? As soon as the dd hits this boy, she will be the one in trouble and he will be the victim. The simple fact is, to the school, her violence will be his touching. I know that she has had to endure prolonged touching, but this is the fault of her mother (for not doing anything when what the teacher was doing clearly wasn't working) the teacher and his parents. And you think he deserves a thump? Nice.

[differentnameforthis]

her violence will be worse than his touching

[AngelsSins]

The school are enforcing a very damaging lesson here to both children, which is that girl’s boundaries don’t matter. It won’t be the last time that either kids hears this message either.

[LuvSmallDogs]

gamerchick, I will be fighting for him to go SN school rather than MS. My DSis2 has SN (different to DS2’s) and mum has always said one of her big regrets is giving MS a shot. DSis2 wasn’t disruptive, the teacher liked that she was so quiet and undemanding compared to the NT children. But the way other parents behaved, you’d think it was catching.

[twoshedsjackson]

I may be wrong about this, but have you considered that escalating matters to the head may actually help the class teacher? Once had a really nice mummy telling me about another child making her DD's life a misery, which I was aware of, was trying to tackle with limited success, and had already mentioned to the Head. She felt that going to the Head was "going behind my back" and didn't want to do it.
I'm not a SN specialist, but my instinct was that the child concerned was not just "normal naughty", (to over-simplify hugely) and needed checking out by someone better qualified than me. But guess what? Spotting additional needs doesn't get you a vote of thanks from the folks balancing the budget! So we fall back on "Let's see how he settles/coming into fulltime school is a big step/moving up to KS2 is a big step/he's new to this school/home is unsettled" choose your phrase for "Let's kick this can down the road", until some sort of crisis leads to exclusion.
Having a nice reasonable parent telling the Head what I had already flagged up meant dragging him out of the ostrich position, justifying it in his own mind as a "personality clash" between me and the child concerned.
The little boy needs help, and early intervention could save a lot of heartache. Might be a simple steer towards being a bit more mature and learning respect and boundaries, might be a bit more complex, requiring more costly intervention. It's not your daughter's obligation to suffer in silence.

[rosablue]

The reason I've said to raise it as a safeguarding issue with the school is because it has been going on for a long time and it's distressing your dd. The school have been told it's happening repeatedly and have failed to deal with it.

Regardless of whether or not the boy has SN, the teachers need to do something to sort it out. Moving the boy to the other side of the carpet would have been an easy instant fix - if they had done that the first time it had been reported, all this hassle could have been avoided. If he keeps doing it to other children around him, then finding him a strokable fiddle toy or similar would have been something practical to try.

This is not trying to demonise the little boy. This is recognising that there is an issue that is causing real distress to your dd that is being ignored by the teachers - so that it has got to the point that you need to use terms like safeguarding to make the teacher and head teacher notice and take action because talking to them has so far yielded no results and your dd is still distressed. Whether the little boy is naughty and needs telling off or whether he has some sort of SN that need recognising and dealing with properly (and reports like this might help towards getting recognition of the issue and funding for extra support so a good thing) - they can do that. But they need to do something for your dd - quickly. Particularly as there are things that they can easily try at no cost - it's not like you're requesting expensive equipment or actions that would cost a lot to try.