Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

[Stressedoutmamma]

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

Exactly Oswin. I didn't say hit the boy, but the concern isnt with the girl who is being harassed daily.

I would not allow this if it were my dd. I'd be at the school over and over until they sorted it to show my dd it's not acceptable to be harassed for any reason.

We can have sympathy but that shouldn't extend to telling a 5 year old girl your concerns aren't valid.

I was stalked by a man with SN when I was younger. I was told to be nice to him when I first met him as he was harmless. Yeah right.

One poster said tell the school but they can't do much. Tell her to do it back or tell her he's just being nice.

If that ain't suck it up in other words than I don't know what is.

But she's too young to know the difference. And given stuff is missed often til people get to adult hood we can't expect children to figure out what medical professionals gave got wrong for decades.

She can he taught not to be unkind to people who are different. She can he taught to know people act or behave in strange ways sometimes.

But when it comes to invading of space and unwanted touching all she needs to k me is it's ok to not want it. Ok to ask for it to stop and that the adults around her should be helping and protecting her.

All any special needs means is that the action taken by the adults might vary from usual. The rest is nothing to do witg her

Of course the op should be asking the school how they are dealing with it and saying her little girl doesn’t like it and they should be monitoring it. However some of the replies on here have been down right disturbing.

The little girl can just be told to discreetly move away and tell the teacher why. There is no need for hitting the boy or shouting
loudly and humiliating the boy.

It’s a good opportunity to teach the little girl that other people’s brains work differently to hers.

I would say exactly the same if the op’s child had been a boy.

People who are saying this is an overreaction. How?

Children should be taught that their personal space is theirs and that nobody has the right to touch them without consent.
Nobody is saying the boy is some sort of monster but they are saying that the girl shouldn't be told that 'nice girls tolerate boys touching them when they don't want t to and they should shut up'. That's not a healthy message about personal space and contact.
The messages we teach children act as models for when they are older. No child should be told to quietly put up with being touched when they don't want it.

Maldives the teachers know she finds this upsetting and haven't done a thing so she should absolutely shout from now on. She has no other bloody option. He should be moved but hasn't so maybe if everytime he does it the dd shouts at him to stop they might start giving a shit about this girl.

Yy maisypops. There has been a big push in recent years in telling children they are allowed to say no to anyone touching them.
Yet here she is being ignored because the intent isn't malicious.

For those saying 'he might have sensory issues' - so what? I'm sorry, but that is not the concern for OP, or her daughter. She has EVERY right to not be touched against her wishes and we need to start taking girls seriously, even if the other child DOES have other issues at play.

but I never thought about sensory issues when i started this post

I think there are quite a few of us that recognised immediately what the issue was because we have vast experience of it. I see it so much, it does surprise me that there are actually those out there who have no experience and see it as some sort of creepy wannabe perve in the making invading a girls personal space. The venom that happens on these sorts of threads can be upsetting as it's more 'normal' for us and not a huge deal in the grand scheme of dealing with our kids. Have you ever found a material on an item of clothing in a shop that feels irrisistable to stroke? You as an NT adult know not to go mad with the stroking. A child with sensory issues might find it impossible to pull back. Something has to replace that feeling. This is where the school should stepping in.

However learning about boundaries is part and parcel of growing up and so is learning that some people are different and aren't being naughty and the school have a huge responsibility in making sure your daughter is comfortable and not harassed as she is ATM. He's 5 and won't have much of a diagnosis if any is needed and some schools are reluctant to go down that path because it costs them money. This is not your problem though.

In your shoes (but knowing what I know now I admit) I would ask the school to provide something for him to stroke or I would send the bairn in with something to give him. Sometimes that kindness can just halt a problem like this one as well as teaching empathy rather than anger.

Start with the school and make some suggestions, it might be a learning curve for them in dealing with this stuff.

Yeah then your daughter gets the reputation of being the bully who beat up the special needs kid. Just ask her to be moved

No one is saying that the girl needs put up with it.

People are saying to get the school to step in

People are saying to call the child creepy and advocating hitting him is wrong. And weird.

I wouldn't encourage her to hit purely on the grounds of her safety. If the boy is sensory issues she could trigger a meltdown and come off far worse.

it does surprise me that there are actually those out there who have no experience and see it as some sort of creepy wannabe perve in the making invading a girls personal space
A 5 year old isn't a creepy perv.

However, being 5 doesn't mean 'green light to do what you like because they're 5'
At 5 they are old enough to be taught about personal space and old enough to be taught that nobody has the right to touch them if they don't want to.
No child should be pushed into passively accepting unwanted contact whether that's a child at school playing with their hair or being told to give Aunty Susan a hug and a kiss (when Susan always wants to do kisses on the lips despite the child looking visibly uncomfortable).

Op yanbu at all.

I have a son with additional needs and even I think your daughter should not have to put up with this.

The school are failing both your daughter by not ensuring she feels safe and comfortable in school and him by not putting support in place to prevent him causing harm or distress to others. Even if that is just giving him something tactile to play with during carpet time. There's no harm to him to try it and a world of benefit to be gained by your daughter. That or they move him so he is closer to support who can intervene before he upsets someone.

My youngest so attends a club with a child who insists on grabbing and pulling at him. Despite the child's mother and several other adults being around, it isn't getting any better. They are in the sort of situation where he can be given something to fisher with. I told my son to loudly tell the other child to let go, to draw attention. He got told of for messing around! (Other child happens to be a head club leader's relation). I've now told my son to elbow him if he grabs hold of him and won't let go after son has told him to. I've told his individual group leader I have told him to do this as well because we are both fed up of it. They just replied with ok. I guess they feel their hands are tied because of the relationship between child and leader.

My youngest son puts up with a lot from his big brother, verbal and physical torment despite our best efforts. We don't tolerate it but cannot always intervene quickly enough. We deal with it in the best way we can and this includes breakaway techniques so our youngest can remove himself safely.

However, being 5 doesn't mean 'green light to do what you like because they're 5'
At 5 they are old enough to be taught about personal space and old enough to be taught that nobody has the right to touch them if they don't want to.
No child should be pushed into passively accepting unwanted contact whether that's a child at school playing with their hair or being told to give Aunty Susan a hug and a kiss (when Susan always wants to do kisses on the lips despite the child looking visibly uncomfortable

Your point being? I wasn't aware I was saying any such thing

DS2 has an ASC / Asperger's diagnosis. He has loads of sensory issues. One of his issues is that he loves stroking and playing with hair - his own and other people's. At age 5 he was always playing with girls hair. This isn't because he finds it arousing in some deviant sort of way. He actually finds it calming.

We've worked hard to curb this habit - starting with giving him a hair extension to play with. He now leaves other people's hair alone, contenting himself with stroking and patting his own hair.

I once got really annoyed with a TA who let him play with her hair because it was "cute". I pointed out that it might have been cute for a 5 year old but it wouldn't be cute when he was 30 and doing it to a stranger on a bus.

Another of his issues was / sometimes still is a complete lack of awareness about social norms for personal space.

Most of the girls him his class had known him since playgroup. They were used to his quirks, tolerated him very well and no one ever complained. I'm grateful that none of their parents told them to hit my quirky little boy.

I wish people would stop saying that no one has said she should put up with it. The post I pointed out above says it. The whole tone of a lot of posters has been that she's being over the top.

Nobody has saidher dd whuod put up with it ffs.. bar one person, who was told they were wrong. This thread is so upsetting to read. Do you all tell your children to hit people all the time? Such a simple solution is to speak to the head teacher.
I cannot believe the replies on here sometimes.

gamerchick
It was linked to people saying 5 year olds being a perv thing but it didn't read as if hoped.

What I was meaning is I don't think most people are saying the 5 year old is an actual perv, more that sending a message you can touch who you like and the nice person will out up with it isn't a good message and tells a child from a young age that their wants are more important than someone else's space.

YANBU you've tried talking to teacher and nothing has been done. She has a right not to be touched when she doesn't want to be.
I'd encourage her to shout 'stop it' loudly then hit him away from her.

One poster said tell the school but they can't do much. Tell her to do it back or tell her he's just being nice

If that ain't suck it up in other words than I don't know what is.

Erm, wouldn't this be doing something, rather than "sucking it up".
Did you bother to read any other posts.

Suck it up is what you don't do, that won't help either child.

"I wouldn't encourage her to hit purely on the grounds of her safety. If the boy is sensory issues she could trigger a meltdown and come off far worse"

Yeah, never mind the kid she hits....

Do you all tell your children to hit people all the time?

No, but one of my DDs does boxing, so if any bully tries to pick on her or hit her or attack her, she can hold her own. Sometimes it is necessary to fight back or defend yourself.

Not saying you should hit a 5 year old who probably has sn though, but there are definitely times I would find it appropriate for my kid to hit someone else.

This is an issue and needs to be addressed. You need to see the teacher or head for an official meeting. They are failing both children here. Your daughter who is understandably uncomfortable and the boy who needs something to meet his needs.

Please do not teach her to hit though. All it takes is 2 parents who teach children to hit or hit back and it can get serious quickly.

Your dd teacher needs to do her job and manage the behaviours in the class, yes not always easy with 30 5 year old but from what the op describes it happens 2x a day every day. Your dd needs to be empowered by the teacher to not have to sit next to this person, the teachers inactions has ensured that there needs to be seperation. There also needs to be some restorative approaches used. The boy may be unaware of what he is doing or how it makes your dd feel. This also allows your dd a voice and a chance to say what she feels and why.

However most 5 year olds are at the begining of their journey learning about personal space. Many are very good at idebtifying others in their space or touching them but are surprised when pulled up about it themselves. It can be like a compulsion, think little magnets reaching out to each other. In the space of 5 mins today I think i reminded 1 pupil at least 4 x about personal space.

If the school sort this out well it will be a positive learning experience for everyone. Unfortunately it looks like you will have to push them to do this.

I would not allow this if it were my dd. I'd be at the school over and over until they sorted it to show my dd it's not acceptable to be harassed for any reason.

This