Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

[Stressedoutmamma]

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

What's the point of saying he has sensory issues if the premise behind it isn't "he cant help it, suck it up"

Doesn't matter if he's a creepy perv or the most amazing sweet child on the planet
She doesn't like it.

The kid can't go through life being told it's ok to stroke people because one day he won't be five he will older and possibly far taller and and that will be upsetting for the person who doenst know him nor is instantly able to tell her not doing it to be cruel he has SN .

And the girl sure as he'll can't go through life being taught to let people do what they like to her as they have something wrong with them.And they can't help it.

It's not fair on either.

Why do we do this. Why do we some how expect small children to figure out what Drs take years to do whilst simultaneously not crediting them with the ability to keep their hands on their knees.

It’s a good opportunity to teach the little girl that other people’s brains work differently to hers and if another boy further down the line who doesn't have sn strokes her leg similarly in a lesson, and she doesn't say anything because maybe his brain works differently and she doesn't want to embarrass him..

The kid can't go through life being told it's ok to stroke people because one day he won't be five he will older and possibly far taller and and that will be upsetting for the person who doenst know him

Well said. It will be upsetting for him too if he carries on doing it when he's older and does it to someone who reacts defensively because they aren't aware he has sn.

I would ask for a meeting with the head. Neither child is at fault here if he does have undiagnosed additional needs BUT the teacher isn't doing anything!

But surely the point is that there's some middle ground between letting the boy carry on without consequence because he doesn't know any better yet, and the OP encouraging her kid to belt him?

My issue is with the tone of this thread. Of course the OP's daughter shouldn't be touched if she doesn't want to be. But labelling a tiny child who possibly has SN as an aggressive creep who deserved to be hit is one of the most fucked things I've seen on here. (And OP, you really don't need to use quotation marks around special needs )

"My issue is with the tone of this thread. Of course the OP's daughter shouldn't be touched if she doesn't want to be. But labelling a tiny child who possibly has SN as an aggressive creep who deserved to be hit is one of the most fucked things I've seen on here. (And OP, you really don't need to use quotation marks around special needs hmm)"

Hear hear

Send an email marked urgent into the school, to the head, cc'd to the teacher and the head of safeguarding at the school (even if this is just writing 'Please also forward this on to the teacher and HoSG' on the email if you don't have their email addresses.

In the email, state that there has been a continued failure by the school in their duty of care to safeguard your dd, and that despite repeatedly bringing the issue to the attention of the school and teacher, the child is still sitting in the same spot on the carpet where he continues to harrass your dd and that although the boy has been told to stop, he hasn't. However as the child hasn't even been moved to a different spot on the carpet it appears that the teacher / school is not taking the issue seriously, despite the continued distress that this has caused your dd.
Say that while you realise that there may be other issues regarding this child and his habits of touching your dd, you do not feel it is fair that she is expected to put up with it (and indeed that making her continue to suffer this for over 2 months is sending her a terrible message about being confident about expecting her personal space not to be invaded, also about the boy's behaviour going unchecked at her expense).

In order to safeguard your dd, please will they ensure that, with immediate effect, the boy is moved away from your dd on the carpet (as the victim your dd should not be moved) and properly supervised. Also that you have taught your dd that should this not happen and the boy continue to harass her, she is to stand up and loudly tell him to stop touching (stroking etc) her, regardless of whether this will interrupt the class, so that the safeguarding matter can be dealt with immediately.

And please can you have a meeting with the head teacher and head of safeguarding to discuss the matter, to find out why it has gone on for so long, how it can stopped and what lessons can be learned to ensure this situation doesn't happen again.

The important thing is to make sure that you say about them failing in their duty of care and failing to safeguard your child - if you just tell them that she is being bullied/stroked/etc then they should deal with it but they don't have to - whereas as soon as you call it a safeguarding issue there is a legal obligation on them to deal with it. Bonkers when in your mind you're telling them the exact same thing, expecting identical actions from them and that it's just slightly different words that you're using because you have a good vocabulary... But in this day and age of those phrases are the ones that will trigger the school to have to do something.

And every time something happens - keep getting back to them and pointing out it's a repeated failure to safeguard - triggers things like ofsted and the local authority getting involved...

Good luck!

Victim?
Safeguarding?
Harass?
Ofsted?

I find this difficult to read. These are little children learning how to relate to other people.

It seems this little chap is not quite getting it right at the moment, but some of the suggestions here seem so OTT.

How many times do people have to point out that no one is saying the DD has to submit to being touched and it should be dealt with appropriately?

People are absolutely not saying this.

They are 4/5 years old he is at the start of his journey of learning how to deal with the world. Surely a simple politly assertive email to the head explaining that this has been happening and has been reported to the teacher on several occasions. Can they make sure that the little!! child concerned is given a sensory comforter and moved away from the ops daughter. Also maybe some carpet time to talk about personal space.

It’s not your 5 year old daughters responsibility to deal with this boys behaviour, it’s her teachers responsibility.

You have spoken to the teacher previously and this problem has not been resolved.

By addressing this formally, you won’t be getting into a dispute with the school. You should communicate with the class teacher and also the head teacher that you are still seeking for this issue to be resolved ( even via letter or email). Ask for a plan to be put in place in order to address this problem

It’s not acceptable that your daughter has been instructed that she can’t move away when this boy touches her. She should be able to do so immediately without being punished. When she alerts the teacher it is the boy who should be removed from her vicinity.

I agree with previous posters that this sounds like the other child has sensory issues.

It doesn't stop it Stressedout. What would stop it is you telling the teacher and them giving him a piece of soft fabric to stroke. If your DD kept hitting him every time he did it that would be bullying, and I certainly wouldn't have stood for that.

There is a middle ground mrsfrumble. Give him a piece of soft fabric to stroke. I think I've said that about 3 times.

@HauntedPencil I've just looked back to copy some of the put up with it comments there were quite a few and they have all been deleted they were there tho by mnhq

Oh dear, I feel for both sides in this. My oldest was in reception last year and has sensory issues (also loves touching hair but fortunately only mine) and I would hate to think people were saying some of the things said on this thread about him.

He often oversteps personal boundaries as struggles reading or understanding signs or being able to put them above his own need. But also the flip side of his sensory issues are that he hates being touched in a certain way himself and finds things other people do disgusting.

There was a girl he was next to on the mat who sucked her thumb and it really bothered him to the point he fretted at home about going to school. We spoke to the teachers as I was also concerned he would be upsetting the poor little girl by telling her she was disgusting etc (something we repeatedly spoke to him about but made no difference). They separated them from each other. So maybe if you ask them to allocate spots further away that may work? I doubt they need to move classes as he probably only does it because she is near on the mat and once she is moved he will concentrate on something else.

There is a boy in ds1 class (who is 5) who is being seen by school as having probable sn who has no sense of personal space at all. It makes me uncomfortable just watching him.

Seeing the patience the other children display as they are being poked and prodded makes me really feel terrible for all of them. He gets hit all the time and it still doesn’t stop him.

They now have a square on the floor for only him about a metre away from all he others and he sits alone. It’s sad for him and his parents but I would be very angry if my child were being bothered by him, the same way I would be very angry if my child were allowed to continue to bother other people.

There is such a difficult balance at this age.

Incidentally I know quite a few reception teachers and they tell me that stroking and touching at this age is really common even in nt children. It’s one of the reasons I couldn’t work with small children.

Special needs or not your child does not deserve to be touched and to be made to feel uncomfortable in the very place you drop off her to and expect to get her back home again safely from every day.

The school should be doing more, I would be right up their backsides demanding they do better, I would also be extremely mad that they are telling her she must not move from her spot or else she will be punished. They are effectively telling her she must either put up with the touching or find herself in trouble...… great life lesson

Can you take some time off in the mornings to drop your child off at all? Every morning for a week I would be chasing that teacher down, that principal and whoever else is in charge there and making sure they put my concerns at the forefront of their minds!

At this age you are your child's advocate and she should feel safe at school - do what you have to to get this to stop.

Also while I understand your desire to stop this kid with any means I also do not agree with your daughter hitting him, also not a great life lesson.

No, you should not tell her to hit him.

She does have the right to physically push his arm away, get up and sit down in a different part of the group.

I think you need to tell the school firmly that action needs to be taken about this now because you are not happy.

As a teacher, if I moved every child away from others if they touched them, half the class would be sitting in the corridor!

Nobody is asking that children should be moved away from others if they have ever touched someone else--we are talking about one particular child who clearly has problems understanding the needs of boundaries, because he is constantly touching and stroking another child. He may need to be seated somewhere where he cannot do that and given something else to hold.

I have been on the other side of this,in nursery my son was the victim of a lovely little girl who constantly invaded his space and wanted to touch his face etc. I actually wasn't aware of the problem until I was called in one morning-my son had put his hand up to stop her,and had accidentally scratched her face. Her parents were in an uproar because she was smaller than him and he had marked her face. The teacher admitted that the little girl had been hounding my son,and that he was trying to defend himself,not attack her,but I sat my son down and talked to him,and I can only imagine her parents talked to her as it never happened again. I think it is fine to tell your daughter to speak loudly,but if that doesn't work to push his hands away, and if THAT doesn't work to wallop him one. Violence is the last resort but if it gets to that, then so be it-be your daughters advocate. I also agree with others that you need to talk to teacher and if no joy go further up the chain, unwanted attention shouldn't be swept under the carpet.

Teachers can be a bit crap with children with SN. Hitting isn't right but I can see how if she did hit him maybe the teacher would take notice and might even bother to do something.

Also he is going to grow up, what if he tries touching some dodgy bloke on the bus, he could end up being much more hurt than being slapped by a 5 year old.

Wow, I'm shocked at some of the responses here. If another adult kept touching your arms, legs, hair, face etc non-sexually, and you'd be punished if you tried to move away from them, and, telling them verbally to STOP IT over and over garnered no results...would you just let them keep doing it?
Personally, I'd tell my children to start swatting his hand away with a loud verbal "STOP TOUCHING ME" every time he did it. If that didn't work, I'd talk to the teacher again and say the child needs to be sat out of arms' reach of the others. If he wasn't and the teacher did nothing, I'd tell my child to give him a good walloping. He would stop after that, and he'd bloody well get the message that no means no.
Violence is always a last resort between peers (and should never be enacted by the more powerful against the less powerful,) but sadly it can often be necessary in self-defence in schools where teachers do nothing.
As a bullied child myself, there were a few times where the teachers did nothing, and only way to stop the harassment was to make the other children realise that laying hands on me was not worth it.
The same thing has happened once to my eldest child, age 9 - an older boy repeatedly physically harassing and assaulting him under the guise of "just playfighting", and for months my son only used his words and went to the teachers every time.
In the end what stopped it? My son finally lost his temper and thrashed the other boy in response. Oddly enough, right after that the other boy stopped doing it. And they're now proper friends with respect for each other.
So yeah. Sometimes violence IS the answer, unfortunately.

Not "an older boy" sorry, another boy.

Scrumplestiltskin - Or how about escalating to the headteacher and insisting they sort it out. That's much better than telling your child to assault another one. Beating up a child with sensory difficulties won't knock it out of them.

Could you tell her to shout at him? It would get the teachers attention, it she keeps doing it they will hopefully get separated. Could she yell something like no means no. If that doesn't work then I would teach her to grab his wrist and twist his arm to really hurt him.

@snitzel
Could you tell her to shout at him? It would get the teachers attention, it she keeps doing it they will hopefully get separated. Could she yell something like no means no. If that doesn't work then I would teach her to grab his wrist and twist his arm to really hurt him.

Wtf???? They are reception age.. it sunds like the little boy has SN and you think this is okay? Again I am not stating the little girl should accept it.
Op needs t o escalate through the proper channels.