to think my daughter shouldn't date her former tutor?

[trob22]

My daughter is 24 and recently finished a masters course. Now she is in a relationship with the tutor who was her personal supervisor, who is 30. She keeps saying that nothing happened until after she got her results so nothing inappropriate, now they are both adults who just happened to meet each other etc etc.... Even leaving aside the age gap, I think that is completely inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way, never mind to start dating them afterwards. There obviously must have been some flirtatious relationship between them when she was his student for them to start dating so soon after, which I think is horrifying. Is that unreasonable?

Let her get on with it. Not your life, not your relationship, not your business.

I don’t see why it’s creepy tb, if he was her school teacher yes it would be but by uni she was an adult anyway.

The age gap is nothing, I mean 24 & & 30 nobody would bat an eyelid at that! That is a pretty standard age gap

She’s 24 for crying out loud

Why not invite them both to lunch and see for yourself what kind of person he is?

It’s a bit creepy

How so??

camo, I can see that feeling different, because you shared a job, but I still think it'd be dubious. And, the thing is, just because a student feels quite comfortable, doesn't mean it's ok. Often, when there's a news story about a teacher dating a secondary school student, that student will insist they felt quite comfortable and it wasn't a dodgy relationship.

Point is, the person in control should shut down any sign of that before it happens.

Their responsibility is strictly limited to academic guidance, there is no pastoral role to be misused.

Agree with ladygregory. This isn't true at all.

Agreeing with LRD and ladygregory. The head of my course couldn’t have preyed on students if it wasn’t for the fact he had pastoral access to his students.

"It’s a bit creepy

How so??"

Because while he was her tutor he was in a position of power. He provided her with the support/tuition she needed to pass her MA and he did this in a relatively unstructured and unsupervised format. He could even write her dissertation for her if he felt entitled to go down the unprofessional path. He would also have been her first marker, so would have a lot of power over her mark.

There have been several cases where tutors have let female students know that the quality of their supervision and/or the mark would be dependent on sexual favours. Creepy and absolutely unprofessional.

Which is why we are absolutely NOT ALLOWED to enter into sexual relations in any way with our pupils; there must be no suspicion either that tutors are wielding power to extract sexual favours or that students are engaging in sexual behaviour because they believe they can extract work-related favours.

Eh? There is no evidence here they were even flirting whilst she was his student, let alone anything else......

I thought you were going to say he's in his 40s or 50s!! 30 is young, she's an adult in her mid twenties. No problem.

I see no issue with this, in that they are no longer a student/tutor and are not young and vulnerable in this sense.

However, if they were still at university, this would not be ok. The tutor is in a position of power, similar to a boss. If the relationship had started/looked likely, then the tutor would need to (at my work anyway) essentially resign as their tutor and pass them on to someone else, not mark their work and so forth. Similar to how a boss shouldn't be doing appraisals of someone they are shagging.

It might all be lovely and consensual and the start of a great relationship. I have heaps of colleagues who met in similar ways. However, I also have heaps of female colleagues who have been patronized, harassed and pressured by their male colleagues, often a lot older and in a position of power in their workplace. There are quite a few sexual harassment suits flying around in my field at present for these type of activities.

So- as it stands, I think it is fine but if they were still student/tutor, not the same at all.

Also, and this is just a caution, many younger women end up entranced by older cleverer men in academia. Unfortunately they are a few years behind in their careers and they imagine they will move forward together, both benefitting from working together. Often-times the woman then has children and falls even further behind. By this time, the man is much more senior, perhaps a Professor and has no intention of picking up the slack at home to jeopardize their enjoyable conference attendance around the world.

Not always, but I know lots of academic women who just haven't realized their potential, and their husband really haven't helped them either. They are then stuck in part-time/fixed contract work or just leave.

So- my main criteria would be- will this man help your dd to be her true self and fulfill her potential, or is he looking for a personal assistant to help him become Professor whilst she..doesn't? It can be hard to tell, but she should watch for this over the next year or two and assess whether she has truly met her equal.

Poeple can't just dismiss it as a tutor/student relationship and therefore unacceptable. The age is important.
A 64 year-old mature student dating a 70 year old professor, would anyone bat an eyelid? Of course not.

A 64 year-old mature student dating a 70 year old professor, would anyone bat an eyelid? Of course not yes they would if he was marking her work! You can't tutor/grade student and sleep with them at the same time. It's a conflict of interests!

Creepy if she was 14, but she's 24!!

I recently attended the wedding of a dear friend who married her former tutor, their relationship having begun in a very similar way as your DD’s.

What’s the issue? A tutor at university isn’t like the teacher of a child. Your daughter is an adult - not even a very young adult. If she was 17 and he was 23 I’d understand the concern but she’s 24!!

And even if the relationship was flirty when he tutored her - why is that horrifying? Students and tutors at uni are much more like colleagues than a teacher / pupil dynamic.

This is really a big fuss over nothing and your adult daughter should be trusted to get on with her love life on her own.

Is he likely to be ‘only’ 30 when he’s a Tutor? That seems very young to me?

I was tutoring undergraduates in my mid 20s whilst I was a PhD student and tutoring postgrads once I had a PhD and I was in my late 20s.

I think it really depends on the circumstances. I've known students have relationships with their ex-tutors and it's been real love-of-my-life, get married, have kids stuff. And I've known the exploitative kind of relationship too. The age gap is nothing. Fingers crossed they are serious about each other and just happened to have met in this way. It seems hard not to get together with someone you meet in this way, so long as you wait until you are no longer tutoring them. (Or, if you start have feelings earlier than that, try to find some way of them switching tutors).

The marking thing is difficult, if he did at that stage think he liked her but was not acting on it. However, any assessed coursework should have a 2nd marker, then go to an external if there is substantial disagreement. It's not foolproof, but it's a good system.

"Creepy if she was 14, but she's 24!!"

As actual academics, who know how academia works, keep telling you, it is nothing to do with the age and everything to do with the fact that until very recently he was in a position where he could extract sexual favours by exploiting her fear of failing her degree. That would be creepy. And it really wouldn't matter if she had been 20 years older than him: he would still have that power.

Age gap? What age gap? The age gap between my parents is bigger and they have been married over 40 years, so really don't see what that has to do with it. Also she is 24 not 14, they are not breaking any law.

Half your age plus 7 is supposed to be a good guide, so she's old enough, if his age is right.
The rule against tutors, doctors etc being romantically involved with students, patients etc is because of possibility of coercion. If she's not his student any more it doesn't arise, except perhaps if she needed a reference.

But even if he was recently in a position in which he could have been exploitative, he isn’t now.

I disagree with most on here. It's not just the age difference, which is minimal.

The dynamics, the relationship and power between a tutor and their student is definite.

Universities have rules and would frown on anything personal.

But in OP's case it starts after. Apparently. But, some of the previous points still apply.

I think there's cause for concern here.

Universities have rules and would frown on anything personal.

Bollocks.

I was a tutor when I was a postgrad, and, even though it never happened, I could have dated any of my students once I was no longer tutoring them - we were similar ages, and a 6-year gap is nothing.

In fact, I had a boyfriend who was a lecturer, while I was still a student. He wasn't my lecturer and never had anything to do with my evaluations. Nobody batted an eyelid - it's very common in university contexts.

At 24 I don't think she really needs your input. Be graceful and accepting of the situation, you don't have to like it, but it is not your life, it is your daughter's life. She has chosen him.

My project tutor and I had a relationship AFTER I finished my post grad..

I didn't even see him like that. He wasn't that much older. I finished my post grad and when back to graduate (post grad degree) -and popped into my old research group and he was there as were others, we went out for drinks after. I didn't hit on him or vice versa -wasn't drunk -ended up the last two there. Ended up dating and then lived together for 4 years. I wasn't some deer in the headlights and didn't 'admire him' etc just happened. He was single, I was single. I dumped him 4 years alter not because of any other reason other than I didn't want to get married and I didn't want to play wife -even one with a career.

She’s not a schoolgirl! Sounds fine to me...