Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my daughter shouldn't date her former tutor?

264 replies

trob22 · 24/10/2018 09:21

My daughter is 24 and recently finished a masters course. Now she is in a relationship with the tutor who was her personal supervisor, who is 30. She keeps saying that nothing happened until after she got her results so nothing inappropriate, now they are both adults who just happened to meet each other etc etc.... Even leaving aside the age gap, I think that is completely inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way, never mind to start dating them afterwards. There obviously must have been some flirtatious relationship between them when she was his student for them to start dating so soon after, which I think is horrifying. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mum22Grlz · 26/10/2018 11:59

I don't think you should have an issue with it. I used to babysit for my form teachers children , it turned out that his wife was an A level student of his when he had fist started teaching - nothing happened until he met her again at our local church after she had been to University - by the time I was their babysitter they had been married 15 years and got 4 children.

BITCAT · 26/10/2018 13:01

Really its 6 years..that's nothing. Shouldn't you have more trust in your daughter and trust her judgement. After all she is 24 and an adult.

RPC28 · 26/10/2018 13:07

Age gap? 🤣🤣🤣🤦🏽‍♀️ these days a lot of people have a gap of 10+ years. I am 24 and my partner is 30. Completely nothing wrong with that at all. I think you should let her get on with it. She'll learn from her own mistakes (if it end up a mistake) and she's old enough to make her online decisions. She is obviously happy and you should happy for her

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 26/10/2018 13:44

I'm an academic, and I totally agree: students are off-limits, and that includes Masters students even after graduation.

Learning & teaching can be an intense experience: it can be as if you have a sort of a crush on someone introducing you to a whole new area of knowledge - it can be exciting.

The supervisory relationship can also feel to the student as if they are being focused on as people in a way that is more unusual in everyday life, except in romantic relationships (of course, most of the time the students are mistaken about this - we don't have time/emotional energy to see them as other than students). I will focus intently on a student and his/her work for the 60-90 minutes of a supervision, but I don't want to spend time with them outside of teaching time ...

So I can see how it happens, but usually male academic staff should have better boundaries. And students should not mistake our professional interest & friendliness for actual friendship.

There needs to be a 'cooling off' period after graduation.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 26/10/2018 13:50

Sorry my post was agreeing with the OP that it is inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way

BITCAT · 26/10/2018 17:33

But she isnt his student?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/10/2018 19:42

The more I read this the more bemused I am.

So many people say that they will 'share' intellectual interests and it's not 'illegal' based on age.

Ok, but nor would it be illegal for a 22-year-old to date a 16-year-old.

So is it ok for a recently-qualified teacher to date his 16 year old student? And would you imagine that, because he's teaching Maths and she's studying Maths, they therefore have shared intellectual interests that excuse it?

BITCAT · 26/10/2018 19:57

If the student has fully left school yes why not. My daughter is 17 and much more mature than most her age so she will probably have to date someone a bit older than her to be suitable. My kids dad was 21 and i was 16..when we first met..why does the fact of their job matter aslong as they are not their teacher once a relationship starts. They may meet a year after she has left school, why should they not date if they are suited just because he used to teach her.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/10/2018 20:08

The ‘age gap’ is not the issue. It’s the fact that he was her tutor that I have an issue with.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/10/2018 20:15

BIT, because a 16 year old is just not as mature as a 22 year old, however old they are for their age. I can imagine a 16 year old and a 22 year old might manage to make a relationship work if one of them hadn't been in a position of responsibility. But if a 16 year old has been taught by someone - no, I think that's an abuse of power. The 16 year old may well think it's all fine, but the older person should know they are taking advantage, and shouldn't do it.

Same here. The tutor should have shut this down.

Runnynosehunny · 26/10/2018 20:20

I think at her age its no different than dating a work boss. Any boss could be influential and have a big effect on her future. In general we would think that was ok, even if he was actually still her boss at the time, but taking into account the individual personalities of the people. Yes there is a possibility of his being controlling towards her since he started out in a position of authority but that doesn't automatically follow. Just as someone can become good friends with their boss and the two would treat each other as equals outside work.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/10/2018 20:39

Yes, but with a work boss, you would not be a student.

You would not be someone who's explicitly in a position where they're learning and not expected to be professional yet.

That's the difference.

Escolar · 26/10/2018 21:13

It’s definitely different to dating your boss at work.

That’s why it is a disciplinary offence for staff to date students at most universities, but there is no equivalent ban at most companies.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 26/10/2018 21:14

Age gap? What gap!!! My husband and I have a bigger age gap. I'm 25 and he's 34!!

They're both adults and if it's what they want then there isn't anything you can do I'm afraid.

BITCAT · 26/10/2018 23:21

LRDtheFeministDragon i dont agree my daughter was more mature at 16 than most 22 year old lads. Her brother is 20 and she is more mature than him. Shes always been mature and im afraid someone her own age isnt going to be on the same level.
The OPs daughters situation seems fine to me, she is 24 and he clearly isnt taking advantage. If they are happy what is the issue. I know of many people with much bigger age gaps who are perfectly suited. Should someone pass up the chance to be happy just because they used to teach someone, maybe that is there one and only, perfect for each other.
I think once your child is over a certain age you need to back off and let them do what they need to, its their life and they will not thank you for interfering.

EBearhug · 27/10/2018 02:01

It’s definitely different to dating your boss at work.

Not in all workplaces. It could potentially lead to a disciplinary at ours - because of the power imbalance and risks of favouritism and influence. So it's allowed.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/10/2018 13:10

BIT, well, no, a 16 year isn't as mature as a 22 year old. No matter how old for their age. They've lived at home. They're not adult. That said, I can see a 16 year old finding her peers a bit immature, and I can see a 16 year old thinking they get on better with a 22 year old and can surmount that gap despite the difference. It could work.

What I cannot see is how that could work if the 22 year old was or had been the 16 year old's teacher.

Jux · 27/10/2018 16:16

When I was 16 I tended to date men in their 30s because you could have a decent conversation with them.

ClaryFray · 27/10/2018 16:42

Age gap??

I dated a man 13 years older than me, that's an age gap. Six years is nothing, pretty standard. Your being ridiculous. She's an adult.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/10/2018 17:28

That’s barely an age gap. My partner is 17 years older and understandably that doesn’t sit well with people. But six years? That’s nothing. Also, she wasn’t under 18 or recently 18 etc and nothing happened while she was studying. Don’t see any reason to have an issue with them seeing each other.

PearsOfWisdom · 27/10/2018 20:12

When I was 16 I tended to date men in their 30s because you could have a decent conversation with them

Because most men in their 30s who date 16 year old school girls do it for the conversation Hmm.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/10/2018 20:25

Dating someone in their 30s when you are sixteen shows that the person you are dating isn’t mentally sound or is a creep who needs control in a relationship.

anniehm · 27/10/2018 20:31

It's fine, lots of our friends met as phd student and supervisor, they are all happily married! 6 years is nothing, if it were 16 perhaps it would be more concerning but she's 24 not a school kid!

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 02:35

I feel for the guy the first time he comes over for supper! Grin

NCAcademic · 28/10/2018 03:12

I've namechanged for this because I've seen too much but...in her shoes I would advise her not to date her tutor as an academic colleague, because academia is as sexist as everywhere else. If she has begun a relationship with him right after she graduated, there will be plenty of people who will assume any work she has produced is actually his, and that she fucked her way to the top. If I was his employer I would be taking him off supervisory duties for the time being, because he has fouled any impression of impartiality he might have had.

I've seen lots of variations on this, and it isn't always predatory male academics. I've seen witless male academics pursued by female students who assumed that this would give them special status, for example. The trouble is, it is always messy. This is why my preferred policy is graduation+12 months for anyone involved in supervision--if the relationship is important enough, the attraction will last, but in the meantime it avoids all of these potential fuck ups.

For anyone who thinks this is no issue, I suggest looking at Twitter for #MeTooPhD or #TimesUpAcademia