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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my daughter shouldn't date her former tutor?

264 replies

trob22 · 24/10/2018 09:21

My daughter is 24 and recently finished a masters course. Now she is in a relationship with the tutor who was her personal supervisor, who is 30. She keeps saying that nothing happened until after she got her results so nothing inappropriate, now they are both adults who just happened to meet each other etc etc.... Even leaving aside the age gap, I think that is completely inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way, never mind to start dating them afterwards. There obviously must have been some flirtatious relationship between them when she was his student for them to start dating so soon after, which I think is horrifying. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 24/10/2018 09:32

What age gap?! 🤔

TheWiseWomansFear · 24/10/2018 09:33

She's no longer his student and the age gap isn't too big, they're both academics so I don't really see a problem tbh. If they got together when he was still her tutor then there's an issue, but not after.

Seniorschoolmum · 24/10/2018 09:33

YAbu

She’s an adult and there is hardly an age gap. Even if they were flirting beforehand, if they refrained from taking it any further until the student-tutor dynamic was at an end, I think that shows some level of common sense and responsibility.

SinkGirl · 24/10/2018 09:34

She was already an adult when they met. The uni may have a policy (and rightly so) about tutor-student relationships during their course, but beyond that it’s no issue.

Thisreallyisafarce · 24/10/2018 09:34

And do you really expect two adults to sacrifice their chance to be happy together - perhaps for the rest of their lives - when they don't have to do so?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 24/10/2018 09:35

The age gap is nothing. As long as nothing happened while she was his student then it's not a problem.
Universities are full of people in relationships. It's inappropriate if there is a student/teacher relationship going on but it is slightly different for post grad and a non issue now she isn't a student.
My DH is a student in my faculty ...I don't supervise him but technically we met while he was a student ( although he was also a member of staff)

Ecofluffynanny · 24/10/2018 09:36

YABVU! And totally ridiculous about the 'age gap' ffs!! Step away...before you completely destroy your relationship with your daughter 🙄🤐

bershetmelon · 24/10/2018 09:38

You have absolute kittens is some of the people I know were your kids with there 20+ year age gaps.

She's an adult, she's entitled to be in a relationship with anyone she likes, no offence op but it's really not your business

PlayingForKittens · 24/10/2018 09:38

Sounds fine and as though they have been very sensible.
My ex neighbour married her art teacher from college (So he was her teacher when she was a lot younger than your dd). They were happily married for many years until he died from a degenerative condition.
It's a 6 year gap and being her supervisor in post grad is far more colleague like than teacher like.

AnyFucker · 24/10/2018 09:40

Not seeing a problem here in this specific set of circumstances. They met "at work" as adults like many people do. Stay out of it.

CaptSkippy · 24/10/2018 09:42

It would only have been an issue if the tutoring had suffered due to a personal relationship, but otherwise I don't see a problem with them dating now. 6 years is not much on an age difference.

Sockwomble · 24/10/2018 09:42

When I was a student there was lecturer in his 40s who used to letch after female undergraduates. That was disgusting. Your daughter's situation is perfectly reasonable.

Thenewdoctor · 24/10/2018 09:43

What’s that old joke about academics meeting their first wife when they’re a student and their second when they’re a student.

0lga · 24/10/2018 09:43

Like you OP I would disapprove. Not because of the age gap ( which is nothing ) but because I don’t believe that he wasn’t in a relationship with her before she graduated .

However there’s nothing you can do except smile and nod, because otherwise it will affect your relationship with her. And you want to be around to pick up the pieces when he dumps her for the next pretty undergraduate.

OutPinked · 24/10/2018 09:43

No age gap at all there. I’m not much older than your DD and have a family! My Mother definitely has no say in my love life as you don’t in your daughters. Leave her to it.

Frenchmom · 24/10/2018 09:44

My best friend from school married her tutor from university. They met when she was a first year and married at the end of her second year. There is an 11 year age gap. They are still married after 34 years.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 24/10/2018 09:47

She's over 18, so this is perfectly legal. She's an adult and the age gap is miniscule at their age. Leave them alone.

IStandWithPosie · 24/10/2018 09:52

Like you OP I would disapprove.

😂😂😂

Who are these dinosaurs that think they get to approve or not of their adult child’s relationship? You don’t get to approve, they don’t need approval.

Urchinella · 24/10/2018 09:53

How hard would life be if we had to pair up with people exactly our own age.

How would that work?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/10/2018 09:53

The age gap isn't an issue, but TBH I do think it's a bit dodgy to date someone who was your MA student. Saying 'they're both academics' is ridiculous! Of course they're not. She's a recently-graduated MA student.

I'm 34, and there is just no way I would date a student I'd taught. Nor would I have done four years ago. It would have been seen as very inappropriate by my faculty, too. There's been a big crackdown on this sort of thing in recent years, and I think people who imagine it's quite normal are probably remembering what it used to be like quite a long time ago.

You probably don't know how it started (and I don't think it is particularly your business), but I've been asked out by students/former students and really, it wouldn't be normal to say yes. You just don't put your own students in that mental category.

Basecamp65 · 24/10/2018 09:54

When I was at school our history teacher married a former pupil who had just finished her A levels and left the school. Both were always adamant that nothing happened until she had left - but they commenced a relationship the day she left

30 years later I was at an event and they were there and we had a chat and became friends - they are still happily married and probably one of the most equal and balanced relationships I have ever seen.

This is two adults - post grad tutors are more like work supervisors/line managers than tutors. Few people would find a relationship like this an issue

Hidillyho · 24/10/2018 09:56

Meh, it’s 6 years not 40. There is 8 years between me and DP and I was younger than your DD.

Your DD was an adult when they met, obviously not the most ideal way of meeting but I couldn’t get worked up about a relationship between adults

0lga · 24/10/2018 09:56

Who are these dinosaurs that think they get to approve or not of their adult child’s relationship? You don’t get to approve, they don’t need approval

I know, these women having opinions, where will it end?

Guess what, even old people are entitled to their opinions. I get to approve and disapprove or anything I like , sorry if that upsets you.

I’m surprised that as a feminist you would make such an ageist comment.

Juells · 24/10/2018 09:56

He's shown that he sees students as possible sexual partners, so next year he may have another attractive student and your daughter will be dumped. Not ideal for long-term relationships, perhaps, but it's no different to hooking up with work colleagues.

BolleauxtoBankers · 24/10/2018 09:57

Universities have long been hot-beds (so to speak) of affairs between tutors and students. It's quite natural in those circumstances, as others have said, and probably a sound basis for a relationship, based on common interests. As for the "age difference", I'm afraid you're just being silly, OP! My parents met at work and had a 12 year age gap between them, as did two of my aunts and uncles. Their marriages all lasted a long time, until one spouse died.

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