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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my daughter shouldn't date her former tutor?

264 replies

trob22 · 24/10/2018 09:21

My daughter is 24 and recently finished a masters course. Now she is in a relationship with the tutor who was her personal supervisor, who is 30. She keeps saying that nothing happened until after she got her results so nothing inappropriate, now they are both adults who just happened to meet each other etc etc.... Even leaving aside the age gap, I think that is completely inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way, never mind to start dating them afterwards. There obviously must have been some flirtatious relationship between them when she was his student for them to start dating so soon after, which I think is horrifying. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:

Rosehip10 · 24/10/2018 10:00

Are you from a middle class background?

BarbarianMum · 24/10/2018 10:00

He's shown he sees adult women as possible sexual partners Juells. And she's shown she fancies men. Should they now lock themselves in a box together so they dont get tempted?

BlueJava · 24/10/2018 10:01

She's postgrad and a grown woman and can make her own mind up - none of your business. I'd be making sure I was very supportive and happy for them - otherwise you will lose her. There is nothing wrong with this - they dated after she graduated, there is hardly any age gap.

Juells · 24/10/2018 10:01

Who are these dinosaurs that think they get to approve or not of their adult child’s relationship? You don’t get to approve, they don’t need approval.

I don't know any mother who doesn't have an opinion on her adult child's relationship. There isn't a magic cut-off point where you've brought up a child, invested all your emotion and love in that child for almost twenty years, then wash your hands of them.

There's a saying...You're only as happy as your least happy child. If you see trouble ahead of course you're going to worry. The tutor/student relationship is a bit of a hotbed if both parties find the other attractive.

Camomila · 24/10/2018 10:01

I think that's fine as well...lots of people meet their partners at work. When I was a 24 year old postgrad uni felt more like work to me...the younger tutors felt more like colleagues than 'teachers'.

Omzlas · 24/10/2018 10:01

YABU

She's an adult and the 'age difference' is almost negligible

She's an adult!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/10/2018 10:03

This is two adults - post grad tutors are more like work supervisors/line managers than tutors. Few people would find a relationship like this an issue

No, we're not more like work supervisors or line managers.

When you are at work, the assumption is that you're qualified to do your job. You're a professional. When you are a student, the assumption is that you are not yet a professional. You're in a dependent relationship with the person who is teaching you. They may well have selected you for the programme and they may well be involved in deciding whether you'll be eligible for further study.

Billben · 24/10/2018 10:04

, I think that is completely inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way,

😀
They are both grown ups so you’ll really need to get over yourself about this.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/10/2018 10:05

When I was a 24 year old postgrad uni felt more like work to me...the younger tutors felt more like colleagues than 'teachers'.

I am pretty sure that they didn't feel like that about you.

I've had the odd student who tells me 'we're like colleagues, really'. And I smile and say how nice that is. But, no, someone who's your teacher is not also your colleague.

IStandWithPosie · 24/10/2018 10:05

I know, these women having opinions, where will it end?

Nice, (but weird) try, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. Which you know.

Guess what, even old people are entitled to their opinions.

I wasn’t a reference to your age (I have no idea how old you are!) it was a reference to your archaic attitude that you could approve an adult’s relationship. Which you can’t.

I get to approve and disapprove or anything I like , sorry if that upsets you.

You can’t, but it amuses me that you think you can.

I’m surprised that as a feminist you would make such an ageist comment.

Again, nice try.

IStandWithPosie · 24/10/2018 10:07

I don't know any mother who doesn't have an opinion on her adult child's relationship

Opinion, sure. Right of approval? Nah.

icouldwriteabook · 24/10/2018 10:07

the only thing i'm worried about is how involved you are in your daughter's business. you've even made her justify herself to her own mother.

you don't get a say in any decisions she makes (nor should you), so you revert to mumsnet to slag her relationship off.

there's 12 years between me and my DP, and we're best friends as well as a couple, with our own house, dog, wedding plans and a baby on the way.

please don't judge , he could be the father of your grandchildren one day, and could be an excellent SIL to you.

wopbamboo · 24/10/2018 10:08

Ha ha! age gap? Why dont you like him? - you clearly dont.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/10/2018 10:10

Is he likely to be ‘only’ 30 when he’s a Tutor? That seems very young to me?

StormTreader · 24/10/2018 10:11

I thought you were going to say 18 and 40! At 24 and 30 you're totally overreacting.

0lga · 24/10/2018 10:11

I didn’t say right of approval . Stop misquoting me .

Interesting that you seem to disagree with me and feel perfectly entitled to tell me. Even though i am a completely anonymous person online.

While suggesting that I am not entitled to have a view ( which I don’t share ) on my children’s partners.

Sorry but I don’t care about your approval or lack of it of my opinions.

People have opinions. They won’t all be the same as yours. Some of these people will be women and some will be old. Get over it.

LadyGregorysToothbrush · 24/10/2018 10:11

How many of those saying “it’s just like work colleagues” are academics? It’s really, really not. Students, even postgrad students, are not colleagues. Supervisees are not colleagues. There is an enduring power dynamic that doesn’t just go away after graduation.

This would be highly frowned upon in my dept, and rightly so.

Tarahumara · 24/10/2018 10:11

I think it's inappropriate for a tutor to date one of their students.

However, if they're insisting that nothing happened while she was his student, I guess you have to just let them get on with it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/10/2018 10:13

annie, I was 30 when I got my first academic job, and I would say it's bang on average.

Dljlr · 24/10/2018 10:13

Is he likely to be ‘only’ 30 when he’s a Tutor? That seems very young to me?

I was, and plenty of colleagues are that and younger.

Age gap is nothing and it's really not your business op.

SirVixofVixHall · 24/10/2018 10:14

Well it is a small age gap, he is only 30, and she is well into adulthood so I would be absolutely fine about this. It isn’t as though she is 19 and he 55.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/10/2018 10:15

LRD. Oh OK. I’m clearly getting OLD, it just seems young for a tutor, so I thought maybe one of them was possibly being a tad economical with the truth about his age.

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/10/2018 10:16

Yabu

They are both adults . And where both adults when they met.

If you cabt date work colleagues or your gym instructors or old tutors and anyone who people might deem inappropriate etc then it must be extremely hard to find anyone you share an interest with.

HairyToity · 24/10/2018 10:16

Happened when I was at uni, with bigger age gaps. I can remember one friend having an affair with a married tutor.

HairyToity · 24/10/2018 10:16

Yabu

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