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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think my daughter shouldn't date her former tutor?

264 replies

trob22 · 24/10/2018 09:21

My daughter is 24 and recently finished a masters course. Now she is in a relationship with the tutor who was her personal supervisor, who is 30. She keeps saying that nothing happened until after she got her results so nothing inappropriate, now they are both adults who just happened to meet each other etc etc.... Even leaving aside the age gap, I think that is completely inappropriate for a tutor to even look at a student in that way, never mind to start dating them afterwards. There obviously must have been some flirtatious relationship between them when she was his student for them to start dating so soon after, which I think is horrifying. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 12:57

I think your reaction is very odd. As if you think she's a school girl dating her teacher. She's a 24 year old woman and the age differential is not significant, they are in the same range. They clearly have a lot in common.

I don't know why she keeps having to say there was nothing between them before, this indicates you keep asking. You are the one behaving inappropriately.

Respect your adult daughters boundaries and decisions. Stop your inappropriate interfering and judgement of her love life. Respect she is a grown woman.

And think why you are behaving so inappropriately. Have you always been overbearing and interfering with her? Are you able to accept she's a grown woman? Because it seems like you think you have a say here, that your opinion matters and that in some way you get to decide.

You don't.

ErickBroch · 24/10/2018 13:05

Troll post? She is 24, he is probably a PHD student teaching to help fund it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/10/2018 13:08

Bollocks

No, not bollocks. There are now clear policies in place regarding relationships between staff and students given some very messy histories where some (mostly) male staff exploited some (mostly) female students - many being serial offenders as it were.

As said in a previous post, I have known many, many cases over the years where male staff have formed relationships (genuine or exploitative) with female students, but only one where a female staff member formed a reltionship with a male student.

Gabilan · 24/10/2018 13:09

He'd be unlikely to be a PhD student tutoring masters students. It might not apply across all specialisms but in my area you were definitely expected to have your PhD before you tutored postgrads.

EdisonLightBulb · 24/10/2018 13:10

Sorry, but to me a PG student and a lecturer are akin to going to doing a pottery course at evening class and being asked out by your single pottery teacher.

It is absolutely not an issue.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 24/10/2018 13:12

YABU

As others have said, he is 30 so probably a PhD student.

No issue at all.

corythatwas · 24/10/2018 13:13

"In fact, I had a boyfriend who was a lecturer, while I was still a student. He wasn't my lecturer and never had anything to do with my evaluations. Nobody batted an eyelid - it's very common in university contexts."

If you were at the same institution, that would be a disciplinary offence these days. Those are the rules and it's the job of any academic to know them.

corythatwas · 24/10/2018 13:15

And I would be VERY suspicious of an institution that lets a PhD student (someone who hasn't even written his own first piece of independent publishable research) tutor a Masters student. I doubt that happens anywhere, I should jolly well hope not.

glamorousgrandmother · 24/10/2018 13:16

One of my University lecturers was married to a man who had been a Post Grad student. He was quite a bit younger than her.

DistanceCall · 24/10/2018 13:16

There are now clear policies in place regarding relationships between staff and students given some very messy histories where some (mostly) male staff exploited some (mostly) female students - many being serial offenders as it were.

There's always been policies. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. And in most cases, it's completely harmless (provided that the teacher does not teach or in any way evaluate the student).

The OP's daughter is no longer a student. Of course people can have relationships with their former teachers - particularly if they were both adults when they met!

glamorousgrandmother · 24/10/2018 13:16

She's 24, it's not your business.

Gabilan · 24/10/2018 13:17

Sorry, but to me a PG student and a lecturer are akin to going to doing a pottery course at evening class and being asked out by your single pottery teacher

Only if you wanted a career in pottery and were dependent on the pottery teacher to assess your work and provide a reference. My tutors were giving me references several years into my career. It really isn't that casual. it's very different from the school teacher/ pupil relationship but it certainly isn't like dating your evening class teacher!

corythatwas · 24/10/2018 13:18

"Sorry, but to me a PG student and a lecturer are akin to going to doing a pottery course at evening class and being asked out by your single pottery teacher."

Have you done a PhD, Edison? Or tutored one? It is very, very different.

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 13:23

I think there is some confusion here. She did not say he as her tutor, she said he was her personal supervisor of which post grad students have at least two, possibly more. The tutor is above the supervisor and works with rhe supervisors.

The supervisors more work with the student in research plans, timing etc. And he won't have been her only supervisor and he won't have been her tutor.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/10/2018 13:25

He'd be a bit long in the tooth to be still doing a PhD at 30. Not unheard of, but it's more likely he's a junior academic.

If he were a PhD student, it'd still be dodgy.

When I was about nine months into my first job, and I was 30, I went on an online date with someone who turned out to be a final-year PhD student in the same faculty. It was beyond awkward. She had no idea it was inappropriate so hadn't said - and I could tell it really, really was. I mentioned it to a senior colleague because I was, frankly, unsure what to do and she was very nice to me but confirmed that it's absolutely not ok.

And in that situation we were the same age (she may even have been older than me), and I'd been in her shoes less than a year before.

It just felt very wrong. And it would have been.

LadyGregorysToothbrush · 24/10/2018 13:28

The supervisors more work with the student in research plans, timing etc. And he won't have been her only supervisor and he won't have been her tutor.

Not in my field. MA students have one supervisor only. And the supervisor does have pastoral responsibility, even if not formally assigned as personal tutor.

Gabilan · 24/10/2018 13:28

Well the title question is to think my daughter shouldn't date her former tutor? and the OP goes on to state the tutor who was her personal supervisor.

canonlydoblue · 24/10/2018 13:29

Nothing happened until the course was finished - in my opinion there is nothing creepy about two adults being attracted to each other. As a pp said, in many lines of work, relationships between co-workers are forbidden so one must change their job if they wish to continue in. That is essentially what has happened here. As for the age gap, it's not even worth mentioning. I met my husband when I was 24 and he was 31, we've just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.

DistanceCall · 24/10/2018 13:30

He'd be a bit long in the tooth to be still doing a PhD at 30.

Many PhD students finish their theses in their 30s. Or even later.

The main point, I think, is that the OP's daughter is no longer a student. It would have been wrong for them to have a relationship while he was still her tutor. But he no longer is.

Cherries101 · 24/10/2018 13:30

It’s incredibly wrong and she knows it. I bet they did flirt / sleep together while he tutored her but doesn’t want to admit it, and he may well have given her more help than he might have a student he didn’t sleep with. Also, at most universities, getting tutor support for your phd often takes ages and is a lot of effort (need to book appointments etc), so it’s even possible she got more formal help than another student might have.

mostdays · 24/10/2018 13:31

I do think yabu here. She's 24. She's not his student any more. If there had been a relationship when she was, sure, that would be an issue. Even if his employer has a policy attempting to ban staff from having a relationship with past students, I'd still think ywbu- because that would be an unreasonable policy.

My tutor for MA was not the person who gave my references or marked my dissertation, they had no power over my future career. I'm sure the tutor role varies immensely between universities and courses- in fact I know it does, so pp can't assume that the op's daughter's tutor would have had some sort of power over her that would mean her choice to be with him isn't a free and valid choice!

Oblomov18 · 24/10/2018 13:31

DistanceCall

I meant during their time at Uni:

"Universities have rules and would frown on anything personal. "

Universities have rules whilst the student and their tutor, are enrolled at the university.

DistanceCall · 24/10/2018 13:35

Universities have always had rules regarding students and staff that may have influence on their evaluation - and thus have power over them. This is nothing new.

In this case, there is absolutely nothing wrong. She is no longer a student, he is no longer her tutor.

And what if they were attracted to each other while they she was still a student? It happens - people are human. All that matters is that they did not act on it until they were no longer in a tutor-tutee relationship.

Also, OP - your daughter's love life is none of your business. Take a step back.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/10/2018 13:36

distance - it's true, some do, so perhaps I should just say it's perfectly normal to finish by 30. There's no reason to assume he's still doing his PhD.

bluntness - it's a terminology issue. Some places use 'tutor' and others 'supervisor,' and the roles vary between subjects and universities.

DistanceCall · 24/10/2018 13:42

Frankly, I think the OP has no idea exactly what role the tutor played in her daughter's master's degree. He may have been a member of staff (a lecturer or a research fellow), or he may have been a more advanced postgraduate student who helped her with her work. At 30, it's very unlikely that he's a staff member on a regular basis, actually.

In either case, it's completely irrelevant. Because she is no longer a student there.