to expect DM, 70, to sort out her affairs

[10yellowbuckets]

Should possibly have put in elderly relatives, but posting here for traffic.

Usually have an excellent relationship with DM. Over the last 2 years or so its become increasingly strained as she refuses to sort out her affairs. She is an extremely fit, active and usually very sensible 70 yo with no health issues. Every time I suggest that she sorts out a PoA, her Will or her large 4 bedroomed house full of shit house full of very important stuff she responds with either ' 'I'm not planning to die any time soon' (which is ironic seeing as her DH died at 50) or 'its like you want me dead'. We've now had several huge arguments over this.

She knows her not-fit-for-purpose 25 year old will is going to cause a family shit storm, but won't change it (she says she won't be around to see the arguments) and she also knows that its going to take me (because DBs won't help) years to sort her house out which has stuff crammed in every cupboard, wardrobe, drawer and flat surface that you can pile anything.

Very occasionally she accepts help to clear out a cupboard, but next time we visit it will be full of something else.

I have a friend IRL who has a very similar problem, with no solutions. Does anyone have any suggestions or do I just have to accept that when she dies be that in 2 years or 30 that things will be horrible because she didn't want to sort it out when she was alive. AIBcompletelyU to keep bringing this up in the hope that my nagging will get her to do something?

Ineedaholidaynow You cannot apply to the court of protection to be a deputy to sell a house you jointly own with the person who has lost capacity . You have to find an independent person. My daughter now is the deputy to sell my husband’s half of the house and I am deputy for his other financial affairs. This has to be two separate applications to the COP ( two fees also) . You would all be amazed how difficult everything is, You cannot do anything on behalf of someone (even a spouse) without a POA. The bank would not tell me if my husband had a credit card bill so I could pay it, I could not even change things like utilities into my name before I had the deputyship order, I just tell everyone meet to get a POA and make sure you have a substitute person!

OP glad your difficulties re PoA have been resolved by your DM's DS. Who got her on side?

I was lucky enough to have a DM who did everything ahead of time - from POAs, refreshing her will, to doing a chuck out and labelling of photos/paintings, who she wanted at her funeral and what she wanted. And individual gifts to GCs and friends and charities. Like the OP I had a lovely relationship with her.

I've tried the same for my DCs. Including what the Swedish call the death clean - getting rid of stuff that won't mean anything to them or their children and giving stuff to them they want.

Not gloating, just saying to PPs who said 70 was too young to consider this that I've done this since 40. And the other thing is the life directive which I think needs to be registered with the GP or surgery which says in which cases you'd want to be resuscitated.

Some people - especially those heading for 70 and above - tend to think making a will or provision is tempting death and don't think of the consequences. As PPs have said, it's better to think ahead from the time you get assets/form a relationship and keep your house in order.

halfacup I am so sorry you are going through this. We would have been in the exact same position if my DF's terminal cancer hadn't got to him so quickly after he lost his mental capacity.

My DM didn't want us to upset him when I had mentioned getting a POA before, the irony is he would have been much more upset if he knew the financial stress he would have caused if he had lived longterm with dementia.

I just hope that a number of posters who came on here berating the OP now realise how important it is to have your affairs in order, and that it wasn't the OP being greedy but hoping to avoid the additional heartache and stress that some of us have been through when they are not in order.

INeeda I hope you are right and it has made people think a bit more about it as a sensible thing to sort no matter what age you are.

it all sounds very difficult.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, it’s a difficult one. She probably won’t want to think about it, it’s not exactly a nice thought. However watching my best friend in tears the last few weeks because her elderly mother passed away without leaving enough money for a funeral or even any instructions makes me inclined to have the conversation with my mum who’s only 60!!

Without a LPA my dh could not pay his Mum's care bills and meet her other needs. She has lost all mental capacity, needs full nursing care and doesn't even recognise her children.

He had to sell her house to fund the nursing care. The only beneficiary of the LPA is the elderly person.

You have my sympathy, op.

My close friend's wealthy father died in the noughties without a will, leaving a large house and assets in utter disarray. It took my friend and her db six months to clear the house. They had to get a bridging loan to cover the household costs for months. She ended up having a breakdown; the whole experience was horrendous. And they still don't think they found everything.

Luckily, my DM is very forward planning in this regard and has just begun a "clear out" of their loft with me helping. We are doing two boxes a week and are two months in.

It is extraordinary how long it takes to do the process properly, to really consider what to do with each item. We found Great Auntie Daisy's table cloth; she died in 1959!

What I found helped with my PILs was asking for old photos so I could digitise them. Maybe something like that could be an "in". But failing that, you are really looking at skip clearance in the future.

It depends on the personality and if they already have dementia.

Dh broached the digitising of photos to mil, and she went ballistic . She was screaming that he was grabbing her stuff before she was dead etc etc. Dh was in tears as he really hadn't intended anything untoward.

The pil made no plans as they had no intention of dying. When they were in their early 80s they had a very expensive floor fitted. Mil was grumbling about what would happen when the guarantee ran out. The 25-year guarantee .

DH and I are thinking of creating a 'death box' with details of everything our DDs would need to know. My dad (dead 22 years now) did the same, and we laughed at the time about how meticulous he was. But I think it's a really good idea to have everything in one place.