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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DM, 70, to sort out her affairs

360 replies

10yellowbuckets · 23/10/2018 16:55

Should possibly have put in elderly relatives, but posting here for traffic.

Usually have an excellent relationship with DM. Over the last 2 years or so its become increasingly strained as she refuses to sort out her affairs. She is an extremely fit, active and usually very sensible 70 yo with no health issues. Every time I suggest that she sorts out a PoA, her Will or her large 4 bedroomed house full of shit house full of very important stuff she responds with either ' 'I'm not planning to die any time soon' (which is ironic seeing as her DH died at 50) or 'its like you want me dead'. We've now had several huge arguments over this.

She knows her not-fit-for-purpose 25 year old will is going to cause a family shit storm, but won't change it (she says she won't be around to see the arguments) and she also knows that its going to take me (because DBs won't help) years to sort her house out which has stuff crammed in every cupboard, wardrobe, drawer and flat surface that you can pile anything.

Very occasionally she accepts help to clear out a cupboard, but next time we visit it will be full of something else.

I have a friend IRL who has a very similar problem, with no solutions. Does anyone have any suggestions or do I just have to accept that when she dies be that in 2 years or 30 that things will be horrible because she didn't want to sort it out when she was alive. AIBcompletelyU to keep bringing this up in the hope that my nagging will get her to do something?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 23/10/2018 16:57

:/

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/10/2018 16:58

So how do you start that conversation?

Hi Mum, you know you're going to die soon, could you get your life sorted so I don't have to bother? Love you x x

No matter how you think you are approaching it I would bet that the above is how she would hear it.

Your solution is to shut up and enjoy the rest of your mum's life. Sort out the shit when she is no longer with you!

Sweetiedarlingletmein · 23/10/2018 17:00

I say let your mother live her life (however long that may be) and enjoy the time with her that you have.

chillpizza · 23/10/2018 17:00

If she’s not listened once leave it. My in-laws have their stuff in order. My parents are planning to do so worst case you dig out important paperwork, take sentimental items and call in a house clearance team to empty the house.

tiggerkid · 23/10/2018 17:00

There is no diplomatic way of approaching this TBH. It sounds like you already tried and it's not worked. Unfortunately you can't really force her to sort anything out as it's her house, her affairs. The only way to deal with this is to cross the bridge when it comes.

Furrydogmum · 23/10/2018 17:02

I feel for you! My pil have hoarded for years and at 70 have just emptied gmil 90's house - as she went into into a home and taken half her crap to add to theirs 😣

thegreylady · 23/10/2018 17:02

What is wrong with her current will?

SweetSummerchild · 23/10/2018 17:02

Sort out the shit when she is no longer with you!

This is sometimes easier said than done. My family’s experience is that the shit can often end up needing sorting when the person is still with you but incapable of decision making or acting on it. Sad but true.

YANBU for being concerned but YABU for going on about it. If she’s not ready to start thinking abotu this now then going on and on about it is not going to change her mind.

Aozora13 · 23/10/2018 17:03

Well you know your mum best, but most people don’t respond well to nagging...

You are absolutely not unreasonable to want her to sort her affairs out though - we’re currently mired deep in the mess my MIL left behind with a nonsense will written on the back of a fag packet and a hoarders paradise of a house.

Sorry that’s completely unhelpful, but I do empathise with your position.

nonevernotever · 23/10/2018 17:04

I have no solutions I'm afraid. My very sensible DM has sorted out a POA and a will, but I fully recognise the house full of stuff (with the odd family piece mixed in with the crap) and she keeps coming out with statements now that are going to be very difficult to implement without causing trouble [eg don't want DIL at the funeral - S and DIL haven't visited in the 20 years since they married, but I can absolutely see DIL coming straight over and S (my DBrother) being devastated at any suggestion that his wife is unwelcome. My DSister on the other hand will take great pleasure in telling her she isn't welcome....]

thegreylady · 23/10/2018 17:04

I haven’t arranged for p o a I am 74, dh is 82 and that isn’t a step we feel we need to take yet and I would resent any of our dc suggesting it.

MoteOfDustInASunbeam · 23/10/2018 17:05

It does sound a bit like you are waiting for her to die and want to ensure a big, fat slice of the resulting pie.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 23/10/2018 17:06

First of all, how is her Will going to cause a shitstorm? Is it not divided equally between you and siblings?

Secondly, when she does die, just take what you want and get a house clearance company to get rid of the rest.

Don't push the point - although you could buy her this as a secret santa present: www.amazon.co.uk/Gentle-Art-Swedish-Death-Cleaning/dp/1786891085?tag=mumsnetforum-21

You may find as she gets older she may start sorting out stuff anyway. I've seen this happen before. It's like the opposite of nesting when you're about to give birth Grin

PandorasBag · 23/10/2018 17:07

I do think 70 is actually relatively young. You say your mother is in good health. Many people live until they are in their nineties. It may be that in five or ten years if she feels she is managing less well, she will be more ready to have those sorts of conversations. Sorting out possessions would need to happen if, for example, sheltered accommodation or a flat in a development for older people became desirable. Until then I suggest you leave it.

HeddaGarbled · 23/10/2018 17:07

The several huge arguments have pushed her into her entrenched position. My advice is to never mention it again.

SushiMonster · 23/10/2018 17:09

You don't have to sort through anything. You can bin the whole lot on her death.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 23/10/2018 17:10

POA can only be sorted while you are still considered sound of mind. Otherwise be prepared for the state to make all the decisions regarding your finances and care rather than your family. Unless, of course, that's preferable, which may be the case.

ExplodedPeach · 23/10/2018 17:10

Stop bringing it up, it won't get you anywhere. All you'll do is make bad feeling. Shut up and hope she sorts it in her own time.

You won't have to sort out her house, when the time comes. You could pay a clearance company, or sell it as it is.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/10/2018 17:11

Do and Inhave recently drawn up Ps of A for finances, health and welfare.

Personally I think it's a bit irresponsible not to, since the lack of either (if you become incapacitated for any reason, which can happen suddenly) it can cause no end of headaches and extra expense, particularly if dementia is involved.

As for not making/updating a will, that is just IMO downright stupid and irresponsible. However anyone stupid and irresponsible enough not to bother, is probably unlikely to respond to nagging or chivvying.

I don't blame you for being hacked off, OP.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/10/2018 17:11

Dh and I have...

AddictedtoCrunchies · 23/10/2018 17:12

TheGreyLady
I'm just 48 and have done a Lasting Power of Attorney. It's not just for when you're older - I could have an accident or a stroke at any time so I wanted to make sure someone could make decisions on my behalf. It's not an age thing, it's a circumstance thing. But it's your choice obvs.

OP. I think you're just going to have to go with it, enjoy the time with her and worry about the rest when you have to.

BoomTish · 23/10/2018 17:12

Easy solution would be for her to remove you from the will entirely. That way, you won’t have to worry about “sorting” any of it. Leave the clearing of the house to whomever inherits it.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/10/2018 17:13

With others who say that it's not really something you can bring up often, and things can improve.

My in laws have a tricky family situation and didn't even have a will until some of their friends died and they saw the squabbling and family bust up caused, they now have one. We're hoping that with more examples they might also sort out their house, but aren't holding our breath.

InDubiousBattle · 23/10/2018 17:15

I agree with Hedda, you're badgering has backed her into a corner.

My dad is almost 70 and not in the best health (although I hope he still has many, many years left)and he refuses to get a will. He says it will just be split between me and my sister, which is fine and it will but just having a basic will would make it much easier for us, and there's the rub. It's easier for those left behind but make no real difference to the living breathing person if they don'the really care what happened to all of their stuff after they die.

My advice would be to never mentioned it again. It's not your money, not your house, not your mess. If when it comes to it you can't deal with it all then there are ways you can refuse an inheritance, is that something you would consider?

InDubiousBattle · 23/10/2018 17:17

'Your' not 'you're'.

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