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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 24/10/2018 20:36

where do you draw the line & say that actually they are suh a shit dad-what's the benefit

Well to be fair to this guy, the OP hasn’t said anything bad at all about his interactions with the kids, and it sounds like they’re having a great time with their gran. So I would say you’d draw the line a long way distant from where the OPs ex is.

Brilliant that you’ve said not to him OP!

Loonoon · 24/10/2018 20:41

Just say No. He’ll find another way. Users always do.

Shriekingbanshee · 24/10/2018 20:43

From a DC perspective, it can be very alarming indeed to not be taken home when they are expecting to be. Then there's the clean clothes. I also think some get extremely anxious at the prospect of missing school without reason, scared of getting into trouble, worried about mummy and so on. He's not exactly being a good father, but then I guess he thought he could rely on OP towing the line. He will twice in future!

Shriekingbanshee · 24/10/2018 20:45

*think

Jux · 24/10/2018 20:47

Yes, make sure the school know which parent is resp9nsible for getting your dc back late and so know who to bill.

stickystick · 24/10/2018 20:53

I'd make him pay a deposit next time he picks up your son. He gives you £50, which you keep until he returns him (on time).

Niceforwhat · 24/10/2018 20:55

I’m sure if he was really that desperate he could lend the money from his parents anyway.
Glad you’ve stood your ground OP

GabsAlot · 24/10/2018 20:56

his ex went through the cms but u wont?

if they can get her rmoney they can get yours

Original poster
MrsNacho · 24/10/2018 21:06

I don't think school will fine for 2 days absence, I think it kicks in at 5 days and DS has good attendance otherwise. His other child goes to a different school so I can't speak for hers.

I am fairly sure he will get them home though.

Thanks everyone for the support it was an absolute eye opener to read the replies I got and it gave me the courage to not be a doormat this time.

OP posts:
StarB3 · 24/10/2018 21:07

At the end of the day you need to get your children home. Maybe he over spent while they are with him so has run out of money. Tell him to make sure he can afford it next time. He chose to move yes but is making the effort to have the children at least

Shriekingbanshee · 24/10/2018 21:14

No nachos will likely go down as a couple of days of 'unauthorised' leave one year we had 21 of those

Deidre21 · 24/10/2018 21:17

No advice but just wanted to say you are a good mum not using your child to be spiteful to him by saying he can’t see the child when he messes up, all too often by the sounds of it. Some people don’t take having children, raising them seriously enough. If you have children you take care of them. Don’t lose the good person you are because of the way he is but you can still be good and stand up to his nonsense because you are doing what is best for your child. Perhaps if he is faced with having to support your child and the other child he will grow up and take responsibility and get a stable job. Good luck.

mantlepiece · 24/10/2018 21:19

Don’t be a doormat anytime Mrs Nacho!

I wish you luck in completely detaching from someone you once loved and obviously still have feelings for.

Your priority now is your child and YOU. Yes you. Not him. Your Christmas will be greatly enhanced if you stop baling him out and demand proper child support.

chloetheudder · 24/10/2018 21:20

Well done OP for saying no! People like him are why nice people like you end up being enablers. It feels like an impossible situation as you don’t want your child to be negatively affected, but in ‘helping’ him you’d also be removing any negative consequences of his behavior making it less likely that he will sort himself out in the long run. He clearly has money management issues and the only way he’s actually going to address them is if everyone stops bailing him out and he has to change himself and his behaviors. His issues aren’t your responsibility. It’s hard to say no when your child might be negatively affected but it does stop you from being a mug and it means he’s going to have to look for other paths of least resistance until he finally does something about his money problems.

chloetheudder · 24/10/2018 21:24

I can see how this sort of thing is super tricky when it comes to your child though. Obviously you don’t want them to be any more negatively affected than they have to be eg, you wouldn’t want to point this issue out or go on about how useless he is, but you also don’t want to be involved in hiding how rubbish he is or help him misrepresent himself to your child as a father who has his shit together when clearly he doesn’t. Good luck with finding a balance between the two that feels right for you and your child.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 24/10/2018 21:27

Why would any half decent parent take a child that far away when they have no money to return them?

I really hope he doesn’t live with his parents. If he does I assume he spends his money on crap for himself while assuming his kids live on air and grass.

He may be called a ‘good dad’ because he takes them for a few days and palms them off on his mother but he isn’t, he’s trying to sponge off you, taking money OFF his kids. If you give him £100 then His kids pay him their child benefit to see him!

Starlight345 · 24/10/2018 21:47

I have just read thread . Well done for standing up to him.

For information . Whether he stays in a job or not the debt still build up with the cms.

If other ex is as you say she is . She won’t tolerate this.

He is a grown up and not your responsibility to pick up the pieces for his failings.

Mrspenfold123 · 24/10/2018 21:50

Waiting for the update saying he’s topped himself.

What’s his particular addiction? Online gambling?

Shriekingbanshee · 24/10/2018 21:54

The way they get away with it is taking advantage of other s' decent nature. The DC will never really see him as who he is all the while he knows DM will cover for him (in misguided protection of the DC). This is not a judgemental 'misguided'; it is classically what abused mothers do to try to hide the DC from the worst of fathers behaviours, and fathers are fully aware, mothers in a FOG take a long time to realise, so women do not ENABLE. Men are using or abusing that do this.

AvoidingDM · 24/10/2018 22:05

I'm fairly confident he will find the cash. I don't actually believe he has a cash issue, more it's just a way to rob and manipulate you.
Other Ex sees him for what he is and refused to be a door mat!

angell74 · 24/10/2018 22:11

What a difficult situation for you.

I agree with Jux. Please do explain the situation to your child’s School. You won’t get fined for a few days if your child generally has good attendance and if things get difficult they can support you both.

Leapfrog44 · 24/10/2018 22:23

It's only a loan though right? I'd give it but only if you're sure you'll get it back

LovelyGirlNOT · 24/10/2018 22:38

I fail to understand how you can value his friendship, as you say, when you aren't friends.

Friends don't mug each other off like this.

Just remember, first and foremost, he is your child's father and EQUALLY responsible for their welfare and the finances that come with providing for them. But instead he moved away 250 miles away from his child, doesn't pay a penny of maintenance and then attempts to emotionally blackmail you into paying him to return your child home.

Sorry, he's not your friend OP. He pretends to be to keep you sweet, and you're falling for it.

Get onto CMS. This man-child needs to grow up.

Icanttakemuchmore · 24/10/2018 22:50

I'd lend him half of the return journey, £25.

Ariela · 25/10/2018 00:36

Don't pay.
Quite sure he'll get the kids back for school on Monday. He's only wanting the money because he sees it unfair he has to pay to feed the kids for a week, sees it as you getting away with less costs this week (even though he pays you no maintenance for the rest of the time).
Stay firm. His mum is there, sure she can lend the money if he's already frittered away every penny he has