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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 25/10/2018 20:54

And registering your claim with CSA asap I hope!

aroundnabout · 25/10/2018 22:04

It is very clear why he is taking the piss out of you OP! He may start showing you some respect when you start showing some for yourself

TiredConfusedMumma · 25/10/2018 23:52

I personally would pay it even if it meant me being a mug.... if he has no money for petrol, what does he have in the means of looking after the kids for the extra days??? I mean, if he truly is broke right now.

Yes he’s probably taking advantage of you BUT your kids come first and having them home and knowing they are getting everything they need is worth that extra $$

I think you’re outlook on the whole situation is fantastic to be fair. You want your kids to maintain a great relationship with their father and a lot of parents will let money get in the way of that... it’s not idea BUT neither is having a toxic relationship with your ex so much so that your kids suffer.

I’d be talking to him and explaining that you just can’t afford this type of thing and that if he puts you in that situation again you won’t be able to help, not because you don’t want to but because you simply can’t afford it.

Hope it all worked out in the end!

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 01:00

We would have to assume his cupboards are not bare Tired

I think there s a difference between being DM to the DC and being DM to him. He's not a child and he's blackmailing her to have taken them away without the money to bring them back again.

I hope this kind of thing isn't the reason for your name cos if this is your life no wonder you are tired and confused. I am being genuine, I really hope your life is not like this.

DBN1 · 26/10/2018 03:38

Oh OP, why? Are you paying half of the whole journey (including his return costs) or half of the 1-way costs? You should not be subsidising his journey back home or the other childs travel.
Please do let us know if he does pay you back on Wednesday. What are your plans if he doesn't?
What do you intend to do in the future with regard to this issue? I really hope you are still going to contact CMS? I'm sorry but this guy is playing you and you're letting him. Why the fuck should your child miss out on things but the other child get maintenance? Do you not think this could be a problem for your child when they are a little older? Stand up for yourself and your child. This man is an ex, he's not a friend, he's your child's absent father and should be supporting both of his children not just the one who's mother has more backbone!
I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm so angry on you behalf!

Snitzelvoncrumb · 26/10/2018 03:46

Just say you don't have it, but you will borrow from your mum and give it to him when he drops off your child. Then you will know if he is telling stories.

Or just say no to start with and see what happens.

FishesThatFly · 26/10/2018 08:42

I just can't believe how gullible some people are Hmm. Where's your self respect? Why are you allowing someone to take money away from your child?

DBN1 · 27/10/2018 19:37

Has he brought your child back yet OP? How much ££ did you give in the end? What about contacting CMS?

Original poster
MrsNacho · 27/10/2018 19:58

He hadn't brought him back yet, he drives at night ad the roads are quieter and the children sleep. They are on their way.

I gave half the money as per my early update So £50.

I am contacting the CMS when I get my £50 on Wednesday, don't want to cause a row before I get that.

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 27/10/2018 20:04

Will CMS take any action before Wednesday? Presumably thye won't pick it up until Monday.

FishesThatFly · 27/10/2018 21:33

CMS don't do anything quickly so l really wouldn't worry OP

DBN1 · 27/10/2018 21:45

You don't have/need to tell him you will be going through CMS and no, he won't hear from them for a while anyway.

Just out of interest, do you know if the other mum has had to cough up for the petrol this time too?

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 21:48

CMS pretty instant with a call to establish bio father before able to proceed further and so yes, good move to wait til Wednesday when DC safely home and you have your £50

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 27/10/2018 22:22

Have you given him the money already?

Blondebakingmumma · 28/10/2018 01:58

How dare he think it’s ok to take that money away from his son! He chose to move away. That choice shouldn’t cost you your hard earned cash.

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 01:53

I think it depends on whether he is generally a blagger or whether he's genuinely struggling (which sounds possible from what you've mentioned). I was always lending my ex money but she didn't earn much and always paid it back.

Original poster
MrsNacho · 28/10/2018 09:14

Well DS was delivered home safely about 3 this morning along with his other child who spent the night here due to the hour. She spends a lot of overnights here anyway so that is nothing unusual.

Had a chat with ex and he has promised maintenance and I have mentioned CMS as a "final warning" so to speak.

I don't think he takes advantage maliciously he us just genuinely rubbish with money but it is time to grow up and take responsibility.

Will update on Wednesday to see what if anything is forth coming....

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 28/10/2018 09:39

thanks for updating. glad he is home safely

JingsMahBucket · 28/10/2018 11:11

@MrsNacho did you ever contact the other mother to let her know what was going on? He's still treating you like a mug because he left her child at your house instead of just taking her over there.

Butterymuffin · 28/10/2018 11:42

So you frequently have his other child overnight too? Really toughen up with him OP. You are subsidising him and the mother of his other child. That comes at the expense of your own kids. Remember that when you would like to be able to afford more / other things for them.

Original poster
MrsNacho · 28/10/2018 11:44

His other child is my child's sibling, I was her step mum for 8 years and she is best friends with my older child. Regardless of my situation with ex, his daughter is still part of our family and it's really not being a mug having her round. We love her.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/10/2018 11:46

Glad they're back safe. Good luck with getting the dosh back. Basically I'm thinking Hmm and hmmmmmmm.

BengalLioness · 28/10/2018 12:04

"Regardless of my situation with ex, his daughter is still part of our family and it's really not being a mug having her round. We love her."

It's really lovely to see good relationships like this in blended families. I agree though that you do need to stop mothering your Ex and he needs to learn to manage his finances. I get pp don't want you to be taken for a mug but OP obviously enjoys having these good relationships so I don't think we need to be so negative about her relationship with the other child.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 28/10/2018 12:05

He drives them home at 3am?! That's ridiculous.

Why did you mention CMS to him at all? It's your child's money, contact them.

Jux · 28/10/2018 12:29

TheMobileSite, it's not that ridiculous surely? The roads are clearer with fewer delays and the children sleep. It's perfectly possible to transfer them from car to bed at home without waking them or just waking them a little, especially if they know that's what will be happening.

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