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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
ifiwasabutterfly · 23/10/2018 12:44

Give him £50 that's enough to get your kids back - certainly don't pay for him to get home again!

pumpkinpie01 · 23/10/2018 12:47

If he puts fuel in his car on Monday and pays by card it wont leave his bank til Wednesday I would have thought, which is when he would have been paid anyway.

Toughtips · 23/10/2018 12:48

Wow. I wouldn't be paying for this.

I would be telling him he can no longer take tbe kids away if he can't afford to get them home

Original poster
MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:50

Pumpkin pie he already did that to get here so can't do it again, his account is over drawn.

I am genuinely shocked that so many have said don't pay. I knew I was being a mug but honestly didn't think not paying it was an option.

He will probably pay it back but I don't think he will pay it back on Wednesday as he has changed job and won't have a full month pay. He will probably pay it back at the end of November.

OP posts:
Unicorn34 · 23/10/2018 12:50

As with post above, I would pay for half the journey to get your child back but leave it up to him to sort out how he gets home again.

toherdoor · 23/10/2018 12:51

Nope he needs to figure it out. Why do you think it is that he manages to pay his ex? Whatever she is doing, you need to do too.

LittleBookofCalm · 23/10/2018 12:52

As long as he pays it back and it doesnt leave you struggling you could, has he exhausted his parents bank/generosity too?

EdisonLightBulb · 23/10/2018 12:53

He's probably asked the other mum for the same, are you in contact with her?

Since he doesn't pay anything for your child I would ask him to knock it off what he owes you. It isn't your problem that a) he has no money b) he moved away c) he is feckless with money and doesn't support your/his child financially.

Well actually the last one is your problem but it's his doing.

Pheasantplucker2 · 23/10/2018 12:55

I'd also say his responsibility. And for him to contact school and explain why your child won't be back. And then, if you have other ex's contact details, ring or text her and explain what he's asked and that you've said no as you don't have enough money to do it.

BruegelTheElder · 23/10/2018 12:55

He sounds awful. And you're right, you do sound like a mug I'm afraid.

I'm another who wouldn't pay. The man needs to take some responsibility for once in his life.

ProfessorMoody · 23/10/2018 12:55

Absolutely NO WAY.

He moved away, he sorts it out. If I had a residency order in place, once the contract time was up I'd be reporting the children as not returned too.

He is walking all over you OP, and if you give in this time, he'll do it again and again. His problem.

Oh, and ring the CMS today!!

Devillanelle · 23/10/2018 12:56

I'd go and collect the kids myself and never let him take them away again.

AnnieOH1 · 23/10/2018 12:56

Just saying that my 1.4 petrol Scenic is the costliest of all our cars and would easily be that for 500 miles if a mix of motorway and town. One full tank gives me around 230 miles in that car.

diddl · 23/10/2018 12:57

So you & the other mother should be paying £50 each to get your kids back??

I would be tempted to find an alternative to giving him cash.
He moved away, pays nothing & still can't cope?

What a disgrace!

yomellamoHelly · 23/10/2018 12:57

It's very close to Christmas, so you might not see it again.

pumpkinpie01 · 23/10/2018 12:58

Has he ever borrowed money off you before and paid you back ? He has got such a cheek asking you when you get no maintenance !

newrubylane · 23/10/2018 13:00

If he barely had the money to take them then it was extremely CF-ish of him to do so and then ask if you'd pay for bringing them back!

That said, if you can afford to do it without putting yourself in a difficult financial situation then the needs of your child to get back to school should come first. But I'd be making it very clear it was a one-off. And I'd absolutely be making sure I was getting the maintenance from him too!

FishesThatFly · 23/10/2018 13:00

Funny how he didn't need to borrow money from you to come and collect them... only to bring them back again.

He knows you will want your child back so he's pulling the lead.

Get some self respect and stand up to him. Tell him that No you can't give him any money and the child will have to stay until he can bring her back.

BruegelTheElder · 23/10/2018 13:00

I have thought about going through CMS but he changes his job every few months so it would be pointless

I don't really understand this, either. Once you contact CMS, surely they deal with all the chasing? All you have to do is make a couple of phone calls and then they'll deal with it from then on. Whether he changes jobs or not is none of your concern. At the very least, them chasing him and demanding payment regularly will remind him what a useless prick he is and not let him just sit back and take advantage with no reprisal.

ravenmum · 23/10/2018 13:03

I'd probably phone his parents and tell them the situation, but I guess if that wasn't possible, I might pay 50 - "pay", not "lend", to be realistic. I'd also say that next time he came to get the kids he would have to pay a 100 pound deposit, which he'd get back on their return...

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/10/2018 13:04

You should say no. Worst case scenario, you go and retrieve your child and then you don't allow him to take thrm ahain intil he has reimbursed your costs.
And £100 for petrol? For a 250 mile trip? He really has seen you coming.
That money will be better spent on your child than on him!
If you pay this, then you really are a mug. And fgs call cms.

JacquesHammer · 23/10/2018 13:05

Pay half. Then he can bring your kids back and you don’t subsidise his travel the other way.

speakout · 23/10/2018 13:06

I'd go and collect your child.

Take a bus.

There are incredible cheap coach deals with companies such as National express.

Very cheap transport.

UpstartCrow · 23/10/2018 13:08

No don't pay him. Its the thin end of the wedge, you'll never get the money back.
Contact CMS and start the process for maintenance.

AvoidingDM · 23/10/2018 13:08

At most I'd offer £25.
Logically it costs £50 to get kids back - his return journey is not your problem.
The other mum can pay half of the £50.

Alternatively pay nothing.
He'll find the cash to get the kids back when he realises he needs the kids off his hands to get to work.

I'd also be wary of it becoming a regular thing to ask you for cash. Because your a mug and gave it to him in the first place.

Incidentally how old are kids, are they old enough to come home on the train together?

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