Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
TheWiseWomansFear · 25/10/2018 00:38

250 miles doesn't cost £100... what the fuck does he drive?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 25/10/2018 04:47

My ex has been unemployed since me and dd left him. He hasn’t ever paid a penny for her and frequently asks me to sub him the trainfare over, which he never pays back. It’s not much money so I do it but my dh gets really mad about it and doesn’t believe my ex can’t scrape 3 quid together to see his only child.

I’m not even sure dd likes seeing him much. Think I’ll stop subbing him after reading this thread.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 25/10/2018 04:49

PS - sorry OP, I think your ex is taking the piss. No way should he treat you differently to his other ex. Don’t give him the money.

jocarter67 · 25/10/2018 07:38

Just a thought, would he be nasty enough to say to the children something in the lines of “ mum doesn’t want you back because she won’t pay to get you home “ or something on those lines. Frankly I wouldn’t pay either but I would worry that their dad would pass the buck if you see what I mean. Also if he only has them in the school holidays and doesn’t pay maintenance then he needs to learn to put money by to save for this and other emergencies that the kids might have.

TooMuchTidying · 25/10/2018 07:45

I'm going to go against the grain and say good on you OP. You're putting your child first and protecting them from your ex's bad behaviour.

I think you're doing the right thing. Life isn't always fair, we just do what we can to make sure our kids are safe and happy.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/10/2018 08:30

I really wouldn't pay it OP. If you trust him with the children and know they would be OK there with him for the next couple of days.

Of all the people I'd call on for a loan, an ex would be the last one. Did he not realise he'd have to get them home? Has he no friends? Family? What's he going to tell his other ex? It sounds like she will threaten to stop contact if he doesn't return their child on time

Giving him the money will just show him you will bail him out, he won't need to budget or plan and he will be better off if he doesn't bother sorting his own shit out. If he paid maintenance I think it would be different but he is taking the piss and getting you to pay him to see his child and his other child.

I'd initially say you're really sorry but things are so tight at the moment you just don't have any spare cash (he should be able to relate to this as he doesn't have any apparently)

See what he says or does after this. I bet he will magically be able to get them home. If it looks like he can't or is going to be more than a day or two late then you can always change your mind and come up with some cash or book bus tickets for them

RandomMess · 25/10/2018 08:53

I'm sure if he didn't prioritise himself he'd have a money...

Does he drink/smoke/socialise/go on holiday?

Nothing to stop him a second job seeing as though he only has his DC for a few weeks each year!

RestingBitchFaced · 25/10/2018 08:59

Do not give him any money ever, even if you have it or he will keep asking you. It's not the end of the world if the kids miss a couple of days of school. I bet he will bring them back on time anyway, he's just trying his luck - cheeky fucker

Beagle840 · 25/10/2018 09:22

What a horrible situation. I also think he will find the money if you stick to your guns that you simply can't afford it. If he doesn't, a couple of days off school isn't ideal but not the end of the world and if your ex has to ring the school to explain that he took DC away without making sure he had sufficient funds to get them home, maybe he will feel embarrassed and learn something about consequences. Or maybe not.....

milkandcookie · 25/10/2018 09:31

CMS will look at earnings for the last 12 months when coming up with a figure, usually going of something like the P60 if he changes job it will be down to him to notify them.

I would get in touch with CMS and put something in place, the fact that he has moved so far away tells you how much he cares.

As a father im disappointed as to how often this is the case. I've turned down double my current income just to stay close to my DC's and his 250 miles away and still cant pay his way.

Ellyess · 25/10/2018 12:07

milkandcookie

It's so good to hear from a decent dad.
On gransnet (I'm on both!) we've been moaning about how men get the raw deal in this age of sometimes rather vociferous minority groups; see;
www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1253739-Double-standards?msgid=26914153#26914153.

It's men like this lazy scrounging parasite who really do give men a bad name. Sorry about the cliche and I am sorry if I sound patronising but your message and information, for me, is really important! Thanks.

Ellyess · 25/10/2018 12:13

MrsNacho. Just to add moral support
Please listen to everyone here.
Do not give in to him. He is manipulative, selfish and using you.\Notice how he doesn't do it to the other Ex?
He even pays her but not you - doesn't divide it between you!
He is taking you for granted, knows you can be bullied, knows you will give in.
If he doesn't bring the children back go ballistic - report to the school that he has them, to the Police that he has kidnapped them.
Make a stand. He will do this again and again if you give in!
Note what milkandcookie says;
"get in touch with CMS and put something in place, the fact that he has moved so far away tells you how much he cares.
Please stand up to him and do not give him any money!!!

milkandcookie · 25/10/2018 12:28

Ellyess

Men do get a bad press in this area of life, but unfortunately many deserve it.

I'm guessing the other woman is rather vociferous when she has gripes hence why its OP that is asked/told to pick up the slack.

Above anything its unhealthy for your DC the fact his putting you through this, i would seriously get onto CMS immediately, the only thing to bare in mind is you would be required to either drop or pick the child from his place (1 way each)

Shriekingbanshee · 25/10/2018 12:39

The right thing for him to have done is say up front, I really can't afford to have them, as I only have half the money I need for the trip, but he took them anyway, in the knowledge he wouldn't be bringing them back without a handout, knowing also you would be worried about them missing school. That makes him a pretty poor father and a manipulator who doesn't take responsibility.

Hold firm OP. This will all go on his record.

thismummydrinksgin · 25/10/2018 13:17

I think this is very much dependent on your real auto shop, feelings and past experiences with him. I think you should follow your instincts on this one x

Shriekingbanshee · 25/10/2018 14:57

real auto shop have you been drinking gin mummy

milkandcookie · 25/10/2018 15:10

just a thought, you can check online as to how much he is supposed to be paying in contributions, (if you know his earnings) and give him a heads up as to what is expected, this can be a final warning also.

That way there can be no issues further along, i'd tell one of his parents as well just so things dont turn nasty for you later.

Fowles94 · 25/10/2018 16:44

Without upsetting you, you are a mug and you need to sort him paying for the kids. You are being taken for a ride.

Original poster
MrsNacho · 25/10/2018 18:13

Well he has taken me up on my initial offer of half the money as a loan and he will be bringing them back on Saturday. Funny how it worked out in the end eh!

Thanks everyone, mumsnet can be so supportive even when it come to straight talking.

He wouldn't bad mouth me to the kids, he's not horrible, just useless with money and too used to being bailed out.

OP posts:
EvePolastriSorryBaby · 25/10/2018 18:28

....as a loan??

Update us when you get it back. I won't hold my breath.

Ginger1982 · 25/10/2018 18:30

Why have you given him any money? 🙄

PolkaDoting · 25/10/2018 18:32

I thought you weren’t going to give him anything?

Missingstreetlife · 25/10/2018 18:37

Tell him that's the last time and mean it. He could leave £50 emergency money with you or his mum for future incidents

Original poster
MrsNacho · 25/10/2018 18:41

I did update early on saying I had offered half which is what I had originally thought it was going to be.

I will come back Wednesday and update if I get it back.... fingers crossed.

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 25/10/2018 20:50

M....u.....g....