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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
MissedTheBoatAgain · 24/10/2018 08:39

But the mother of his other child manages to get money

Maybe it is informal arrangement and CMS are not involved?

However, still bad that he does not pay for all of his children.

OrdinarySnowflake · 24/10/2018 09:15

Have you heard from him?

Contact CMS and start a claim, you might end up with nothing, but you get nothing already.

It might also be worth contacting his other child's mother and explaining he's told you he can't afford to bring your dc back, has he said the same thing to her ? She might be still expecting her dc back this weekend.

Original poster
MrsNacho · 24/10/2018 10:59

@MrsReacher1 I work part time at 30 hours per week, I receive child benefit and help towards childcare.

He earns the same as me per hour but works full time.

I manage to support myself and my children. He can't even support himself. Why should I pay?

His as was receiving money from his wages, this pay on Wednesday will be the last payment from his previous job so she may well find herself without money from him come next month too.

I will ring CMS once I have DS back.

OP posts:
theworldistoosmall · 24/10/2018 12:42

I like how you are getting asked if you are getting everything you can so you can support this fool lol.
Every day is a learning day on here. Now it seems as single parents not only do we support our children with no financial help from deadbeats, but somehow we have to start considering their financial needs and supporting them haha.

HeckyPeck · 24/10/2018 12:53

Glad you said no OP and will be calling CMS.

Even if he is a job hopper it’s still worth them trying - it won’t cause you any difficulties and if you get something from it it’ll be more than you’re getting now.

Well done OP!

percheron67 · 24/10/2018 17:35

Hello OP. It does sound as though he is pushing his luck. I would be very tempted to refuse him. You sound like a kind soul and so you are getting the worst deal. So what if the other Mother plays up - he is counting on you not to!! I was far too soft with my ex and he took me for a complete ride. If I had known then what i know now about his underhand ways i would not have been so soft and would be far better off than is the case. Good Luck.

donajimena · 24/10/2018 17:54

Oh OP my friends ex is similarly hopeless. This might give you a 'laugh' Hmm they have 3 children. He wants residence of the youngest (just the one) when pressed as to why it transpired that if he had the child he could claim CB, HB WTC and.. he'd probably get a council flat. He also job hops so doesn't pay maintenance. But he told her it would be ok because the child could stay with her at weekends and while he was at work.. Confused

user1472151176 · 24/10/2018 18:00

You're in a horrible situation. I expect your child wants to see him and like you say you want to keep a good relationship. If you're confident he will return the money and you can afford to let him borrow £100 then I'd say do it but something should change and he should be contributing to your child's welfare and upbringing. At the end of the day your child is the priority and if he's a good dad then it's only like lending a friend the money.

Grrrrdarling · 24/10/2018 18:04

WOW! Did he not know he would be unable to get kids home when he picked them up? That’s really irresponsible! Your not responsible for his financial problems.
He works full time, you work part time & you probably have more expenses each month due to child living with you. I would categorically say no to lending him anything because by the sound of it you won’t see the money again & again he earns more than you!
If he wants to see his kids he needs to sort himself out & start prioritising them!

bluetissuepaper · 24/10/2018 18:05

Glad you said no to this OP. You sound brilliant and a lovely mum, you're definitely doing the right thing. Hope you get somewhere with CMS!

Missingstreetlife · 24/10/2018 18:11

Why are you keeping your child out of school because he can't get organised? What is the other mother saying? He can come on the coach, and yes he can't take the kids if he can't sort it out. You could arrange contact with grandma and he could see them there.

xx44 · 24/10/2018 18:11

Seen this sort of thing over the last few months. Dad sods off but will do everything for their children...if he could afford it

riceuten · 24/10/2018 18:12

I suspect the £100 "loan" (he's not going to pay it back if he doesn't pay you maintenance) has little or nothing to do with petrol

ToftyAC · 24/10/2018 18:13

He is an irresponsible arse and sorry OP but you are enabling him. CMS right away. And £100 seems a rather large amount.... I have a 2 litre people carrier and I can get 550 miles out of it for £60. He is taking the fucking piss.

browneyes77 · 24/10/2018 18:23

Well I was going to jump on and say don’t bloody give him the money! But I can see you’ve already had that advice and have decided to take it! So good for you.

If you’re not getting any money from him now then it’s not going to do you any harm going through CMS and at least you’ll have something more official showing that he owes the money and isn’t paying.

Is the other ex going through CMS? Just wondered if that’s how she’s getting money for her child? Or is she just a ‘sort your shit out or you won’t see your kid’ kinda gal?

I can see it’s hard because you want your child to have a relationship with her father and ensure his drama doesn’t impact her negatively. But at the same time you do need to take a tougher stance with him. I think contacting the CMS is the first step!

Ellyess · 24/10/2018 18:27

MrsNacho

This is blackmail, Do not give in.

Print out/show his message to your children's school together with your explanation of how he does not pay you but pays other ex.

Take this up with whoever arranged his access to the children explaining you cannot let them go unless he has enough money to return them in time for school, and unless he pays you what was agreed. Obviously show them his messages too.

Good luck. Please do not get drawn in to giving him money. He is a bad person. He is using you. He has to learn how to be responsible.

MsLexic · 24/10/2018 18:28

Gosh what an awful father! You poor soul. Definitely get on his case, that's terrible.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 24/10/2018 18:33

Hi OP I just wanted to tell you that I had a similar feckless father, did all these same things, and I went NC with him at about 14 years old when he went through my phone and started screaming at me for texting boys. The mask slips eventually. I tried again when I was about 19, just wanted to check I hadn’t made a mistake, and he was fine for a few months then a complete prick again.

Your child will realise eventually, and thank you for letting them work it out on their own. My mum is my best friend and I have such respect for the grace and patience she gave me!

jane251 · 24/10/2018 18:33

I would pay up very kindly and sweetly even if you are seething inside. That will throw him off his guard.Then hire a private detective (on a no information no fee basis) to find out what his real financial situation is.A friend did this, and discovered her "poor" ex husband had investments hidden everywhere, a big house in Wimbledon, a swimming pool membership at a private club etc etc..She was shocked!

ASMRtist · 24/10/2018 18:36

I get what you mean about not depriving your son of his dad, but you’ve got to make sure your ex doesn’t exploit that too.

Pay it, but make sure there are consequences I.e. CMS.

So lend him the money, give him TIL end Nov to pay it back. Then make sure he gets a Merry Xmas from CMS, and make sure he knows it due to this loan being the final straw.

However, don’t initiate CMS claim until he’s paid you back (or your estimated time frame is elapsed).

RudimentalPetal · 24/10/2018 18:36

What @singlenotsingle said

Ellyess · 24/10/2018 18:38

MrsNacho
Hello again, it says a lot, I think when you say:

"He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)"

Surely, if he is short - and that it questionable - he should split what he has evenly between his two children's mother's child-care needs? Why pay one of you and give the other nothing? It shows he is walking all over you. You have to get tougher. Don't be so worried about his child's relationship with him. If he is favouring his other child like this and is so irresponsible anyway, he is not the kind of person a child needs to be around. He has to earn his child's love and respect.

ASMRtist · 24/10/2018 18:38

Also, your son could feel second best if he finds out his dad pays for his sibling but not him. This way isn’t free from potential psychological harm for your child.

Alpacanorange · 24/10/2018 18:40

Jesus . 100 £ would take me near in 500 miles. He is a piss taker in more ways than 1

Feefeetrixabelle · 24/10/2018 18:42

Thing is op the other ex has already shown you that what she does works. She takes absolutely no shit off him and gets no shit from him. And he pays. Because she demands nothing less. I’d give her a ring and have a chat with her about how she gets him to toe the line.

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