To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

[MrsNacho]

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

[MaxTeyon]

I'd tell him to spend £100 on getting a garage to look at his car if he thinks it'll cost him that to drive it 250 miles!

No, he thinks it’ll cost him £100 to do 560 miles which is not exactly expensive.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You need to start doing exactly what the other mum does OP. It sounds like he complains about her being mean or difficult and you've ended up being the "nice one" to compensate somehow.

What she's doing is putting her child above her ex, not being walked over, getting the money he owes her and letting him know her limits. If she's able to get money off him, you can too!

There are no prizes for being nice. Start putting yourself and your child first. You owe your ex nothing. He owes you thousands and it's not too late to start getting it.

I'm glad you posted too. This is your turning point

[diddl]

Well I'd be intersted to know what he's said to his ex tbh as surely the implication is that he can't bring either child home?

So why wouldn't you be asking her what's happening?

[FishesThatFly]

That is what I am worried about, if I do it this time he will expect me to pay every time.

Well don't pay then!! It's hardly rocket science!!

[bershetmelon]

Well not really @MaxTeyon seen as the op should be in no way be funding her ex's fuel home as well. I find it incredibly cheeky he's even asked her to find it one way if I'm honest

[tickingthebox]

What about the £60 per child per day fine for unauthorised absence? Will be be paying that?

[MsJolly]

Definitely don't pay!

[MaxTeyon]

seen
FFS the word is SEEING. Seen means something completely different!

That’s what it’s going to cost him to drop them back, he’s hardly going to drop them back if he can’t get home himself. If he genuinely hasn’t got any money then he needs the full amount.

[bershetmelon]

Yes because my spelling and grammar are the point of this thread 🙄

[1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids]

@MaxTeyon - no chance that might have been an autocorrect fail at all, oh no.

If he genuinely hasn't got the money perhaps he should look at his other expenses, the way he arranges to see his children or some other aspect of his life instead of expecting the OP to fund him.

[MrsNacho]

@diddl he won't mention it to her unless he absolutely has to. He will have been expecting me to say yes, he won't think in a million years that I would refuse. So when I say no then he will look at other ways and eventually talk to his other ex of he genuinely can't do it.

[EvaTheOptimist]

If he is absolutely stony broke then what sort of fun half-term are they having? I know there is lots you can do for free... but... lots that they MIGHT want to do requires some cash here and there.

And even if they eat every meal at home their food will be costing something, so grandma is paying for that is she - well it sounds like he'd better ask her for the petrol.

Maybe he should bring them home early so they can save on the food bill, if everything is so much to the absolute wire financially.

[BewareOfDragons]

What about the £60 per child per day fine for unauthorised absence? Will be be paying that?

Oooh, yes. I'd calmly point that out to him, too. Tell him, no, of course you're not going to fund his transport, it's the only 'contribution' he makes in your child's life, which frankly isn't good enough. And that if your child isn't back in school on time because he can't sort it out, it will be classed as an unauthorised absence, and you will expect him to pay the full fine.

[MrsNacho]

He is working any way so they are with nan during the day and him in the evenings. She will be taking them for walks on the beach, baking, crafts. I am not worried about that, they enjoy going there.

[MinorRSole]

Well exactly. This used to drive me mad about my ex, used to get me to put his name on presents I bought because he hadn't budgeted for them!
Same applies here, he knew he was having his children, didn't budget, pays for one and not the other. What a pathetic way to behave.

Definitely get the csa on to him, your child shouldn't be missing out because of him. I know you will make sure they don't but that isn't really the point.

[Inertia]

I'd tell him that you don't have the money so can't pay.

I would also make it clear that you will be contacting the school to report that he has not returned them as agreed, so any fines for unauthorised absence need to be paid by him.

Start going through CMS as well. There's no good relationship to maintain here.

[AdoreTheBeach]

Hi OP. Just wondering if you’ve messaged your EX yet, and if so, his reply.

[Sabulous]

Echoing what a lot of people have said on here, I would call his bluff and say you can't afford it.
It sounds highly unlikely that he will tell his other ex that he is unable to bring her child back as he's too skint. If he can bring one back he can bring both back.
He really does sound like he's trying it on.

[MrsNacho]

I just said I can't find £100 sorry and I an happy for him to keep DS until Tuesday night if it helps.

He said he will see what happens.

[Jux]

By giving him money you are depriving your child and yourself of other things, including the ability to save against rainy days. What if your boiler borke down tomorrow? 100 wouldn't cover it, but it would be a good lump towards it.

Don't pay.

Contact the other mum and find out how she gets money from him regularly. Moving house, changing jobs, hasn't stopped him paying her apparently, so why is it stopping him paying you?

He will have to bring the children home sometime and the longer he keeps them, the more it will cost him in food at least. He could borrow the money from his mum, for one thing, so let him. You do not have to make up for his purported empty wallet (bet it 8sn't really, anyway).

[Nelumbo]

Sounds alot like my ex. Doesn't pay child maintenance and can't organise his life. Can never afford to take them anywhere can't turn up on time etc. There always seems to be some problem.

To be honest I just want an easy life and gave up on trying to get help with money. It wasn't worth the stress, anger and tension it caused. It does seem a bit off that he can pay for his other child though?

Recently though I've had to lend him my car as he didn't have one to be able to look after them. I was working and have no other childcare so had no choice. He did also recently ask me for money and I refused until he was begging me for it.
Its a very hard situation to be in.
And no it's not as simple as saying you can't see the kids until you sort your shit out. The kids want to see him I will not be the one to withhold that from them. Yes he takes the piss and comes and goes when he pleases and don't help financially but they have a fairly good relationship with him and that's important. They can see for themselves how unreliable he is and will form their own opinions of him, I'm not going to slag him off to them and I try and avoid huge bust ups. So I just leave him to carry on in his chaotic life and try and distance my self as much as possible.

I'm really not sure what id do in your situation possibly contact the other ex and see if she has been approached for money?

[AvoidingDM]

Nothing will happen you've called his bluff.
Well done!

[Move2WY]

A 250 mule journey wouldn’t be anywhere near £100 in petrol

[catmum94]

If it was me I wouldn't pay the money and I would say that since he can't be trusted to return his children on time (irresponsible) from now on he has to see his children near where you live and stay with someone

[MrsNacho]

@Nelumbo he sounds exactly the same. It's so difficult isn't it! Trying to do what you think is best for your children whilst trying not to be drawn in to supporting another adult who is only responsible for themselves!