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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2018 13:52

This is Tuesday, they're back to school Monday, yes? I'd tell him he's got 5 days to find the money. I'd tell him to pawn his game console, TV, sports equipment, watch or whatever for the gas money, then redeem it on payday.

What I wouldn't do would be to give him the money because not only will you never see it again, you will be setting the precedent that you'll pay for (at least) the return journey.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 23/10/2018 13:53

I'd be minded to reply "haha lol" because he has to return his other child, doesn't he. So he's going to do the journey anyway because his non-mug other ex will have his guts for garters if he doesn't. He doesn't want to keep the two children until he gets paid, does he? He just wants money because he thinks he deserves it and he thinks you are an easy target.

RomanyRoots · 23/10/2018 13:56

How would he get the other child back if you picked yours up.

Stop being a mug, collect your own child and get maintenance sorted asap.
I wouldn't be allowing further contact until he can prove he can manage the pick up and drop offs.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2018 13:58

Those saying not to let DC go again, that's not an option. That would be punishing DS for having a feckless father

he can stay at a friends until Wednesday

If he has a friend nearby he can stay with, then why would DS miss out? He can come to town, stay with this friend and see his children then. Lots of parents who move away from their children do this or stay in hotels.

If nothing else I'd tell him "If you are going to have trouble with fuel costs, you're just going to have to stay with XXX in town and see DS that way. I cannot let you take him 200 + miles away and not know for sure if you will be able to return him".

CantWaitToRetire · 23/10/2018 13:58

Do you have contact details for the other mum, or can you find a way to contact her to see if he's said anything to her about not being able to afford the trip back?

Hissy · 23/10/2018 13:59

When is he due to bring them back?

I agree, you have leverage in the other ex...

RomanyRoots · 23/10/2018 14:02

I'm sorry but why would you want them to have a relationship with him, he's feckless.
I'd be right annoyed with my mum if she'd covered for an arse hole of a dad throughout my childhood. I'd feel betrayed tbh.

Just a thought to your statement of Those saying not to let DC go again, that's not an option. That would be punishing DS for having a feckless father

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2018 14:14

He's claiming poverty but he'd have to feed them for the extra days he's threatening to keep them.

And as if he's going to risk the stat of his new job by having to source and pay for childcare on those days.

This isn't your problem. Don't give him £100, £50 or £25. As soon as you start paying him to see his child you're highlighting that you have no backbone at all and he'll take the piss, more and more each time, for the next 10 years.

What if he couldn't afford to feed them, would you give him the money? What if he was late on his rent, would you lend it to him?

He's a grown man with a job fgs. He needs to stand on his two perfectly capable feet.

BewareOfDragons · 23/10/2018 14:18

Tell him he can deduct it just this once from the child support he pays to you... oh wait ...

He doesn't even pay child support.

Point that out to him.

And tell him no. No to ANY help with petrol costs: he works full time, he moved away, he doesn't support his own children, the least he can do is sort out his own transport issues.

You work part time and have ALL the childcare costs on you.

Tell him to sell something or get it off his mum. And that you're contacting CMS at this point because of his cheeky fuckery.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/10/2018 14:28

I don't know if this is even possible, but could you book one-way megabus tickets for him and the kids, which he would pick up at the bus station?
It might be less galling as well as cheaper for you. How he gets home is not your problem.

Jlynhope · 23/10/2018 14:34

He can ask his parents for money then. Tell him you don't have extra and that's that. He'll no doubt figure another way out.

Polly2345 · 23/10/2018 14:37

Don't give him any money. If he can't get them back until Wednesdat he has to call the school and explain their absence. He also has to feed, entertain and look after them for the extra days they're with him. Presumably if he can't afford petrol he also can't afford childcare, so how is he going to go to work on Monday and Tuesday if they're still with him? If you don't give him the money he may well find it from somewhere else rather than deal with the inconvenience of having them for longer.

MrsVietor · 23/10/2018 14:40

He's a massive bullshitter. Tell him to keep both kids until he can afford to bring them back - a week of feeding and entertaining them will set him back considerably more than £100.

You sound lovely; don't be a mug for him any more!

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 23/10/2018 14:41

AnneLovesGilbert

He's claiming poverty but he'd have to feed them for the extra days he's threatening to keep them.

This. He is taking you for a mug. Don’t let him.

bigKiteFlying · 23/10/2018 14:44

I knew I was being a mug but honestly didn't think not paying it was an option.

Is it an option to pick your child up - or have someone else do it ? I'd want my child back but wouldn't want to pay and I would be going to CSA.

He has to get the other child back - so he must have some back up plan not just expect you to fund it - so hold back on paying anything till absolute last minute to see if he'll come up with something.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 23/10/2018 14:45

Get kids back here in time for school on Monday or I'll be talking to cms about maintenance and you'll be seeing them at the contact centre.

I would not be paying him a penny or taking that kind of shit from a grown arse man playing daddy.

bigKiteFlying · 23/10/2018 14:45

PP are right childcare and food aren't free - so he must have some plan.

Fiveletters · 23/10/2018 14:49

I’d say no. See what he does next. You can always offer the £25 if he definitely has no other option. But let him try and find one first.

Vixxxy · 23/10/2018 14:58

I would say no. Not even with waffly excuses of why no, just no. I am sure he will find a way, and he is just taking the piss. Doesn't sound responsible enough to be taking the kids so far away to be quite honest. He knew that he would need to bring them back before he took them. If he was genuinely strapped for cash, he should have said before actually taking them.

We had a similar issue last week actually. DSD moved in with us recently due to huge issues with her mother, but she wanted to stay at her mums last week which was obviously fine. Her mother lives maybe 10 mins drive from the school where we live quite a bit further away. At 9pm, no contact before this, the mother suddenly rings and says she cannot get the kids to school the next day as she doesn't have bus fare for them (2 DSSs live with her through the week..she did not even apparently have cash for them to get in). Wanted us to put 40 quid in her bank, for a trip that costs a quid each. Said kids would not get to school otherwise. Came out with a load of crap about how the cashpoint was only allowing people to take out money in lots of 40, so even us putting a tenner in would be no good, etc. Not sure how she thought we would fall for it but she did.

Long story short, what it turned out the actual issue was was that she wanted to go out and get pissed with her mates and was skint, so she wanted us to pay for her night out.

Sounds like this guy is trying it on in a similar way and using the kids as leverage.

Eliza9917 · 23/10/2018 15:07

If you are going to give (that's what it is, he won't pay it back) half the journey, say you'll only give half again and the other mother can give the other half to get her kid back. She actually gets money off him, you don't.

Wildheartsease · 23/10/2018 15:07

It might seem the best idea to pay this time but as is pointed out above, you are setting yourself up for more of this.

Are you prepared to pay the petrol every time? (It is likely to start as a loan - become a gift and end up as an obligation.)

Missing two days of school isn't ideal but it isn't too awful. Becoming his purse might be more of a problem for you all.

Original poster
MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 15:19

I am so glad I starts the thread because I was just going to hand the money over.

He has his mum for childcare and presumably feeding the kids while they are down there so keeping them wouldn't be a problem for him. He wouldn't dare suggest that to his other ex though.

I can contact his other ex as I still have a lot of contact with his other child independent of him (she is my child's sibling after all). I just wouldn't want to cause issues between those two. She would and has stopped contact before so I wouldn't want to stir that up, he can tell her himself if he genuinely can't bring them home.

OP posts:
bershetmelon · 23/10/2018 15:23

I'd tell him to spend £100 on getting a garage to look at his car if he thinks it'll cost him that to drive it 250 miles!

Don't give him the money op he's trying it on, missing 2 days of school isn't going to be the be all and end all.

Casually drop into conversation how much more careful he's going to have to be with money when he starts paying you maintenance as well, then enjoy the look on his face!

Mitzimaybe · 23/10/2018 15:31

I agree with most other posters: Don't pay a penny. He is absolutely taking you for a mug. He doesn't contribute anything towards your child (even food while she's with him, by the sounds of it) so there's absolutely no way you should be paying to get her back. You don't have to say why, or apologise, or anything. As the Mumsnet saying goes, "No is a complete sentence." Tell him if he doesn't bring her back as agreed then he'll have to arrange a contact centre for his next access visit as he can't be trusted.

If you pay this time, you'll be expected to pay every time from now on because, as you say, there's always something that crops up, some reason why he has no cash right now - but he never does.

Sweetheart · 23/10/2018 15:34

Agree with other here that you should say no - I bet faced with a couple of extra days of childcare and associated costs - plus not getting paid for work he will find a way to work things out for himself.

I'd also be saying to him that if the child isn't back for school you will be passing on his details for the fine for unauthorised leave.

I'm pretty sure the prospect of this costing much more than the fuel to get the kids home will spur him into action.