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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/10/2018 13:10

Do not pay, he'll either tap off someone else, or learn to stop sponging off you. Seriously, don't.

PumpkinSpiceAmericanoNoSugar · 23/10/2018 13:10

Ignore the request, he's unlikely to want to keep the two children and have to juggle childcare with his work so he'll find a way to return them.

MaruMaru · 23/10/2018 13:10

No, I wouldn't. I'm feeling very indignant on your behalf...It's an outrageous request and you probably won't get your money back. He doesn't pay you maintenance- also outrageous- but in his eyes you have just accepted it, so he'll push things a bit further and further until you say no.
Can't he ask his parent? Does he actually really need the money? Or does he see you as a soft touch. How will he manage next time? He needs to grow up, sort himself out and learn to prioritise and budget.

carr1e1977 · 23/10/2018 13:12

He is taking the piss and like others have said, he should definitely be paying maintenance. Say you are not willing to pay that and he needs to figure out how to get your kids back to you. His problem, not yours. Money grabbing git!

Original poster
MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 13:13

I think I am going to have to call the CMS and see what happens with that.

As for the journey I think I will call his bluff, offer half the money that will get the kids home and he can stay at a friends until Wednesday when he gets paid or find the money to get himself home, or he can bring them back on wednesday.

Those saying not to let DC go again, that's not an option. That would be punishing DS for having a feckless father, it was my choice to have a kid with him; I wouldn't let DS miss out on his dad, even if that does make me a mug.

OP posts:
Andthentherewere5 · 23/10/2018 13:15

If you pay this time it will set a precedent for all the other times the children stay with him. I’m another saying claim through the CMS. If you get nothing you are no worse off but I bet you will and it sends a message. He is playing you for a fool.

PainSnail · 23/10/2018 13:16

What would happen if you said no? Would he find the money elsewhere or would he refuse to return your dc? Because if it's the latter, that feels a lot like a ransom...

Bluesmartiesarebest · 23/10/2018 13:18

I’m another one who says say no to this request. Tell him that you don’t have £100 so your child will have to stay there until he gets paid on Wednesday.

Original poster
MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 13:19

That is what I am worried about, if I do it this time he will expect me to pay every time.

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 23/10/2018 13:19

Don't pay. He's either asking just you and not the other mum because he thinks you're a mug, or he might even be asking both you and her for £100 each. I imagine the other mum will be screaming if he doesn't return her child as he obviously respects/fears her enough to pay her CMS - you need to channel some of that attitude that it's not your job to be his safety net.

Frankswife87 · 23/10/2018 13:28

Pay the fuel to get your child home, get child maintenance set up! Sorted , bollocks to him 😊

AdoreTheBeach · 23/10/2018 13:28

OP, I totally understand your thought process about not having your DC miss out on seeing his father, however, you’re now being asked to fund that. Perhaps in future let EX see DC in your area only. If Ex has mates to stay with, can take DC out for the day. Unless Ex has funds to pay for travel (both ways). As others have pointed out, could very well become a precedent.

ForTheTimeBeing · 23/10/2018 13:33

Absolutely don't pay. He'll suddenly find the money to take the DC home.

7yo7yo · 23/10/2018 13:34

Why would you pay and why would you not go through CSA???

MoltenLasagne · 23/10/2018 13:35

How old is your child? If they're old enough to get the train I'd be tempted to insist on rail tickets from now on, and you'll fund half the journey.

AnotherCareerThread · 23/10/2018 13:37

Do not pay
It speaks volumes that he asks you and not his other ex. And that he pays his other ex but not you.

You're the easy bet. Don't be.

Raglansleeve · 23/10/2018 13:38

Don't give him the £. Just tell him you don't have it, because, you know, you're working part time and looking after your child 95% of the time. Oh, and he's not paying any maintenance.

I bet you £1 he'll find some funds somewhere if the alternative is keeping the DC for longer..........

jojo2232 · 23/10/2018 13:40

If I were you, I'd pay it, but that's because I always like to take the option with least fuss... even if it's causing a fuss for me!

But I think the other's are right, it will just happen again and again...
Put your foot down!

Original poster
MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 13:42

The dc are 10 and 7, the journey is multiple changes so they can't go by rail alone.

I think I have been a soft touch for too long and that's why he has come to me.

He was probably planning it as he knows I get paid this week. Unfortunately all my direct debits also go out this week....

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 23/10/2018 13:46

I would pay just to get the kids home without any drama. However, I'd make it crystal clear that he doesn't get them again until he's paid back the loan. Otherwise, you'll just find this hundred pounds rolls into 200 into 300 and he'll come to expect you to routinely pay for his travel costs. Oh and tell him he's a feckless dick.

AvoidingDM · 23/10/2018 13:46

In that case the simple answer is "No Sorry I don't have the money".

Don't give him the impression that you have spare cash and another reason not to pay you maintenance.

Just don't be taken for a mug!

jojo2232 · 23/10/2018 13:47

He's 100% testing the waters.

Whilst it's not for you to stand in the way of their relationship, it's also not for you to fund their relationship.

He wanted to move away so he can fund those journeys and he can pay maintenance! If you can bring up your child whilst working part time, he can afford maintenance whilst working full time!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/10/2018 13:47

Don’t do it.

Tell him you don’t have it to spare.

He will get it from his parents or friends because he won’t not bring them back. Especially if he’s wary of the other mum.

Rhiannon13 · 23/10/2018 13:47

He not only wants you to pay for him to bring the kids back, but he also wants you to pay for him to get home again? As well as not paying maintenance??

Just no OP. Put your foot down and tell him you expect to have the children back on the day arranged (they should absolutely NOT be made to miss school due to his bad behaviour).

Also, I'd suggest he needs to buy a new car if he can't afford to run the one he's got.

Miggeldy · 23/10/2018 13:48

I wouldn't give him any money. At all.
He can sort it himself.

He'll send the child back no worries, because this utter heel won't want to entertain kids for a moment longer than necessary.
You need to start legal proceedings to get maintenance from this loser.