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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am a mug but pay this anyway...

284 replies

MrsNacho · 23/10/2018 12:27

Exp moved 250 miles away, not as soon as we split up but 2 years after. He comes up in the school holidays and collects his children, one with me, one from a previous relationship, has them for a week and brings them back.

He had just text me and said he hasn't the money to bring them home so can I lend him £100 for fuel.

He works full time, I work part time. He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

He does all of the journeys but it was his choice to move away. His parent moved and he followed them, he had a job etc in our area.

So AIBU to think I am a mug but really I have no choice but to give him the money. They are back to school on Monday and he doesn't get paid till Wednesday.

More of a rant really but so frustrated!

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 23/10/2018 18:44

I just said I can't find £100 sorry and I an happy for him to keep DS until Tuesday night if it helps. He said he will see what happens

Good for you OP!! Hope you feel good about standing up for yourself and your child Star

TedAndLola · 23/10/2018 18:46

Watch him magically find the money now you've said no...

Leeds2 · 23/10/2018 18:47

Well Done, OP! And if your DS has to have one or two days off school if OH keeps him until Tuesday, I would make sure that he knows he has to phone the school and explain why.

starzig · 23/10/2018 18:50

Give him 40. That should be enough for 250 miles. He can pay to get himself back.

Singlenotsingle · 23/10/2018 19:13

Noooo! Don't give him anything, the weasel! We're all betting the DC will turn up on Sunday!

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2018 19:24

Good reply! Just out of curiosity, if he does try to touch the other ex for the money would she get in touch with you to see if he'd contacted you about it first?

EleanorShellstropper · 23/10/2018 19:45

Well done for standing up for yourself. What a total arse, expecting you to pay for his travel when you don't even get any maintenance for your son.

I'm interested in what his reply will be....

Nelumbo · 23/10/2018 20:24

I know MrsNacho its hard bloody work. Ive been dealing with it for over 3 and a half years, you'd think he would of sorted himself out by now.

I've spent years arguing with him about numerous things like money, having the kids more, even just asking him to see them in a bit more of a routine (at the moment we don't know when he'll be round next, but he does seem them fairly regularly ) none of it makes a difference and he'll probably never change.
I'm trying at the moment to not get too stressed about it all anymore, its wasted energy, at the end of the day he is the one losing out on doing more with his children.

I agree that you need to stand firm, but sometimes I also think its not worth the stress.
I know you have no worries with your child being there, but if it were me and my situation I'd just want them back with me even if I had to lend money to do that.

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 23/10/2018 20:50

Don't pay! He can call the school to explain. He'll soon find a way to come up with the money.
Or he could book a coach or train, whatever is cheaper.

HippoLatte · 23/10/2018 21:00

You did the right thing, I'm sure he'll find a way now.

Inertia · 23/10/2018 21:04

Not sure about saying you're happy for him to keep DS- I would want to send a message reinforcing that he doesn't have authorisation to be off school, so that you've got a message trail if they do impose a fine.

And don't rely on him to phone school either. If he's going to play silly buggers, it's worth your while to be able to demonstrate that you've done what you can to get your son into school but you can't legislate for a co-parent who won' t work with you. In your shoes, I'd call them on Monday.

Ellisandra · 23/10/2018 21:10

Oh well done for saying no!!
He was just scamming you.
They’ll be back on time. Even if he wanted to hang on to your two to make a point, his other ex would give him merry hell!
He’s most likely just trying to get you to pay, but on the offchance he actually is skint, he can ask his mum.
What an arsehole!

Lookatyourwatchnow · 23/10/2018 21:28

He's a fucking liar. Don't ever give him anything. He is their parent too so he will just have to find ways to manage even though he's lying about the money when he has his children, like you have to when you have them ALL week, paying for EVERYTHING for them whilst receiving NO maintenance!

MrsReacher1 · 23/10/2018 21:31

I would pay.
Is he supporting just himself on his wage?
Are you getting benefits to cover your needs, (part time work + Tax credits, Child Benefit and maybe some Housing Benefit?)
Could you afford it?
What do you think is best for the children - now and long-term?

7yo7yo · 23/10/2018 22:16

WTF Would op pay it?
He’s a grown ass man whose earning but pays no child maintenance!
HE made the choice to move 250 miles away. Why should she pay??

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 23/10/2018 23:30

One of the best things you can do for your children is to show them that you respect your self.

Well done for teaching your child that you won't be walked over OP.

klondike555 · 24/10/2018 01:43

He doesn't pay maintenance (something always comes up which means he can't afford it that month. He pays for his other child)

If the other mother can get the money out of him, you can too. As per your follow up posts, she has obviously set boundaries in place. You need to as well.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/10/2018 02:12

"No, sorry"

Which is what his other ex says and why he doesnt ask her.

Jlynhope · 24/10/2018 03:23

I'm so impressed you told him no!! That is awesome. I have no doubt he will figure something out, it's good you stood up for yourself.

MyOtherProfile · 24/10/2018 03:36

What a cheek! Did you call CSA?

MissedTheBoatAgain · 24/10/2018 03:47

To OP

If you Ex is a Job hopper then it will be difficult for CMS to arrange deduction from earnings order as he is a constantly moving target.

Hope you have claimed all your entitlements; Child Benefit, Child Tax Credits, Working Tax Credits, Childcare help.

theworldistoosmall · 24/10/2018 04:11

You aren't responsible for this feckless fool. If he stopped leaving jobs every couple of months then he would be financially secure. He needs to stop being a feckless fool and grow up. Good for you for saying no, and continue to say no and put in a claim. That's not your concern that he changes job. He has children that he needs to man up for, imagine if you also had the same attitude of this person.

Godowneasy · 24/10/2018 08:18

So, your ex lives at home with his parents, works full time, pays nothing for one of his children and can't even afford the petrol to get the kids home at the end of the week?

He's hving a larf! He needs to grow up.

I wonder whether he thinks he's saving you money this week by you not having your ds to feed and entertain etc and is trying to see if he can in effect, charge you for having DS?

And why isn't he taking annual leave to be with his kids while they're there?

diddl · 24/10/2018 08:26

"If you Ex is a Job hopper then it will be difficult for CMS to arrange deduction from earnings order as he is a constantly moving target."

But the mother of his other child manages to get money.

Also, Op gets nothing now, so there's nothing to lose by trying!

MsTSwift · 24/10/2018 08:35

What a deadbeat loser. How does he look in the mirror? Had he no shame?