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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 13:30

If I couldn't get hold of my parents (before mobile phones) then no, I didn't bring someone back. The chances are that I would have gone to my friends house.
Do you not see how restrictive that was. You were basically conditioned to feel like if you hadn't asked then you couldn't have anyone over. Life is spontaneous especially when you are 17 and nobody should feel like they cannot invite their friend in for a coffee or to watch a film unless they have asked permission.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 13:30

abacucat

We don't agree because we have different views. I'm not saying your view is wrong it's just not what I believe or how I would act. Times are very different today. I have children of my own and they will be treated the same as I was when I was younger. I also have the added benefit that my husband is on the same page.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 13:34

I don't feel I had a restrictive childhood in any way. I have wonderful memories. I also have an amazing relationship with my parents. I had friends whose parents couldn't care less what they got up to. Could come and go as they pleased. Some of their lives turned out a mess and I know for a fact they felt that their parents didn't care enough.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 13:39

Some of their lives turned out a mess and I know for a fact they felt that their parents didn't care enough.

It doesn't have to be one way or the other though. As a previous poster said you don't grow up over night. Allowing a 17 year old autonomy to make decisions e.g. inviting a friend over to watch a film will prepare them far better for their future lives than imposing needless rules which show no differentiation between a 7 year old and a 17 year old.

The Op is cross because she knows her daughter had this friend over. She asked a loaded question and when her daughter responded and didn't indicate he had visited she jumped to the conclusion she should confront her or keep a closer eye on what she gets up to.

That's not a good way to parent someone who is 17 years old.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 13:40

But people’s lives can turn out to be messes whose parents cared hugely. Once you’re an adult you’re on your own and make your own choices. Controlling your children’s lives doesn’t mean you care about them - it’s more of a character trait than an expression of love.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 13:40

Regard this my house,my rules nonsense
I went to a colleagues house for meal,they requested each guest say grace. A lord we give thanks for the food you provide etc from each person.I didn’t ,i don’t say grace or prayer at home and I’m not observant of any faith. so it would have been wholly unnatural for me to do so. I was not only person to decline to say grace or a prayer
So in this case my house my rules wasn’t applicable

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 13:41

I have children of my own and they will be treated the same as I was when I was younger.

But why wouldn’t you move with the current times rather than look back to a past that was restrictive even for those times?

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 13:46

Move with the current times??

I probably would if I believed that things have improved. They haven't.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 23/10/2018 13:46

@Ignoramusgiganticus - interesting. Genuine q - I totally get your sentiment, but what if you knew your child had lied to you? Not just 'didn't tell you something' but actually deliberately lied?

I would express extreme disappointment but TBH by the age of 17, if you haven't instilled honesty in them then it's too late.
From an early age I gave harsh consequences for lying rather than the actual act. If they told the truth they got off more lightly. I'm sure my kids aren't angels and can't say they have never lied to me, but I can't recall a time I've caught them out. Respect goes both ways IMO.

In this case If the DD wanted privacy then it's easier to avoid the truth and if she felt she couldn't tell the exact truth then thats through a lack of respect for her privacy from her Mum. It's a grey area but I think the lack of respect for privacy probably counterbalances the lack of respect for telling the absolute truth.

diddl · 23/10/2018 13:49

Well it seems clear that she didn't tell you because you'd start on about them being "more than frinds".

Not sure why you would have even asked that in the first place tbh.

RomanyRoots · 23/10/2018 13:50

There's no right and wrong, you do what you think is right for your family like everyone else does.
I'm quite old fashioned as were my parents.
My older dc when asked didn't feel hard done to, or that they missed out by us not encouraging them to have sex as teens.
Like a pp they are glad we had boundaries in place and the eldest happy he got to 27 and a good career before having children.
Middle one is 23 and didn't have a gf over until about age 20, they had been together for a year before we agreed.
dd is 14 and has no intention of ever settling down and having kids. Grin

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 13:51

When I was a kid there was no WhatsApp,snapchat,email,internet,or mobile phones
My parents had no way to contact me or others when out of the house
Going on a journey involved a map and guesswork,no gps to direct to location
Going shopping was a leap of faith,you hoped but didn’t know if your size was in stock
Shall I revert back to that,because it’s is it was in my day?seems a bit daft
Nowadays with tech many things are easier,more convenient and it’s changed parenting

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 13:51

Current times being mobile phone communication and being a bit more relaxed.

The idea that if I couldn’t get hold of my parents to phone ahead to check if it was ok to bring a friend back would mean I’d have to go to a friend’s house is really peculiar.

Mobiles + flexiblity is definitely an improvement no?

Or are you just very conservative and on the run from the 20c like Jacob Rees Mogg?

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 13:52

To Chocolaterainbows ^^

RomanyRoots · 23/10/2018 13:52

It's nothing to do with moving with the times I'm 52 and there were teens having sex with bf's staying over when I was younger.
You don't have to have these standards and morals, you are allowed to have your own as parents Grin
You don't have to be sheep, cool, parents, you know.

hellojim · 23/10/2018 13:57

haha, she tells you everything. You are very naive. She has always told you what she wants to share with you. She's not your mate to share everything. There will be loads that she hasn't shared with you, about you for starters. A bit harsh as are lots of other comments.
We don't know the girl, the OP or what their home situation is like. There could be a very good reason why she would want to be kept up to date on what's going on in her home or she might just be a bit sad that she and her DD aren't as close as they once were. That's her right and I don't know why people need to belittle her parenting style - we are all on a learning curve when it comes to our kids and should be able to come onto AIBU for a bit a advice without being ripped to pieces.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 13:57

I’m not talking to you RR.

The idea that you can’t bring a friend over if you can’t get hold of your parents is very much from an age where there were no mobiles and parents were more authoritarian and formal.

I’ve seen no evidence that authoritarian and formal parenting is more effective than any other kind, and plenty to suggest the opposite.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 13:58

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Somethings have improved with technology others not so much.

I can still get lost using the GPS although online food shopping is awesome. It's great having Facebook, wattsapp etc, but my life doesn't depend on it. To be honest I find alot of it boring.

I feel sorry for children if they are being bullied as it can now follow them home (Facebook etc. Slightly off topic).

But parenting hasn't necessarily improved with technology, it's become lazier.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 13:59

And tbh some parents are just very socially awkward and uptight and find it hard to deal with people in their house - that is generally more the issue than parenting philosophy.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 14:04

Technology is bad or inherently lazy
Technology as a medium is influenced by its user
Internet Deliveries have been a game changer.no traipsing around aimlessly in hope item is stocked
I use it to schedule play dates,remain contactable when out of the office

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 14:05

TatianaLarina

Not sure whether that was aimed at me or not, apologies if not.

I am neither uptight or socially awkward. We regularly have friends and family over and the children can have friends over as often as they like.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 14:06

Technology is not bad or inherently lazy . People can be bad & lazy
Technology as a medium is influenced by its user
Internet Deliveries have been a game changer.no traipsing around aimlessly in hope item is stocked
I use it to schedule play dates,remain contactable when out of the office

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:06

You don't have to have these standards and morals, you are allowed to have your own as parents

Forbidding a bf/gf to stay over until they have been together a year is not a standard or a moral it’s just an arbitrary restriction.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 14:09

Forbidding a bf/gf to stay over until they have been together a year is not a standard or a moral it’s just an arbitrary restriction.

But that is the parents choice and if the child/young adult doesn't like it or agree then they are free to fund their own home where they can do what they like.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:09

We regularly have friends and family over and the children can have friends over as often as they like.

You didn’t answer the question.

Apparently your children can have friends over if they get hold of you but if they can’t they have to go somewhere else, right?

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