To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

[bubblegirl67]

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

Also most young women have meet ups with boyfriends where there is a lot of snogging and touching before they meet up to have sex.

I can't imagine at 17 years old having to ask my parents to have a friend over.

But that is the point. I didn't have to ask. My parents gave me space to make my own choices and decisions, but it was their home, with their possessions, their home that had taken years of working hard to pay for and took pride in. There is no way I would just invite people over willy nilly.

So you did have to ask surely?
I just invited friends over.

However good your relationship there is no way your teenager tells you everything. In fact I'd go so far as to say that "having a good relationship" implies an acceptance that your teen does not tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Tbh i am struggling to understand why anyone would object to a 17 year old inviting a friend to see her in her own home unless they were doing something illegal or that resulted in damage to other people's property.

@chocolaterainbows - I agree. I never had a curfew, had to once be told 'don't smoke' etc...the main rule was 'don't ever lie' when I was growing up. Because I was open and trustworthy, I didn't have to ask to do lots of things either. Friends were often amazed at how liberal my parents actually were, in the bigger picture.

Tbh i am struggling to understand why anyone would object to a 17 year old inviting a friend to see her in her own home - but are they? I think people are taking issue with the DD lying about having someone over rather than the fact of having a friend over.

I would have thought that one of the ways to help DD to avoid an unplanned pregnancy would be to make sure that DD and any BF were somewhere they could be comfortable. Force them out to get together somewhere uncomfortable/rushed then accidents are more likely to happen.

It seems bizarre that she has to ask! I can’t imagine my phone would ever have stopped ringing with my 6!

And no point did my parents demand that I ask them to have friends over. I simply said x will be coming over today so we can watch a movie or listen to music. If for some reason it was a problem my parents would have told me.

For the record, I was 17 in 2004...and the OP's daughter's behaviour would have had me in for a bollocking

I was 17 in 1984 and my friends and I often spent time at each other's houses during school holidays; it's just what teenagers do and none of our parents would have needed full disclosure of which friends we had seen that day.

There is no way I would just invite people over willy nilly.
*But that is the point. I didn't have to ask.

These 2 sentences are the complete opposite of each other?

The fact a 17 year old cannot be trusted to have a friend over and watch films without the suspicion that it was more than that is a sign that the OP does not trust her to make good decisions.

ThunderInMyHeart

My parents always told me that the worst thing I could do to them was lie.

I don’t like all this aggressive “my house my rules” power play. A 17 year old in education doesn’t have many options about where to live so wielding power over a near adult using this as leverage seems off to me.

chocolaterainbows And if your parents were at work as in the OP and you were out with a friend, did you never spontaneously say - oh come back to mine for a coffee/listen to music, etc?
I certainly did not at 17, and still don't plan ahead exactly what I am going to do all during the day and every aspect of my social life.

I would like to start by saying that there is no prof that dd and boy had sex or are even in a relationship for that matter.

Legally, in the eyes of the law, in this scenario, the age of concent is 16. So people saying she should not be having sex as she is a minor is irrelevant to this thread. That’s more of a discussion thread of should the age of concent be Rased to 18 or to whatever. A 17 year old in this situation would legally be seen no different then a 18, 21 or 60 year old. It never says anywhere in the law that 16 or 17 year olds need parental concent to have sexual intercource .No crime committed! (if it happened in the first place).

Ethically, I think that anyone, regardless of age, still living at their parents/ guardians house should have to abide by there parents rules, and if that’s no sex in the house then so be it. although people who want to have sex will have it anyway no matter how much you persuade them not to they will do it in a bush somewhere- so better they be safe in there own bedroom, I feel but hay.

Op- you have a right to feel disappointed and I personally feel you have a right to know who is in your house. I would be inclined to Calmly confront her and see what she has to say for herself. Most probably they are more than friends, but are likely a bit nervous about the whole thing.

Hope this helps

Doesn't the kid know there's CCTV in the house?

I don't understand why what I am saying is so difficult for some posters to understand.

My parents didn't ask for information, I volunteered it. I was brought up to have respect for my parents, not through fear, but understanding and mutual respect.

Mumsnet is hilarious. It's amazing how grownup a 17 year old can be on this
thread, but how child like they can be treated on others. Such as paying their own way and taking responsibility for themselves and not constantly being bailed out by parents because their kids can't cope with life.

chocolate Yes I too would talk about what I was doing that day e.g. x is coming around for a bit. But as I already said and asked you, not everything is planned to an nth degree. I asked you, but you ignored me, about what you would do if plans changed? I would be out with a friend and invite them back for coffee. Would you not have done this, or would you have phoned to ask for permission?

I can't imagine my life being so structured that at the beginning of the day I know whether anyone is going to be invited to my house.

I don’t like all this aggressive “my house my rules” power play. A 17 year old in education doesn’t have many options about where to live so wielding power over a near adult using this as leverage seems off to me

Exactly. I wouldn't be surprised if their kids go NC.

abacucat

If I couldn't get hold of my parents (before mobile phones) then no, I didn't bring someone back. The chances are that I would have gone to my friends house.

I wouldn’t even take that under my notice. She’s 17 and had a friend round. If it was a female friend she could just as easily have been shagging. I wouldn’t worry about this, honestly.

chocolate Okay so you did ask permission, even if you don't call it that. I think that is unreasonable, but I know you won't agree.

I find it so weird to refer to your house, that you share with your children, as 'your property'. Legally, sure?

But when I have children, my house is the home I provide to them. Something I have a responsibility to provide to them, to cede to them certain rights of privacy and grow their own responsibility for it too. Not to maintain some sort of possessive rank-pulling because I'm afraid of them building a life without me.

No, 16+ isn't time to be an adult, but you don't go from child to adult in one leap. Small differentiations of trust and independence over time allow kids to spread their wings safely and explore their own feelings.

haha, she tells you everything. You are very naive. She has always told you what she wants to share with you. She's not your mate to share everything. There will be loads that she hasn't shared with you, about you for starters.