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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/10/2018 12:33

ts not about lacking integrity, its about being able to keep some things private when you don't want others to know.

There are ways of doing that without lying. Change the subject? Say, "I'm not really comfortable talking about this." Maybe not as easy as just glibly telling a lie, but some people just can't live with themselves if they're dishonest. It's a personal choice.

Would you say the same of a woman who was newly pregnant? If asked outright if she was expecting she said no.

Yes, I would. If she lied, yes. It's quite black and white.

Is her desire to keep some things private because she has personal reasons for not sharing them when asked more or less important that your right to know?

My imaginary but integrity-packed pregnant woman would say, "Mind your own business, you nosy cow!" Or admit that she's not comfortable talking about this subject, or say that she wouldn't announce a pregnancy until the 12-week scan, or any number of things that aren't just a blatant lie.

Would you say she lacked integrity?

If you lie, you lack integrity. The definition of integrity:

Integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, or moral uprightness. It is a personal choice to hold one's self to consistent standards. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions.

So yes, our fictional pregnant fibber lacks integrity if she tells a lie.

You're implying that lying isn't lying if you have a valid reason for lying.

yolofish · 23/10/2018 12:34

If you really are of the view that it is ok for a girl to have a boy over/have sex in her parents house, then yes, that does point to not just a very disturbed and amoral outlook, but also to a lack of parental values. It is just not morally right by normal people's standards.

Good grief!!! DD2 and her boyfriend have been having sex in our house since they were both 17. I assume they've had it elsewhere - his house, hotels etc. I've never felt it was not morally right or that I lack values...

Poster65 · 23/10/2018 12:34

I'm sorry, but, to me, 17 is a child - she can't buy cigarettes, buy alcohol, vote

But she’s legal to have sex , get married, live on her own?

I left home at 16, alone. Bloody hell I didn’t report my sex life back to mum, she was the reason I had to leave.

There might be some few mundane laws about purchasing alcohol fags and voting but they hardly stack up

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 12:34

Can’t buy alcohol or cigarettes?where do you live?poundbury?
Shop next to my school sold single fags,we were able to buy alcohol & cigs from about 13yo
I’m not saying that’s a good thing but most kids by 17yo have purchased alcohol and fags

RomanyRoots · 23/10/2018 12:35

If you don't want your dc to have sex you just don't give them the opportunity.
My dh said the only thing that stopped him having sex was opportunity. Grin
I never allowed my dc to have bf/gf staying over until they'd been together for a year, never a ons, just not acceptable under my roof.
Do what they like anywhere else.
Luckily it's worked out well for the older two and well into their twenties before little pattering feet arrived, this week. Grin
Just hoping it's the same for dd.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:35

I'm sorry, but, to me, 17 is a child - she can't buy cigarettes, buy alcohol, vote!

She can have sex, have a kid, get a job, get married with parental consent - although you don’t need it in Scotland.

When I was a teen cigarettes could be bought at 16. In many European countries you can drink beer and wine at 16. And there is discussion of lowering the voting age to 16 in the U.K.

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:36

Poster65 - 16 year old mights be able to get pregnant and get married, but how well do you think your average 16 year old who does those things fares in life?

It's not the ideal path now, is it?

Dungeondragon15 · 23/10/2018 12:36

It is that she is sneaking boys into her parents house and having sex. That is the issue.

The fact that a boy came to the house doesn't mean that she is "sneaking boys into her parents house" and it certainly doesn't mean that she is having sex. A friend came around and she doesn't want to discuss the fact with her mother because she doesn't want to be interrogated. She may or may not be having sex but as she is 17 why should she discuss it with her mother?

Dungeondragon15 · 23/10/2018 12:38

Do what they like anywhere else.

If they can do what they like anywhere else you are not actually preventing them from having sex are you?

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:39

As many parents I know say, 'if they want to have sex fine just not in my house'.

Talk about lacking in moral responsibility.

NotANotMan · 23/10/2018 12:41

Maybe she's not sure where it's going?
Maybe she doesn't want you to make it more than it is?
Maybe she wants to get to know him without you scrutinising the relationship?
Why do you think she needs to tell you everything?

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:42

If you really are of the view that it is ok for a girl to have a boy over/have sex in her parents house, then yes, that does point to not just a very disturbed and amoral outlook, but also to a lack of parental values. It is just not morally right by normal people's standards

Whether parents feel comfortable with their offspring having sex in their house is matter for individual choice. Some people would rather a 17 year old had sex safely in their house than unsafely elsewhere; others feel uncomfortable with sexual activity in their house other than their own.

But the idea that a girl just having a boy over is ammoral as you claim, who may just be a friend, is very screwed up.

madhatter1965 · 23/10/2018 12:45

Fuck that - my house my rules. More than welcome to have whoever over and do whatever (whilst keeping within the law), but out of common courtesy I want to know who is in my house. Lie about it and it becomes a problem in my book.

SushiMonster · 23/10/2018 12:45

Ach didn't you have secrets from your parents at 17?

Leave her be and stop checking the CCTV!

Vagndidit · 23/10/2018 12:47

Anybody else cringing in pity for this poor girl whose mother is blabbing about her private life all over the internet? Eeks. 😳

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:48

Ummm, it's pretty anonymous...

Devillanelle · 23/10/2018 12:53

'If you really are of the view that it is ok for a girl to have a boy over/have sex in her parents house, then yes, that does point to not just a very disturbed and amoral outlook, but also to a lack of parental values. It is just not morally right by normal people's standards.'

Wow, I didn't know they had Mumsnet in the 1900s!

florafawna · 23/10/2018 12:53

Adult since a year.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:54

Until it gets into the Daily Mail...

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 12:57

It's about having respect for your parents and your home.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:58

It’s also about having respect for your children.

abacucat · 23/10/2018 12:59

It is not healthy for a mother and her 17 year old daughter to be best friends. It is a mother/daughter relationship. And of course no daughter needs to tell her mother everything.
OP if you expect your DD to tell you everything, then yes I can see why she lied. She would have wanted to avoid being questioned. Privacy matters.

ClarabellaCTL · 23/10/2018 12:59

OP I understand your concern but she is 17 and entitled to her privacy. You need to back off and leave her to it, unless you have genuine concerns about her safety.

I can't believe some of the posters on here, maybe DD did get jiggy with her boyfriend, maybe not. Either way, so what? It's not immoral, sex is entirely normal and healthy!

Poster65 · 23/10/2018 13:00

*Poster65 - 16 year old mights be able to get pregnant and get married, but how well do you think your average 16 year old who does those things fares in life?

It's not the ideal path now, is it?*

Probably bloody struggling if you ask me, but a 17 year old really shouldn’t need to divulge to her mother what’s she’s doing with her boyfriend when she is of legal age.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 13:01

I would never have had a boyfriend or any other friend over to my parents house without asking them first. It was my home but their house and I found the more open and honest I was with them the more freedom they gave me.