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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 14:14

I thought I had answered the question Hmm

My children are at primary school and don't have mobile phones.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:16

But that is the parents choice and if the child/young adult doesn't like it or agree then they are free to fund their own home where they can do what they like.

I’m not disputing it’s the parents’ choice, but it’s not necessarily a wise one to be inflexible and authoritarian in imposing rules.

If your children don’t agree to your restrictions and you won’t negotiate, you may lose their trust and respect. They may spend all their time at their friends’ houses in which case you have no idea of and no control over what they a doing or who there spending time with. If they submit unwillingly to keep the peace, when they move out they not keep in touch. And if they choose to move out to get away from your regime, you may lose them forever.

What would you have gained in any of those scenarios?

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:17

I thought I had answered the question

In that case you’re wrong.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:18

there = they’re ^^

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 14:18

My children are at primary school and don't have mobile phones it isn’t a mutually exclusive statement
I have primary school kids they have phones,most of the class do.

Thenewdoctor · 23/10/2018 14:20

What you do and how you behave towards them when they’re 9 or 10 is nothing like what you do when they’re 17.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 14:22

Then remind of the question and I will do my best to answer.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:24

If you can’t keep up it’s not my problem, I’m not interested in the answer anyway tbh.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2018 14:27

TatianaLarina

If you can’t keep up it’s not my problem, I’m not interested in the answer anyway tbh.

So why would you ask a second time for my answer if you weren't interested. Or better still, not ask at all.

Ifoundanacorn · 23/10/2018 14:27

Your dd doesn't have to share her whole life with you. Let her have her own life, you sound quite intrusive for someone with a teen who is just about to become an adult.

Her friendship could be any number of things, but it is not really any of your business now she is so much older. She will tell you when she is ready.

Mishappening · 23/10/2018 14:30

...."a little fooling around..." - that is truly hysterical!

At it like rabbits is probably nearer the mark - and good luck to them!

laceygo · 23/10/2018 14:34

Bunfight ! Mumsnet at its finest 
OP I'm so guilty of being too involved in my DDs life , she's 17 too and it's so hard letting go , but we must... it's hard for them too , but I completely understand where you're coming from , let go a bit for both your sakes... I'm trying to do the same 

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 14:37

OMG, this is an interesting thread.

Personally, most of you all have what I would consider to be slack parenting styles. That's cool we're all different. No one style is right. Your way just wouldn't be my way and that's good.

Would I spy on my child, no - and although many suspect the OP did this. I do not.

I have since day dot said don't lie to me. It's best to be in trouble with me than to lie to me. I can't kill you for any wrong doing, I might be able to help. I can't defend my child if I know they lie.

A 17 year old is not an adult. I lived at home till 25 I still let my parents know if someone was coming over. That is courtesy, I wasn't afraid of them they just ought to know who is in their house. How few of you get that is totally strange to me. My parents raised me they didn't raise everyone else's feral children so a heads up for them is nice.

Additionally, I have younger siblings so bringing boys home was not done willy nilly. And yes that is what hotels are for. My parents rule was not sharing rooms with boys/men So I never did (whilst they were home, but they always knew who was in their home even whilst away), does that mean they get to know whether I was and how I was having sex, no it means I let them know who was in the/coming to the house.

Courtesy on both sides should be a given.

My DS is 16, I expect any girl/boy who is going to come over to walk into my house say hello and for them to go and enjoy themselves. She will not be staying over and I expect him to have discretion when/if they have sex as there is a younger sibling in the home. Other than that let me know if someone is coming, as i'm happy to cook for more, order extra, it's just courtesy.

The house is definitely mine (and DH's), but the home is ours.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 14:38

Bunfight.not as bad as bitchfest,bit still a way to minimise a discussion

Dungeondragon15 · 23/10/2018 14:41

Would I spy on my child, no - and although many suspect the OP did this. I do not.

Really? You actually believe the story that she just happened to be looking through the CCTV footage for a neighbour who wanted to know the timing of a delivery and it is a complete coincidence that this coincided with her thinking that her DD was behaving "furtively"?!!

HarrietKettleWasHere · 23/10/2018 14:42

OP spied. That’s been as clear as day since the off.

Cambalamb · 23/10/2018 14:45

Personally I would have just said that you had to check the footage for neighbour and noticed he came over. Why does it have to be cloak and dagger?

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 14:45

I don't assume people are lying. I take them at face value. We used to have CCTV and it does seem like something a neighbour would ask another one to do for them.

Dungeondragon15 · 23/10/2018 14:49

I don't assume people are lying. I take them at face value. We used to have CCTV and it does seem like something a neighbour would ask another one to do for them.

I don't assume that people are lying either unless their story sounds unlikely and they have a reason to lie as in this case. OP is hardly going to admit that she found this information by spying on her dd is she?

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:49

So why would you ask a second time for my answer if you weren't interested. Or better still, not ask at all.

To see if you had an answer.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 14:50

I take them at face value. We used to have CCTV and it does seem like something a neighbour would ask another one to do for them.

Your neighbour would ask you to check your CCTV to see what time a delivery was made for a parcel the op states was delivered, why would anyone need to know what time the parcel was delivered?

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:51

My DS is 16, I expect any girl/boy who is going to come over to walk into my house say hello and for them to go and enjoy themselves. She will not be staying over and I expect him to have discretion when/if they have sex as there is a younger sibling in the home. Other than that let me know if someone is coming, as i'm happy to cook for more, order extra, it's just courtesy.

How do you think that differs from everyone else on the thread you have labelled ‘slack’? It’s seems you’re just after ego kibbles.

Dungeondragon15 · 23/10/2018 14:52

Yep, I think that OP needs to firm up her story before she confronts her DD about her dishonesty lol.

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 15:14

@TatianaLarina
Because simply what many of you are describing is nothing like what I described. You are allowing people to come into your home, who you might or might not know. You don't know when they come or when they leave, because your children don't have to let you know they were there in the first place.

Sex may very well happen, but I do expect kids to sneak around (i.e. wait until I'm not home), I don't want my pre-pubsescent child thinking it's okay with all and sundry. yes, I do want to be introduced to the person you intend to shag, no, you will not be bringing ONSs into the home.

So yes, it's slack to me but each to their own. It's not right or wrong, just different.

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 15:16

I also don't know what ego kibbles are. I just do things differently to you. Within my community, what has been objected to by many here is considered to be courtesy, whereas expectations of courtesy are met with sneers.