To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it

@WorraLiberty has it nailed, I reckon.

What age are your colleagues? Just wondering? Are they unhappy/in bad relationships? Are they normally bitchy about people in general?

Don't listen to them! We'll try not to be wound up! I have no shame in saying I would absolutely love my kids to go on a break without me! They have fun it's their boys trip so don't put a stop to it because of other people!

You also seem to contradict yourself quite a bit, saying that you had to justify going back to work full time in order to afford bills but then describing how you and your dh have the spare money for several holidays and 'spends'

That was when I went back to work after my first son 3.5 years ago whereas this time we could afford for me to reduce my hours.

I don’t meant to overshare, I just wanted to set the scene in my first post so I didn’t have to do any drip feeding later down the line.

Complete derail, but where on earth are you getting all inclusive for 2 at half term for £200??

What age are your colleagues? Just wondering? Are they unhappy/in bad relationships? Are they normally bitchy about people in general?

The ones that make the comments range from maybe 30 up to 50? As far as I’m aware they’re all in happy relationships so I can’t see why they’d want to try and criticise mine.

I know I need to toughen up - you’ve all made me see that.

God why do women do this?? It’s almost a competition as to who can be the most doting bloody parent. I have friends like this, say ‘ohh I could t be without my dc for a week’. Then pay them no attention to them whatsoever and play on their phones whilst with their kids. Pft can’t be away from them, Really?? Is that really true?? Jesus I skip away from school on a Friday morning EOW as my dc go to their Dads.

I think it’s healthy to be able to spend time apart. Your dh and ds sound like they have a fantastic relationship and long May it continue.

Tell your colleagues to mind their own business YANBU

And yes, I’m slightly jealous too

Hey, they're jealous and some would probably do it if they could.

It suits you and your family and if you're all happy with it, the other's don't matter.
It sounds lovely!

We're not one size fits all and really, what business is it of anyone else?

You sound like a sorted family.

You should suggest that you are granted as much leave as your.husband next time your nosy.colleagues start going on.

Complete derail, but where on earth are you getting all inclusive for 2 at half term for £200??

(£250)

I have said previously how he gets the flights so cheap and he doesn’t use package holidays and so books the accommodation separate to the flights. He doesn’t book the hotel until close to them flying out because they then get the cancellation prices and he spends ages trawling online holiday websites to find the best deals. On one occasions he didn’t book their accommodation until two days before they flew out

I think it's wonderful that your husband takes your child away and spends quality time together. But if he's not enjoying it that much, what about considering them going somewhere in the UK instead? Maybe Centre Parcs or something like that (although I guess that can work out as expensive as a holiday abroad). As your son gets older though, it'll be more fun for your husband as they can do more stuff together and he can get more alone time as your son can go to kids clubs without him. As for your colleagues, ignore them, they're clearly just jealous, as others have said. It's none of their business frankly, and they have no right to make you feel guilty about something that's pretty fabulous. Don't even consider asking your DH to stop taking your son because of some closed minded people's opinions.

Complete derail, but where on earth are you getting all inclusive for 2 at half term for £200??

^^this??!!

Cross post!

My daughter regularly goes away with her father, stays with him when she wants to. We share Christmas etc - that is what reasonable people do. She is also at boarding school - only 30 mins away. It’s her choice - she loves it and she is the most well rounded, sensible and happy child I know. We are very close. I have had so many comments over the years - I just give up sometimes. People look for any opportunity to make negative comments.
Just keep on doing what you are doing. It’s a great set up and works for your family.

You don't need to defend yourself.

You don't need to explain.

You don't even need to tell people on this thread how come you can afford it!

Just be confident and shut down discussion if you feel the person is going to be negative, if they pull a face/say something just say 'it's just so fantastic they have such a great bond, anyway, what are YOU up to for the holidays?'

Honestly, why are you giving other people's silliness house room?

what about considering them going somewhere in the UK instead? Maybe Centre Parcs or something like that (although I guess that can work out as expensive as a holiday abroad)

This is pretty much what DH says. He’d resent spending the same amount of money to go somewhere in England when he could abroad for the same price.

Anyhow - I’m off to work to do an afternoon shift so shall catch up later. Thank you everyone for your comments and if the subject comes up today I will close it down as quickly as I can.

Its not all inclusive - it seems to be half board but agree with the £200

OP do you actually know how much he spends: the flights fine the minute they come out but a half board hotel for £40 per night - room yes, breakfast yes but evening meal no and certainly not all inclusive (and the deal you describe was not all inclusive). Not only must he be booking the flights straight away but the hotel.Suddenly its £300 with spends for food and extra beer and its from his personal account

So again who is he doing it for - I nearly went away this half term but realised that actually the kids are just as happy if not happier at home with their stuff having playdates, going to the park, going out for pizza than going away

So again are you actually happy with this

Poor things it's cold and peeing it down there at moment, we aren't far away, and out of season he's done really well to find an all inclusive with kids club still open.

Enjoy the break I'd say and ignore em'

They are twats. All of them. Your son is spending time with his other equal parent. It sounds like he has a great dad, and your is doing really well. I thought the whole point of being a parent was to prepare your children for life without you?

Lots of people, reading threads on mumsnet, have partners who can't look after their kids for a few hours - or can only do so when they're left specific instructions and a pizza to heat up. Therefore when their children spend any significant time with the other parent it causes a load of issues and the mum spends all the time worrying.

I'd be angry and wishing I had some witty put downs. But I'd probably just smile and nod knowing that I was in the lucky minority of a parent who's child has an equally good relationship with both parents, which ultimately can only benefit the child.

FWIW my husband is from another country and recently took our eldest on a short trip back there - 4 days. She came on leaps and bounds in her other language and would likely not have done so if I was there and she was speaking to me the whole time.

Lastly, lots and lots of marriages end in divorce and then the other parent can take them abroad for a couple of weeks at a time - what would the people that have an opinion on your family say about this!?

@QueenofmyPrinces of course a 14 month old has no concept of jealousy at this point and to be honest next year he won’t really either (they quite often prefer to be at home with familiarity) but you refer to the bond and close relationship your elder child and son have and my only advice would be to be careful, if you intend to have the younger child join in, but not have the same 1-2-1 time as his older brother the relationships will be different and the older one will be put out when the younger one comes along and the younger one will never get what the older one has.
From this aspect I think you need to be a bit careful. My eldest went snowboarding with his dad alone a few times (last minute half term deals) He was 2 yrs older and a skateboarder. His sisters were more placid, it never worked out to give them the same trips alone and now they are teens it’s definitely been an issue. As when they did things, he also went.

*due to childcare and circumstances not because we wishedto treat them differently

Surely any negative comments are brought on by jealousy? Why should your son miss out because other people are rude.

You don't have to justify anything. Screw up your courage (I know it's not easy), give them a firm look and say 'That's not your business' or, if the comment is really rude/you're feeling brave, 'How dare you?'

And you don't need to justify yourself/how you afford your holidays to us on here either. Everyone nit-picking about it can piss off.

Your husband says he doesn't particularly like it but does it for your son. Any children that young I know are just as happy (if not happier) staying at home with their own toys once they get an ice-cream or a McDonald's every other day. I still can't get my head round him not staying at home playing with the 2 kids but leaves the 14 month old with the childminder. That's just absurd.

I would say that the only strange thing is that your DH doesn't particularly enjoy it, so wouldn't it be nicer for him to take the 2 out on day trips?

I think it’s brilliant, your son and husband will develop a close bond, as has been said the comments are due to jealousy or insecuritu. Your critics are selfish if they do nt allow father and child time