To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it

Was a family we have two holidays a year.

My DH then spends £500 over the course of a year taking our DS away on two short holidays.

I know people who have huge houses (which we don’t), fancy cars, exotic holidays a few times a year, lovely clothes, great social lives etc etc and generally have wonderful lifestyles. They may not class themselves as wealthy but to me they are. As I said, it’s all relative.

Some people come out each month with two, three times the amount of money me and DH do. I read about people on here with salaries of £60k plus whereas me and DH couldn’t dream of earning that sort of money.

Maybe some people think we are wealthy but compared to a lot of other people we really aren’t.

I certainly don’t class us as wealthy. Two £250 trips away a year isn’t wealth in my eyes as some people can afford to spend that on one night out.

OP I think your main issue is that you're getting a lot of flack for something I deal with a lot: the insinuation that you’re a bad mother because your DH takes DS away.

No matter OP’s ‘wealth’, or life style, it’s hard when people shame you with the ‘oh I could NEVER do that,’ because even if you know you don’t buy flash cars, even if you know the one to one time is great for them, it’s hard knowing that other people think you’re somehow a worse parent. You can tell yourself to disregard the comments all you want, it’s still hard. And that’s when you get defensive (it only cost xxx, it’s only a weekend, etc). Best advice I can give is just stop talking about it. Tell DH to stop. When people ask what he’s up to half term he can say ‘oh I’m not sure yet!’ and leave it there.

Sympathies OP. I've been told this week that "you work far too many hours, sorry but it's true" in a way that suggested this is a conversation that has been had behind my back.

I would like to be around a bit more and have greater flexibility so i am looking to make changes but it's still crap that that's the opinion people have of me and my parenting.

I don't understand that comment OP. You said he's been taking your 4.5yr old away for 2 years, so he would have been just over 2 back then

He was 2.5 years old and I really, really struggled with it. I found it very hard and I would no doubt feel the same if he took DC2 next year, well perjaps even worse because DC will not long have turned just two.

I know that DC2 will be fine but I’m not sure I would be at that stage.

Hold on how on earth do you get a 5 day trip to malta for £250? Thats £125 per person I have not had a holiday deal like for over 10 years

I seriously doubt anyone thinks that she's a bad mother. Just that she's being taken for a ride being left by herself with the baby whilst her husband is off on a jolly. Again.

This might be at the heart of you taking the comments so hard OP. It isn't a bad thing to let your DC have time away from you, in the company of their dad who loves them. Honestly it isn't.

I agree some people are probably jealous that you can afford it (I understand what you mean about choices re cars/houses etc but lots of people don't have much/any choice and there are some who don't believe they do but actually do). Also some women may be jealous that your DH is able to cope with looking after his own son for that kind of time period. (Which is ridiculous but does seem to be quite common).

Like a previous poster said in my social circle esp with families where 1 parent is from another country and/or when 1 works in teaching/university, 1 parent taking kid/kids away while other works is very normal.

Thanks lola - it seems you understand how crap it is though I’m sorry that you have to deal with similar.

henry - When I went back to work after having DS1 my colleagues were shocked that I still worked full time. They would make comments about how it’s so long to be away from my child for and how hard I must find it etc. I said I had bills to pay and we couldn’t afford for me to reduce my hours. As people on here say, the same comments never get directed to fathers. I just hate the sexism we face, that’s what bothers me most.

Hold on how on earth do you get a 5 day trip to malta for £250? Thats £125 per person I have not had a holiday deal like for over 10 years

He paid £200 for the room and £50 for the flights. He sits up at 3am of the morning the flights are released so he can book them straight away when they are only about £20. They only take hand luggage too so they don’t have to pay for suitcases.

He was 2.5 years old and I really, really struggled with it. I found it very hard and I would no doubt feel the same if he took DC2 next year, well perjaps even worse because DC will not long have turned just two.

I know that DC2 will be fine but I’m not sure I would be at that stage.

Now your thread makes sense.

Why would you allow him to take your son away, if you really really struggled with it?

Why didn't he just say he'll wait until he's older? I know he has a right to take his son on holiday but who would want to, knowing it makes the other parent so unhappy?

I think that's what all this is about and that's why the comments from colleagues get to you so much, because deep down you agree that if it was up to you entirely, you wouldn't want it either.

Stand up to your DH or learn to deal with the comments at work because those are the only choices you have.

Where do you work? 1958?

I agree with Iola just don't mention it or respond. Your family is happy. Be confident in your choices.

I’m on holiday for half term with one DC and three of that DC’s friends (whose mothers are at work - their DC would be at home alone if I hadn’t taken them away). DH was away last weekend - he took another DC to see his elder brother. We often travel separately. It’s such a non event.

Well I think that sounds great, DP and I have discussed doing similar when DD is older as we believe it's important for DC to have strong individual bonds with both parents, and it gives the other parent a great opportunity for some me time. The people judgeing you are just nasty twats, ignore their guilt tripping, if you know your DS and DH enjoy it and you don't mind having a relatively miniscule amount of time apart then what's the problem? What must they think of the mothers who have shared custody of DC with exes? They are ridiculous do they have very young DC? I felt like I could never be apart from DD when she was tiny, now she's a toddler I don't feel quite the same

Still that isnt a 5 day trip for £250 though is it - that is room and flight not food?

OP what do you want - do you want him to take both of them. Did you want him to do it the first time

I don’t openly talk about it - my colleagues ask me where DH is taking my son this year.

You must have said too much in the past, or they wouldn't be asking now.

BTW: I’m not humble bragging about our income

That's not for you to say. How you come across to other people is how you come across, and how you come across here is probably a mere shadow of how you come across in real life.

You need to focus on treating your kids equally as they grow and not giving a damn what other people think.
It sounds more like they enjoy gossiping about your choices, but to be honest I would probably find leaving a sibling out worth discussion if this continues.

Thankfully my 14 month old isn’t familiar with the concept of jealousy.

And as I have said before, my DH intends to take them both next year so there will be no unequal treatment or leaving one child out etc.

When I agreed to the first time
My DH took DS1 away I though it was a fantastic idea and that it would be lovely for them both etc and it wasn’t until the night before they were due to fly out that I lost it a little. Up until then I’d been fine about it. I was surprised at how difficult I found the night before they were due to fly out and it took me a few days to settle down after they’d gone. The first time was always going to be hard but after that I’ve been fine with them going away. I will feel the same no doubt when it comes to DC2 going with them for the first time.

I hope they are not your friends the ones judging you?
I would seriously consider getting new friends.
I used to regularly take my DD away for cheap holidays as me ex worked abroad a lot.
They are small minded and ignorant.
Probably have their own issues I suspect.
Just smile and say, yes its great we have/had a lovely time together!

Still that isnt a 5 day trip for £250 though is it - that is room and flight not food

They stay at inclusive hotels so get breakfast and evening meals as part of the package. DH then just takes some more money for extra food or beers etc. There will also be the cost of the transfers too so it probably costs him just over £300 to cover everything when those expenditures are added on.

That’s not for you to say. How you come across to other people is how you come across, and how you come across here is probably a mere shadow of how you come across in real life.

Then I can only apologise. I don’t mean to come across as wealthy or bragging but I guess it gives me something to think about if you say I do.

sorry my not me and I realise now its your DH and DS going away
good on em! absolutely nothing wrong with that
the green eyed monsters can judge away!
they are in the wrong

It sounds like those criticising your choices would criticise you whatever you do OP so don't spend another moment worrying about it. I agree - don't tell them any details unless asked and just say - everyone is different - luckily! As you can see on here it is not unusual for families to have separate holidays sometimes and is not a negative thing but a positive thing!

I think that you are just an oversharer- look at the detail in your first post that is pretty much irrelevant. I wonder if you also overshare a bit at work?
You also seem to contradict yourself quite a bit, saying that you had to justify going back to work full time in order to afford bills but then describing how you and your dh have the spare money for several holidays and 'spends'
I think maybe that is why these people feel they can comment- because you openly share this information?

Personally I love that your dh takes ds1 off on holiday in half terms, I bet it is lovely. Don't give their judging a second thought.

I hope they are not your friends the ones judging you?

Definitely not, they know how our family works and that DH and DS going away is just normal for us. It’s my colleagues that make the comments to me.

I find myself trying to unnecessarily justify it to them because I can see what they’re thinking and I hate it. I tell them that of course I don’t mind them going, that DH is a great dad, that my son loves going, what a great relationship they have etc and the “well I couldn’t do it” comments carry on. It’s just really crap when you feel that your parenting decisions are being not very nicely judged.

I wish I didn’t rise to the bait and I wish I could find ways to not get drawn into the conversation but it’s natural to want to try and defend yourself isn’t it.

Tell them that you are very concerned that your children should not be excessively fixated on either parent, and you think it's very important they grow up to become independent, well-rounded individuals, and not mummy's boys. So you are bravely putting aside your own feelings because to you, it's your children that come first, not what you want. Unlike some mums, you are prepared to make that kind of sacrifice.

If they are going to put the weight of millennia of clichés behind their argument you might as well do so too.