To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it

Piece of nonsense. I'm leaving the two year old and six month old to go to the States for a week in January. I look after them on my own all the time and their Dad is perfectly well able to manage a week. I'm needing the break and to see relatives before they die. I'll miss them but as PP said, it's not boarding school aged 4. They'll all cope.

Why are you even discussing this with people? It's none of their business.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to learn to share less personal information and also to rise above such bitchy comments. I frequently spend a lot of time apart from my DH & DS, I love the fact that they have a great relationship and that I am not dependent on either of them for my 'fulfilment in life'. I think some people and sadly it is frequently women, cannot understand how a mother can be happy to be apart from her child. Perhaps they have so little else in their lives that they need to be with their children all the time. And yet if we were to comment on their co-dependency we would be considered bitchy yet it seems acceptable to make comments the other way round.

Nobody's business except your own.

Good idea not to share too many personal things with collegues. I speak from experience. Best to stick to the innocuous.

Thanks everyone. My husband keeps saying the same thing but I’m so tired of having to justify something that is just part of how our family functions.

And to the previous poster who asked, yes they go during half terms when I’m at work and the youngest is with the childminder.

He has asked if this time next year can he take both boys away but the youngest will only be just over two years old and I’m not sure I could do it at that age.

My husband has said it will be fine but I can’t imahine the comments I would get about allowing my two year old to be in a different country to me.

You need new friends. Mine wouldn't bat an eyelid at this.

My friend's children are off to Germany with their Dad this half term. I have lent her my Inspector Morse boxset. She can't wait

Also / it might bother me if I felt my DH wasn’t prioritising spending time with the youngest...?

I don’t think it’s at all a reflection on you, your relationship with your FS, you attitude to motherhood etc. But I genuinely might find it an odd set-up nevertheless if your DH never spends the same 1-1 with your other DC, and you never get the same opportunity for 1-1 with your eldest either.

Super super jealous!

My PIL took my 5yo away in the summer - frankly it was magical.

Tell them you’re sorry they don’t ever get a break - no wonder they look so tired all the time.

Having just called them smug judgmental bitches...

I’m actually going to slightly defend them now. See you said the first time your son went away, you struggled with it?

Remember, that’s where they are now. I have over the years been surprised at just how many friends have never been away from their children overnight. But it’s really common.

So, given that you’re upset enough by their comments to even consider cancelling, yet these trips have only been going on for 2 years - would you consider that you might be over sensitive to the comments?

That maybe some of them aren’t really thinking about you? Just imagining it and having the same reaction you did first time - which was also hard for you.

The reason why I wonder if you’re over sensitive for some reason, is that it seems like a lot of comments and sly looks to one orson, when my experience has never been like this.

Certainly I get the sexism - I am always asked who looks after my child when I’m working away, male colleagues are NEVER asked this. But it’s not judgmental.

I also get curious / banal “do you miss her? / is it hard?” type comments. And yes once or twice I’ve heard “oh I couldn’t!” - but I’ve never felt it as a judgment on me, just a personal opinion.

I’m reminded of my sister - she takes every comment to heart and with hidden and negative meaning. But it causes her no end of stress. Imagine we’re sat in the pub and someone stares at us. My first thought is “do they know me? Like my dress?” Her first thought is “what’s their problem? Are they laughing at my jeans?”

So... if they are judging you - fuck ‘em! But maybe do a bit of thinking about if they really are.

My parents got divorced when I was fairly young so often spent time away from them.

They must both be terrible people 

Sounds like a wonderful experience they are having and you are well balanced enough to know that

Seems like the people around you are being sexist, judgemental and jealous tbh OP

Try to let it roll off you.

Small people talk about people's business, big people talk about dreams theories and ideas 

X-post OP. I see your DH would like to take both DC. Let him! Why not?

Ignore judgy fuckers. Make sure you also get quality 1-1 time.

Ignore them op people are horrible

But I’d also hate this myself because of FOMO! It is lovely they spend time together but two holidays abroad without you? Could they not do an overnight and then you all have a weekend away? But if it works
For you then go for it. Just don’t agree to it if it actually doesn’t and upset you iyswim.

Why do you even need to tell anyone they are away, if anyone asks where your children are during the holidays surely you can just say that they are with their Dad as he is a teacher and has the holidays free. You don't need to specify whether they are in Timbuktu or wherever . And of course your 2 year old can go abroad with his/her own Dad.
For various reasons my DH & DS will be spending Christmas abroad and I am staying here, I am ridiculously excited about the fact of being home alone and I know they will have a fabulous holiday (skiing - which they both love and I hate). Win win all round.

Just don't tell people OP. Be vague. When they ask just say you're not sure if your plans yet. Don't stop because of some judgey comments!

Hmmmmm, just read your follow up post about not wanting to let your 2yo go as he’s too young.

I was away up to 3 nights at a time (at first every other week) from my baby being 13 months.

So, I could find your comment judgemental - if I wasn’t confident about my decision! But that was my point about them actually feeling the same way that you feel.

The fact that you would actually consider fitting your plans around their opinions suggests that you care FAR too much about those opinions. Moreso, I’m going to go out on a limb here, than is usual. And that makes me think that you really might be over sensitive and imagining sly looks where there are none.

And - WEES to people knowing your business! My best friends don’t know how often my child is with her dad!

Thankfully it’s not my friends that pass comment, they completely understand how our family unit works and it’s not an issue at all. It’s mainly my colleagues.

DH definitely doesn’t have the better end of the deal as he’s left trying to entertain a 4 year old on his own. The last time they went away he had to sit in Kids Club for four hours each day because our son wasn’t old enough to left there on his own My husband gets quite lonely I think and certainly doesn’t enjoy sitting alone in his hotel room from 9pm onwards because our son has gone to bed

He sends me photos and video clips of what our son is up to and he always looks so excited and happy. Seeing the smile on his face helps make the judgemental comments seem worth it because I know how much my son gets out of their trips away.

I only work two days a week so I get lots of time with the eldest in the week whilst DH is at work so I think their trip away together helps equal things out.

You need new friends. Your current ones are as jealous as hell! That your h is taking his dc on lovely holidays and their husbands are probably useless with their dc.

Don’tbe Put off! Your h is parenting.

I'm not with my ds's dad. He's taken him away on holiday lots of times. Never had a judgemental comment or a raised eyebrow at all. Can't see why there should be.... he's with a parent who he loves very much, having a lovely holiday. So I'd say that your friends/colleagues reactions are not the norm at all.

Unfortunately a lot of women find purpose and status by constantly being needed by their children. They almost relish in the child being distraught when they aren't there because of course the child constantly needs them despite them having raised a child who is overly anxious. Personally I'd rather raise my daughter to be securely attached and independent rather than overly clingy and needy. Women seem to think that a child who constantly needs them makes them a good mum but in my opinion being a good parent is about providing your child with a good, rounded, loving upbringing even though it might be hard at times. My 10 week old already spends the odd hour with her grandparents (gasp), by Xmas she'll be doing the odd overnight. People are always astounded that I can take her anywhere and just by hearing my voice or seeing me she's reassured wherever she wakes up. She also self soothes to sleep. She's secure knowing that all the adults around her love her and can care for her needs. She doesn't need to just grizzle for mummy. It sounds like your DS is having amazing experiences that he'll always remember. Does it matter who it's with. Just tell the judgy people to fuck off. The people I find that judge me are the ones where actually I really don't rate their parenting anyway so why should I care what they think.

OP,

you are not a shit Mum for letting your child go away with your DH.
It's none of their business !
My kids are older than yours, but what I have learnt is some other people/Mums love to judge others, and enjoy making them feel insecure. These types usually have low self-esteem and they make themselves feel better by putting other people down.
Please don't stop DH taking your DC away. As long as you are happy with it, I see no reason to stop. Can you just lie if they ask so you don't have to listen to their annoying comments ?
I wouldn't let DH take a DC away but that's because I would worry about DH coping, but that's cos they are hard work for various reasons i can't go into. For exactly the same reasons, I wouldn't take them away on my own either. However, I would not sit there asking another mother how they can let their child go away with DH, because it's rude and judgy pants.

You only work 2 days a week? How are you finding the time to fill in so many people on your personal business that you know are going to comment negatively anyway?

Surely after the first negative comments, you’d either think “yeah, fuck it, I’ll say what I like” or “mmm, might not go out of my way to talk about these trips”.

They might be jealous that they’d love their husbands to be more hands on.
They might be bored hearing about yet another holiday.
They might just be passing the time with inane drivel not thinking whether you’d care about their opinions anyway.

I don’t understand why you’d tell them so much when you knows it works you up so much that you’d actual cancel your plans over their comments. Just why?!

I find it a bit strange though if your husband doesn’t enjoy it so much

Also what blackcat said.

My colleagues know about it because we are a close team, I spend up to 14 hours a day with them and we all naturally chat about our lives, our family, our friends and our children etc. I’ve worked with them long before I even met my now DH so it’s not like I’m suddenly telling new people about a certain aspect of my life. They’ve naturally come to know about my life over the years, just as I know about aspects of their lives, because that’s what we chat about during quiet moments.

So stop talking to your colleagues about this stuff - they don’t need to know!! Why give them a stick to beat you with!

I can’t believe you’d seriously get your DH to cancel a lovely trip with his DS for someone so inconsequential as a colleague.

My DH regularly takes our D.C. on camping trips or city breaks if I’m away and have done since they were quite small.

If he’s away I take them to visit friends or family in other parts of the country.

And that’s on top of things like Scout camps or sports team trips where only one if us goes.

It’s perfectly normal.

We’re both equally competent parents I’d be pretty embarrassed if my DH was incapable of looking after our kids.