To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it

There are always comments like those on any thread about whether parents should go away without their children.

It's all about the parents, not the kids. They are desperate to show that they obviously love their kids SO much more than you do, that they are superior parents and buying into the theory that parents and children have to be together all of the time. Particularly mothers. Nobody seems to have the same reservations about fathers going away.

Just ignore, OP. If they really mean it and aren't just having a pop at you for no reason, it's quite frankly pathetic. It's our job as parents to bring up well-adjusted, independent children. Not kids who are never left without mum, ever, and who freak out at the first Brownie camp. Posters will state "well I have never left mine overnight and he's 12" as if this is something to be proud of. It's not.

Hope your DH and son have a wonderful holiday.

OP - dc was a toddler and thankfully oblivious

What strange people! I thought everyone had time individually with their DC and separately from their partners. They are the odd ones and why do you care what they think?

Absolute twats! Their kids could cope without them fgs, what if they were ill or something in hospital, would their kids combust spontaneously?!! I know women like this, in reality their partners are often shirkers who 'babysit' the kids from time to time instead of you know parenting them. They get little time off being mummy and resent it so make themselves feel better by saying they could never leave their kids their kids need them etc. Makes them feel better about their situation. Probably get slated for saying it but it's true.

It's baucause you're not a stepford wife family, you can all think for yourselves

Two years ago I went to the Canary Islands alone left husband with the kids!

Every other year into away just me and best friend

Bollocks to to what everyone else 'thinks'

They are frenemies
Cut back on what you share

I have often taken the kids away at half terms without dh but not abroad, I never thought it was fair on my dh really!

I was a youngest child with older teen siblings and from age of about 6 my parents went away for long weekends abroad then week away at a time with friends and left me with either grandparents or then as I was a bit older, siblings. I had a blast, looked forward to the presents they brought back for me and had good relationships with other adults in my life. Don't know why people are so afraid of their kids bonding with other adults they're close to. Jealousy type thing maybe? I'm super duper close to my parents so obviously not damaged for life 😂

Well the thing that actually jumped at me from your post is "wow! that's a lot of holidays for one family in a year". So I actually wonder if your colleagues couldn't care less about where your children are during the week, but are quite simply jealous of the number of holidays you (and especially DH) are having. If they are on similar jobs to you, they might also wonder how you can afford it (more jealousy).

Agree that it's down to pure and utter jealousy op.

These will also be the same parents who think nothing of leaving the children with gp's every few weeks to go out on the razzle but that won't get mentioned!

My two are 7 and 15. My 15yr old is a boy and we're super close, ridiculously so :) and my dd who is 7 is a complete daddy's girl and has been on a few short breaks with him alone.

I went abroad last year for 5 days and when I called to speak to them, dd was "too busy" to talk to me but ds told me to have a great time and he missed me loads.

Family dynamics are all different.
You do not have to justify anything to anyone.

Just this week one of my neighbours commented how good dp is with dd as he takes her out every Saturday as he's in work all week and ds is at football every saturday.
She looked surprised when I wasn't gushing at this statement and simply agreed that yes he is a good dad, always has been.

Some people set the bar far too low in the first place.

Familiarity breeds contempt.Don't tell judgemental people your business

I think what they probably really mean is "my DH would never be willing to do that ... (and I need to justify that now because you have just brought this uncomfortable fact into my head)".

It's plain sexism to think a man can't be a great parent. Just like thinking a woman can't be a doctor, engineer, lorry driver, electrician.

My dh took both our DDs on a trip just the two of them out of the country (one at a time, each when they were about 6). Both loved it and still talk about it years later. It was excellent.

I think I would just say something along the lines of "it's a shame you can't trust your husband enough to do the same", or if you're not brave enough for that, how about "well, what are they supposed to do during half term? Sit at home watching tv avoiding the cold and rain, rather than exploring another country and getting to explore the world?"

I'd also ask what they'd think if you sent the kids to their grandparents for the holidays. Bet they're not bothered by that either, so what's different? Lack of a female?! Look out - the 1960s have returned! It's sexist and I'd tell them so!

I think it's a fab idea. He must thoroughly enjoy his holiday unlike these other parents kids who sit around bored at home, probably in front of a screen. Keep doing it OP. Ignore them!

You are lucky that

1. You don’t deny your child a holiday because You aren’t comfortable with it. All about them not being happy - not the kids

1. You trust your husband to look after your child. You know with him being a parent and all

Well the thing that actually jumped at me from your post is "wow! that's a lot of holidays for one family in a year". So I actually wonder if your colleagues couldn't care less about where your children are during the week, but are quite simply jealous of the number of holidays you (and especially DH) are having. If they are on similar jobs to you, they might also wonder how you can afford it (more jealousy).

You may have a point. When DH goes away though they really do go cheap and cheerful and stay in hotels I never would.

He also pays for them out of his own personal spends as opposed to the family money. He says he doesn’t spend his money on anything really so would rather just spend it on taking DS away because he knows how much our son enjoys it.

Why are you even telling people your family holiday arrangements?
To me it looks like it could be jealousy but whats your motivation for telling the world? Do you think you might be bragging?

Very judgemental. Just ignore.

YABU to start a thread in AIBU asking other mothers to judge whether YABU to be fed up of being judged by other mothers.

Stop telling people and then they won’t judge. People are just jealous, if you can’t ignore their comments then it’s best not to tell them your dh is taking ds away.

Don't tell them

Easy

Yanbu to be annoyed. Everyone can do as they please. I know its not the same but I've been judged because I give my DC chocolate and lollipops on occasion, I get judged when I go out using baby carrier (currently live in flat and to take buggy out is nightmare getting round the skinny staircase) the worst thing I've been judge for was quite some time ago omw to work and nursery on train. Ds in buggy and I was sitting next to him. He started being sick so I had to jump up quick and lean him forward so he didn't choke. The comments I got were disgusting

Do not feel bad...pity these idiots..they probably have useless partners who couldn't cope looking after their son on their own for an hour!... definitely jealousy!
Your husband sounds lovely and like you all have a very happy family.

Just ignore the comments and enjoy the peace.

I'm often telling my dh he should take the boys for a nice boys camping trip and I'll stay home with the baby. He's not biting though 😂

I think they are just trying to shut down the conversation. It could be seen to be bragging. I was quite shocked that the 'cheap and cheerful' holiday referred to at first turned out to be five days in Malta!

That could be read as a humble brag tbh.

Why do you give a shit?

My DH has taken one of our 3 kids away every year on his own for exciting adventures. He's actually leaving tonight to get the sleeper train up to Scotland with the youngest.

They get bonding time and make lovely memories and I get time to do nothing, spring clean, go out with friends or study.

I really couldn't care less if anyone else has a problem with it.

Why do people these days care so much about others opinions and why do people feel they have the right to give those opinions on innocuous goings on like taking your own kids away?