To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it

I'd say "I know, I'm such a terrible mother putting my son's feelings before my own, fancy letting him go on a wonderful holiday with his Dad...how selfish of me" & then laugh through gritted teeth

That sounds wonderful. Dad and son get to bond and you get some me time :)
I've got a toddler and have gone on two weekends away to visit close friends who love in Europe and I've had a few funny looks when I said my son was staying at home with Dad. I don't care, it's important for me to spend quality time with special friends and have a little break. I bring the toddler away to visit family too and my husband gets a break then.
As I get older I notice some people can be judgemental if you do anything differently to how they do things. Some people also pigeon hole mothers as always being with their child. And some people just make innately stupid small talk, tune them out of you can, x

OP YANBU-my dad was a teacher and some of my happiness childhood memories are of the fun we had together during school holidays. You are a wonderful, caring and unselfish mum to let them go away and have fun when you are stuck working.

Your colleagues are being completely unreasonable to be so critical and invested in this...

But.

It's interesting how many on this thread are putting it down to 'jealousy' or 'insecurity'.

If people are reacting out of jealousy or insecurity - weak and unappealing as those character traits are - it must be pretty hard for someone who can't, or is unable, to have so many holidays, to hear this.

I don't suggest pandering to people's insecurities, but a little bit of sensitivity to other people's situations never goes amiss.

There are ways to downplay and fob people off, even when directly asked about things.

OP - you're not getting anything out of these exchanges with your colleagues. And it certainly doesn't sound as if they are, either.

You're the one in control here. As I said upthread, the solution is actually pretty simple.

Stop sharing your life.

They're crazy and probably a bit controlling/posessive, also not living in the real world. Lots of kids have parents working alternate shifts/weekends, so it's impossible to do everything as a family. I work weekends so it's normal to hear from colleagues that the other parent is taking their kids to visit family for the weekend. I have taken kids away during summer holiday as I don't work during the week, DH is completely fine with it. And what about separated parents.

I tell them that of course I don’t mind them going, that DH is a great dad, that my son loves going, what a great relationship they have etc and the “well I couldn’t do it” comments carry on.

So, instead of getting defensive and justifying yourself by saying how much your family don't need you to go along and you don't mind if they're away from you, you could say "They have a great time but yeah I really miss them" or "I'd love to go too but I don't get the same time off as DH". That comes across more sympathetically.

If you're husband doesn't really like it then I agree that's a bit odd. But maybe he feels obligated, or he prefers it to day trips from home, and it's a darn sight cheaper than CentreParcs at half term. Or maybe he is trying to give you a break?

My colleagues know I don’t have the annual leave available to me as I use my allowance to go on our family holidays. He does say he does it to give me a break and it does actually. He knows that I deal with most issues regarding the children so he says he likes to think I’m getting some downtime.

My husband is happy when the children are happy, and yes sometimes he probably does get bored on the holidays but he just tells me that our son is enjoying it so much and when he watches him having such fun and seeing the smile on his face etc it makes it all worthwhile. They ring me about three times a day and video call me and I get sent photos and videos and there’s no denying how excited and happy DS is

They do go out a lot together in this country as we have the Merlin passes so we do go on daytrips with those so going away is something different for them. It really is like a family tradition now.

I will probably feel apprehensive at first when he takes both boys next year (if I say he can take the youngest) but the thought of a childfree week does sound nice.

It was mentioned once at work last night as one colleague asked me what the weather was like this time of year over there and are they looking forward to going? I said I didn’t know about the weather and then found a reason to excuse myself in order to put a halt to the conversation.

people are jealous and sexist. we go in about 4 small holidays a year and earn way less than some friends. Its all about whrre you prioritise your spending. We have a small house in a cheap area, buy all clothes and most shoes second hand.etc. This would be many people's idea of hell but we don't mind that. Obviously some people can afford neither but it tends to be the gadget buying, 2 posh car families that can't believe we go away so much.

Well done OP - I suspect if it wasn't that they were bitching about it would be something else. They sound very sexist and old fashioned. Thank goodness you have such a lovely husband who appreciates you. Whereas they quite clearly don't! The beauty of getting older is you care less what other people think of your life choices.....! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a child free week. I wonder what they would say if it was your husband having a child free week?

We have a small house in a cheap area, buy all clothes and most shoes second hand.etc. This would be many people's idea of hell but we don't mind that. Obviously some people can afford neither but it tends to be the gadget buying, 2 posh car families that can't believe we go away so much.

Same here. Most of my clothes come from Primark, as do my husband’s and the majority of our children’s clothes are second hand from eBay bundles Whereas in comparison, a few months ago one my colleagues was showing us some photos of the new bikini she’d bought and it was £70. I could probably buy an annual wardrobe on that amount of money.

And I saw a thread on here about someone wanting to buy a £2’000 sofa whereas my sofas cost us £8 a month.

Like you say, people prioritise different things when it comes to what they want to spend their money.

I’m pretty confident that if I was buying £70 bikinis and £2k sofas we wouldn’t have any holidays.

I live overseas long-term (married here) and loads of my friends are in the same position. So it's usual for many of us (esp those of us who have flexible hours or who teach school) to have long-haul flights and big breaks (3-6 weeks!) so that we can visit "back home"--some every year, some every other year.

Many of us get "I'm so jealous" comments from other people, but what they don't realize is that for those of us to whom these visits are really important, we save money a LOT on other things in life in order to afford them.

If it is important to you and you are not actually "poor," just averagely-off, it's often possible to do have several weeks of holiday a year as long as you prioritize other things and are canny about how you spend your money on holiday. AirBnB, house-sitting, shopping around for cheap flights, staying at people's houses for short stays (and inviting them over to stay with you in return in the future), self-catering, etc. It's often about how you prioritize your money.

(That said, some people cannot afford to do this no matter how they save or prioritize--everyone's financial situation is different.)

It's better you simply stop mentioning this arrangement and avoid the judgment if it's affecting you so badly, than that you stop your son and DH from going on the holidays they enjoy.

Those other women are awful! Your holiday arrangements sound amazing.

If you and your DH were separated no-one would bat an eyelid about him taking his son away on holiday!

My son, from the age of 4 has gone on holiday with my parents - sometimes for up to 3 weeks at a time. Did I miss him - sure I did but he was having amazing experiences with two people who loved him very much. I've never felt judged by it.

Why do you care so much about what other people think?