To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it

Not sure about the snotty digs about money! The teachers I know manage to go away quite a bit. Some people spend an awful lot on holiday but I prefer several cheap breaks

It has cost him £250 for hotel and flights so I don’t think that’s extreme?!

“In fact I’m going to ask DH how much it’s cost him for next weeks holiday...”

What, and then tell us? Just keep it to yourself! There is literally zero need to share that with anyone! You’re massively over-sharing, it sounds like you’re bragging and you’re probably overestimating how much people actually care and then reading reactions that aren’t there.

The fact that youre seeking validation from strangers on MN suggests to me that you’re slightly uncomfortable with him taking them away anyway. Just enjoy the peace and stop worrying what others think.

Blimey. I think it’s absolutely brilliant that your DH and DS can take regular trips away like this! Please don’t listen to boring judgemental narrow minded idiots.

Oh look, you did tell us. What a surprise.

They’re jealous!!
I went to Spain in May for 4 days to celebrate my 40th - I left my 5mth old with his dad. They both had a lovely time and I’d happily wave them off on a boys trip!

Firstly, yes you are bloody wealthy and you should appreciate that rather than pretending it's not true.

Secondly, try avoiding the question or, if that's not pisdible, lie. Tell them he's taking him to visit his aged granny in Milton Keynes or going birdwatching in Norfolk or touring civil war battlefields in the east midlands (actually you could have quite a lot of fun with this).

Your husband goes off on a holiday with your eldest and leaves the youngest with a child minder instead of giving the two of them a great time at home?

I don’t believe this is a real post. For a start there are huge numbers of separated parents who take children away on their own and secondly I’m not sure why you would be in a situation of telling people so frequently to get this kind of feedback.
The only thing that stands out to me, is that you have 2 children and he’s only taking 1. This seems odd, but I presume this is because the younger child has not yet reached the age of 2 which is when your son started doing this. It’s perfectly normal for one parent to take children away but not to frequently leave a sibling out.
I frequently take children away on my own because my husband is self employed.

oh you did tell us. What a surprise.

Only because people are trying to make out we are wealthy and I’m bragging as though DH and DS have extravagant holidays twice a year.

I was just making the point that it cost £250 as opposed to people thinking he’s spending a grand of ‘spare cash’ that we have lying around or something.

We aren’t wealthy at all. But then again, maybe wealthy means different things to different people. It’s all relative I guess.

This would not be note-worthy in my social circle, lots of us have taken one child/both away by ourselves or are foreign born, so there's lots of holidays with one parent/whoever is off work.

If they are constantly mentioning it, you must be constantly mentioning it. It is quite easy to just shut this down/look vague if anyone says anything. But I'm surprised they do.

And yes he doesn’t take the youngest because he’s still breast fed, but even if he weren’t I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him being away from me.

My DH is planning on taking DS2 with them next year when he’s just turned two but I’m still not sure if I would feel okay with it.

You are a family that takes 4 holidays a year, generally foreign ones. That is wealth. It's so offensive and gaslighting to pretend it's not. Do you think that most of the world could do the same if they just cut down on Costa lattes and designer shoes?

“Only because people are trying to make out we are wealthy...”

I think we’ve hit on your problem here. So what if people are trying to do that? Don’t give them more information to try and justify it, just move on and let them think what they think. You don’t need to clear up every single misconception people might hold about you. That applies to people thinking you’re a crap mum because your OH takes the kids away on holiday on his own. Let them think it, don’t add fuel to the fire by adding more and more information, just keep doing what makes you happy.

Well then I guess he’ll have to take them in turns. The eldest will get pretty miffedthough when you stick him in childcare and his little brother has a wicked holiday just with daddy.
You need to focus on treating your kids equally as they grow and not giving a damn what other people think.
It sounds more like they enjoy gossiping about your choices, but to be honest I would probably find leaving a sibling out worth discussion if this continues. You don’t need to tell them what they are doing.

And I agree with PP. Of course you are wealthy. Congratulations.

I really wasn't trying to make out you are wealthy! I just look at what we bring home (which I'd think is more than you) and we couldn't afford all those holidays. We don't spend our money on much either. We do live in an expensive part of the country though I suppose. Anyway, good on you and honestly just ignore all the comments. No one's business but yours!

Fuck off giving the OP a hard time. You're wealtgy too by world standards. Are you apologising to all and sundry about it? Relative to most people on Mumsnet the OP is probably faulty average. You know nothing of her other expenses so are extrapolating wildly. And why shouldn't her DP give one child who has recently had a younger sibling arrive some 1:1 time? This sort of reply alone makes me think the OP may not be exaggerating.

What is the point of this whole post? You're seeking validation from your colleagues over and over and over again and now you're trying to fulfil your need by discussing it over and over and over again on here. Who cares? You're either shamelessly attention-seeking (not least bragging about how many holidays you have a year) or you're not really comfortable with it at all and you're just playing out your insecurities online.

This doesn’t make sense.

You’ve been with these colleagues for years. DH has been doing this for two (?) years. How are you all not over it by now?

I don’t understand why it is eating away at you so much. I agree with the PP who said if it’s affecting your work environment involve HR.

They are stupidly judgemental, just ignore. Rinse and repeat.

And so what if the OP is feeling insecure and seeking validation outside her immediate social circle? Half of Mumsnet is about that. Why are you so annoyed about it?

I just remembered I used to work with a woman who was full time, three kids, OH was a SAHD.

Man the shit she got. It was unbelievable. She wasn’t promoted because she was told they didn’t think she should be away from her kids so much she tried to take legal action I think but found it totally soul destroying and in the end took a bit of a sideways move into a different industry. Shame because she loved her actual job and really wanted that promotion originally.

So I do believe you OP that colleagues can be judgemental fucks about other people’s home lives. But if they are it’s time to stop talking about holidays with them, like others have said, stop sharing. Make replies vague and non comittal.

I don’t openly talk about it - my colleagues ask me where DH is taking my son this year.

So just say "Nowhere". Problem solved.

He has asked if this time next year can he take both boys away but the youngest will only be just over two years old and I’m not sure I could do it at that age.

I don't understand that comment OP. You said he's been taking your 4.5yr old away for 2 years, so he would have been just over 2 back then?