To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it

There is such a simple solution to this, OP.

Just don't tell them. It's not their business and I'm sure theyre not interested.

Your dh sounds fantastic. As do you. Ignore what these silly people say. Your son will have wonderful memories of 1 to 1 time with his dad and that's what's important.

Agree with the poster who said many women are too dependent on being needed 24/7 by their children

I am so jealous of your family my teeth hurt! Don't tell people at work.

He also pays for them out of his own personal spends as opposed to the family money. He says he doesn’t spend his money on anything really

Er you do like to overshare, don't you? You now seem to be boasting you are so wealthy your husband doesn't have to spend his money on anything but trips with your children. I am starting to see why other people might be getting a bit spiteful. Discretion, you know?

It is definitely jealousy firstly, and secondly stop confiding in these people. You are giving them far too much information. Stop telling them what you are doing, what dh is doing. It may be annoying them if they are tired and fed up, but best outcome will be that won't be able to judge or your lucky husband and son.

You are not a bad mother because you are allowing a wonderful bond between your dh and ds to flourish and for them to make the best of their time off. How can this be damaging! Of course it isn't.

Stop talking to these people about personal plans, they really don't want the best for you and your son.

Is that you Writer

All these years on 

We have 4 kids and have always tried to prioritise one on one time. We have both sometimes taken our eldest son away on his own as he is autistic and doesn't get the same opportunities as the others. A
couple of weeks ago they did loads of hill walking in the Peak District which my younger kids wouldn't have managed. I also do smaller things one on one with the others like go out for a coffee or a meal. This is great as they have time on their own with me or Dad and know they are special. Also they often open up about stuff and we have a great time.

I don't see other people doing this though.
On the whole most people seem to do everything as a family. I often get surprised comments not necessarily judgemental though.

I couldn't care less what people think as we are doing the right thing for our kids. ☺️

Ooooh it is Writer isn't it?

Hope you're well!

I'm actually staggered that people care so much about what others do with their spare time . It's there problem but don't let it become your problem. There is nothing unusual about it at all. My dh is from another country to where we live. We have 3 kids so don't get to visit as often as he'd like to. When the kids have half term he often takes one or two of them with him for a few days and I stay at home with the others never struck me as being unususl because it isn't.

Don't let other people's weird views of what is or isn't normal get in the way of how you want to live.

I want to say ignore them if it works for you

However I cant help but find it strange and I am not sure why - the need for your husband to take him with his own money and sit in a kids club (v strange that they would allow this) and not enjoy himself so his son can. Even though he would be just as happy at a park

Maybe they think you're boasting that you can afford so many holidays when others in similar jobs can't and don't take kindly to it?

Will your youngest dc go with them when older?

I always thought from threads about teachers that they spent a great deal of their holidays working to prepare lessons for the next term.

Your will keep feeling shitty until you learn it doesn't matter what others say or think.
They aren't making you feel shitty....you are because you lack confidence in yourself and what you are doing.

You work with some very odd people. Genuinely I know of no parent who would think like this.

I travelled with work when my daughter was younger. Never had a negative comment ever. And yes so that means many times she was in a different country to me.

Anyways, if they ask answer then close the conversation by changing rhe topic. It's really no one else's business.

I'd just ignore them!
However, I too am wondering how you are affording that many holidays (all in school holidays) on a teacher's wage and 2 part time days??!! (In teaching profession myself!)

God what narrow minded friends and colleagues you have! This strikes me as a totally normal and healthy thing for a family to do. Your son will benefit from 1:1 time, your marriage will benefit from sharing the load and you get a break from being on parental duty and can go out for a couple of evenings. Their comments suggest they have very unequal parenting roles in their family which ultimately will not benefit their DC. Ignore. I know it's hard but you are in the right here.

Turn the comments back on your colleagues. I would think that they are possibly a) a bit jealous and b) a bit insecure. But largely I would think they are just finding something to say. They are not really thinking. So pull them up on it.

"Oooo I couldn't do that, I wouldn't want my children in another country without me."

"Why not? What do you think would happen?"

"Ooooo Don't you miss them""

"Yes, but they have a wonderful time? Why would I stop them?"

"Don't you worry about them?"

"DH is perfectly capable, what do you think would happen?"

And repeat. Every. Single. Time.

By turning it back on them you will get them to think about how fucking stupid their comments are and this is more likely to stop them doing it.

They are not judging you - they are just being thoughtless. Make them think=make them stop.

And - meant gently here - try and get a little bit of a grip about your reaction. As a PP said, they really do not care enough about your joint parenting choices to judge you. They are making "Take a Break" type comments without thought. You are not important enough on their radar to judge. Honestly you are not. And if they are judging you - fuck em.

Ps my friends in France are sending their DC on a PGL type holiday this week for childcare reasons. They're 5 and 7 and I was a tiny bit unsure it was a good idea but it's apparently very normal there, the kids begged to go and are having a ball.

Wait until you get to the teenage years and you gleefully, utterly gleefully, wave them off for 10 days sleeping on the ground in a farmers field for Scout camp. They love it, and the sheer peace from the constantly chatter and music and clattering around the house.......

Letting DCs have their independence from parents from a young age is a great way to build their own skills and develop their personalities. And allowing you time to remember that you are a person too still, not JUST a mammy!!

And it really doesn’t mean that you love them any less, in fact, that you are so confident in your love and bond that you see the positives in them going and you are not so insecure that you’re afraid they can’t cope without you.

Ps just realised you still have dc2 - definitely get him to take both next time!

I think the OP is grossly exaggerating but quite possibly not intentionally. Just reading too much in to “facial expressions” etc

However what can’t thkse who say that they could never be away from their children whilst they are abroad be telling the truth? We are all different. I wouldn’t have a problem with it personally but I can completely understand others may.

The irony is that so many on this thread are judging mothers who would struggle to be apart from their children whilst they are abroad.

There should be no judgement all round. We are all different.

I wouldn't judge anyone for not wanting to do it personally. We never have. But I do judge the over the top reaction to other people doing it.

I don’t openly talk about it - my colleagues ask me where DH is taking my son this year. I don’t like talking about it for the reasons I’ve mentioned. Why would I start a conversation about something when I know it’s going to end up with me feeling like shit?

DH and I aren’t wealthy. Between us we take home a nice amount of monkey but we don’t buy anything for ourselves. We don’t have flash card, we don’t buy clothes and jewellery, we don’t do anything with it really. We each have personal spends from our bring home pay and my husband likes to spend his taking DS away. We are very much of the tripe of people to spend our money rather than save it all because who knows when we won’t be here to enjoy it.

BTW: I’m not humble bragging about our income, I’m just answering questions that people have asked on here.

In fact I’m going to ask DH how much it’s cost him for next weeks holiday...

Surprised you care what people think?
Why would you if you’re enjoying life and lots of holidays and extra cash to do nice things, just get on with your life ignore people who have a problem with it, why would you ask him not to go just because you can’t handle people at work saying stuff.

You’ve been happy for Him to take your son away previously but because a few work people make comments you’ve decided it should no longer happen?....
YOU and your dh decide how to bring up your kids and manage your family and if you’re happy with arrangements you’ve made then stick to that when speaking about it at work or just keep your mouth shut if comments from others mean more than your own life and decisions?...

So many typos!!

I meant we don’t have flash cars.