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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

241 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 22/10/2018 22:24

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it Sad

OP posts:
jinglebitch · 23/10/2018 06:13

Is it bad that all I'm thibeing is how on earth do you afford 2× 2 week holidays plus 2 more 1 week holidays on a teachers wage plus 2 days part time??
Btw-my DH has taken my children away abroad a few times, I've hated and loved it in equal measure but it has undoubtably strengthened their relationship and bond,as he works very long hours and rarely gets to spend quality time with them at home. Could you go for that angle?

Ceebs85 · 23/10/2018 06:18

I couldn't do it. That doesn't mean I'm judging you. It just means I'm saying I couldn't do it. Stop telling every man and his dog and not expecting people to think about it and have an opinion. If it works for you it works for you. You're looking for issues where there aren't any.

happychange · 23/10/2018 06:23

Just don't tell anyone Wink

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/10/2018 06:24

Is it bad that all I'm thibeing is how on earth do you afford 2× 2 week holidays plus 2 more 1 week holidays on a teachers wage plus 2 days part time?

Grin

I don’t tell them about he holidays as such, it just comes up in conversations as they know my DH always takes my son away during half terms. It will just start with them asking where DH is taking DS this time and it goes from there.

I put a smile on my face and laugh off their comments with a bravado but inside I’m feeling like crap. I don’t know I let it affect me so much, I guess nobody wants to be thought of as a mum who doesn’t care about her children though do they?!

OP posts:
greendale17 · 23/10/2018 06:28

**UpstartCrow

If you are getting those awful comments from colleagues then raise a case with HR. Its bullying and its nasty.**

^Hysterical much? Don’t waste HRs time with this.

greendale17 · 23/10/2018 06:29

Stop telling every man and his dog and not expecting people to think about it and have an opinion. If it works for you it works for you. You're looking for issues where there aren't any.

^This.

figelnarage · 23/10/2018 06:32

So you are supposed to deprive your son of these trips and experiences because you are working? These people are morons.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 23/10/2018 06:34

I think these comments are a sad reflection on some fathers. I have never found it hard to leave DS with his Dad, as I see him as just as good a parent as me. Now DS is older he seems to be of the same opinion. Don't change anything just because of other peoples inadequacies!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/10/2018 06:40

I think it's far more about their need to be needed than anything else. I've know mums like this, It's like they've convinced themselves (and now need to convince everyone else) that their bond with their child is just sooo much deeper than yours that really little Johnny couldn't cope without them nor they without him Hmm.

Shut them down. They're being bloody rude so there's no reason you should be polite. Ask them what exactly are they suggesting and point out that they appear to be saying you don't love your child!

Seriously Op some people feel free to say whatever the hell they like and they get away with their thoughtless remarks because others are too worried about upsetting or offending them to give them the verbal kick in the ass they need.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 23/10/2018 06:45

Your colleagues are being completely irrational and ridiculous - take absolutely no notice and stop telling them what your DH and DS’s holiday plans are then they can’t make unfounded judgemental comments. I suspect they are jealous.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2018 06:50

You can’t let the judgey bastards rule how you feel. I know it’s easier said than done, but throughout life we are surrounded by people who want to score points and make judgements in order to feel superior/as if they’ve clawed something back.

Perhaps just a head tilt and reply “I guess we’re lucky that DS and I are so securely attached, and he and his dad have such an amazing relationship. It’s sad when kids don’t have that, isn’t it?” And ooze sympathy and pity at them. The fuckers. Grin

Booie09 · 23/10/2018 07:04

Sounds lovely...ignore them and take the time to enjoy the peace and quiet....it's quite sexist if the roles were reversed nobody would bat a eyelid.

Booie09 · 23/10/2018 07:07

I work in a school so get holidays off...I must be the worst mum ever because I leave my poor poor husband who can't look after himself to vist my family up north most holidays!!

Groovee · 23/10/2018 07:16

I can see why it gets you down. I'd turn round and retort something about dh being a capable parent and that they enjoy their time together.

My dh has never taken the children away but he has had to solo parent a few times due to hospital admissions and surgery and he's managed fine. Well apart from not understanding how to fill in a consent form for a school trip once. He had to call the ward to ask for my help over that one.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 23/10/2018 07:18

I'm absolutely certain I'm not the only person to have posted this, but just from reading the OP: this is envy. And people in the grip of envy like to try and destroy the thing they envy. Don't let them.

dulcefarniente · 23/10/2018 07:18

I would be dubious but only because I got taken for a mug. My exh used to take our dc away for a bonding weekend but it later emerged that the bonding was mainly going on with the OW who was also there with her own dc.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 23/10/2018 07:19

Yes, and absolutely (as per a PP) a need to be needed.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/10/2018 07:24

Well apart from not understanding how to fill in a consent form for a school trip once. He had to call the ward to ask for my help over that one

Grin

I once asked one woman what she’d do if they ever split with the children’s father and he took them abroad as he’s be entitled to do as their father? She just said she would find a way to stop him from doing it because she would never allow her child to be in a different country to her.

I don’t know why they seem to think I have the power to stop my husband taking our child away? If he started dictating to me what I could and couldn’t do with the children I would not be impressed so why would I do it to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/10/2018 07:26

My exh used to take our dc away for a bonding weekend but it later emerged that the bonding was mainly going on with the OW who was also there with her own dc.

Bloody hell - didn’t your children realise what was going on and tell you??

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 23/10/2018 07:30

How on earth do random colleagues and acquaintances know what the half term arrangements of your son and husband are, OP?

Probably because in the real world (as opposed to MN land) it is actually considered quite normal to engage in a bit of polite chit-chat with people who work with while you when you are hanging around the coffee machine or whatever. The OP was presumably answering a bland question about "Has your family got any plans over half-term" not engaging in an in-depth discussion about politics or sex. Unfortunately, there are always a few people who have to be rude, even about apparently innocuous subjects like holidays.

OP, I agree that these people are probably jealous. Jealous that your child gets to have extra lovely experiences and jealous that you get to enjoy a slightly quieter household with only one child in it!

My kid has taken holidays with her dad for up to 2.5 weeks at a time. Fabulous experiences for everyone concerned. Traveling is so good for kids.

Volant · 23/10/2018 07:31

I don't understand why you would rather consider stopping the holidays than stopping mentioning them to your colleagues.

Charley50 · 23/10/2018 07:32

My DS used to go to his dads for a few days at a time. People did frequently say 'ooh that must be so hard you must miss him so much,' which made me feel guilty as no, I didn't really miss him. I love him but was glad to get a break and happy he had a relationship with his dad.
Just give less info to colleagues or get a harder skin.

Bitlost · 23/10/2018 07:35

Why do you even engage with such idiots?

brookshelley · 23/10/2018 07:40

They sound jealous. I’m very looking forward to when my kids are old enough for me to leave DH and them with my in laws for a week while I have the house to myself Grin

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 07:41

Quite frankly you're living the dream.

I'd respond by telling them "I'm glad I'm secure and confident enough in my relationships to give them this time to bond - what does James do with Jamie for bonding?"