AIBU to ignore neighbours’ complaint?

[Zitouna]

We are currently living in a short term rental flat, while our house is being renovated. It was supposed to be for 6 months, but builders’ delays mean it will be 8 months by the time we move out (in 6 weeks).

We have a 7 month old baby - he’s had Colic, reflux, CMPA etc. Despite this he slept pretty well until 4 months. But these days he goes down reliably at 7, then has a couple of feeds overnight and screams when winding, as well as some crying wakings in between where we put the dummy in. For the past week or so those wakings have often led to prolonged howling, where nothing works to comfort him, for 1-2 hours (he’s got a cold, maybe teething).

Last week our downstairs neighbours (directly below) buzzed the flat to ask to come up for a chat one evening. I asked what about, and they said they were having disturbed nights because of the baby noise. I said that i was sorry and was doing my best to calm him, but there really wasn’t anything more I could do. Obviously we would prefer him to sleep through and that the crying kept us up too.

Neighbour replied that ‘they didn’t ask to have this inflicted on them’ and that they were having to go away this weekend ‘for some respite’. I asked whether she would like me to leave the flat overnight with the baby, as aside from that, there really wasn’t anything I could do. I told them we were moving out in 6 weeks. I said I didn’t see the point in their coming up to discuss it, and I would send my husband down to talk to them when he got home. In fact, he decided there was no point in talking to them about it, so we’ve both just ignored them and done nothing further.

I really can’t do anything to reduce the noise (there’s nowhere else in the flat that the cot can go apart from in our bedroom) unless anyone has a miracle baby sleep solution...

So...AIBU to completely ignore the neighbours now or should we communicate with them in some way? And AIBU to say there isn’t anything we can do about the noise? Fair to say that the situation has added to my sleep-deprived stress levels and made me feel even more rubbish...

@Zitouna sorry didn't see the updates.

I live in a flat and I work from home because I’m field based in my job and my one and only head office is 100 miles away, so it’s not like I can just go work somewhere else.

My neighbour downstairs has an 18 month old. He was actually pretty quiet as a baby, but the last few months he’s been screaming the place down at all hours of the day. It literally goes on for most of the day.
Absolutely drives me up the wall. And my young neighbour just screams at him to “shut the fuck up” and other lovely similar sentences. I’ve actually got to the point where I’m concerned about the child’s welfare!

I don’t blame the child because it’s not his fault. Kids cry. But it sure would be nice if my neighbour at least made the effort to come and speak to me to apologise for the noise and made efforts to try and calm her child (clearly from my what my ears hear she doesn’t just yells at him). I’d at least feel like she gave a shit!

I understand it must be tough. But I agree with PP’s that your DH should’ve at least gone down to chat to them as you’d told them he would. There’s been some good suggestions here you can try aswell, which is great. I do think you owe your neighbours a conversation however. Explain what you’re dealing with yourself and that you’re going to try a few things that have been suggested to you to see if it helps. And remind them you’re leaving in 6 weeks. They may be more tolerant if you talk to them about it.

Otherwise buy them some earplugs and a vibrating wrist alarm . I did this prior to my neighbour having a child when she was making horrific noise with parties and loud music etc. It was the only way I could get any sleep and make sure I woke up for work!

browneyes

If she’s shouting that at her child
You should be calling social services

God if I was your neighbour, you had treated me so inconsiderately and your child had been screaming for hours on end for weeks on end I would be calling social services on you and doing whatever to make your life as equally hellish as you made theirs with the baby screaming.

What a cunt you are. Honestly. Calling SS to get back at someone doing their best to quieten their child, just to make their life difficult?!? when SS are overstretched as it is?!? Jesus fucking Christ that People
Like you exist in this world 😱😱😱😱

@browneyes77 I had a neighbour who shouted and swore at her 4 year old when telling her off. Social Services were called but the mother still didn't stop, so her landlord evicted her as soon as he could as the mother's behaviour was distressing everyone who heard it. Oh and the 4 year old only cried when the mother told her off for doing normal 4 year old things like waking up early, playing and singing. Compared to the mother's outbursts the child was very quiet.

If she’s shouting that at her child
You should be calling social services

Believe me it has crossed my mind at times because I get concerned for the child’s welfare. Then I’ll see her outside with him and he seems fine and happy. Never quite 100% sure whether I should or not!

It does concern me though.

I had a neighbour who shouted and swore at her 4 year old when telling her off. Social Services were called but the mother still didn't stop, so her landlord evicted her as soon as he could as the mother's behaviour was distressing everyone who heard it. Oh and the 4 year old only cried when the mother told her off for doing normal 4 year old things like waking up early, playing and singing. Compared to the mother's outbursts the child was very quiet.

He seems a lovely little boy, I do feel sorry for him that he has her as a mother. I do wonder whether it’s her behaviour that’s making him cry so much.

Nightmare situation you are in. Are you sure there isnt anything else bothering your baby as he seems to be very fretful for a lot of the time. Would definitely speak with neighbours and ask if they have any suggestions as you are at a loss yourselves on how to get some sleep. Also remind them you will be leaving soon. Be prepared for them to be edgy but stay calm. Good luck in your move back to your home.

Screaming for 1-2 hours is beyond expected baby noise and ultimately your responsibility to bear, OP. Neighbours sound at the end of their tether if they are having to go away for a weekend to escape.

I don’t see why you can’t take the baby to the kitchen for those screamy hours. When dd was small and in our room, dh or I would take her off into the lounge to settle if she was crying, so that the other one of us could get more sleep.

You need to be more socially aware and you should not have ignored your neighbours attempts to talk to you. What if they have really responsible jobs where people depend on them and are too exhausted to function properly? They will be counting the days down over the next 6 weeks!

Do you pick him up when he cries, or try and soothe him while he’s in his crib? My son had silent reflex and a milk allergy and it hurt him to lie down. He was only happy when he was upright. Have you tried raising the head end of his crib so the acid doesn’t rise to his throat (I bet you do all of this already...). We co-slept in the end.

I think you’re both in the right, you and your neighbour. Sleep deprivation is awful. They are right to be annoyed. But he is a baby. Babies cry.

I’d send a nice note, some earplugs and chocs for sure.

Wow, some of the attitudes on this thread are awful

YABU not to talk to your neighbours face to face. 1 to 2 hours of a screaming baby is not usual baby noise that some people would expect and must be very disturbing for them as well as you. They may have little experience with babies and going round for a chat and explaining all you are doing to solve the issue might diffuse the situation even if it can't make it better.

Poor you, sounds awful for you and them and your poor baby!
Someone earlier suggested moving to the living room. It’s winter now, so the light shouldn’t be keeping baby awake (unless you are talking about street lights?). I would hang a blanket over the curtains for now to block the light. Or,clothes on hangers over the curtains (I have resorted to this when abroad before!!). I would tell them that’s what you will do and it will shut them up because, ultimately, you are trying something new and there is nothing else you can do about it! They actually sound like they are reasonable people. They have waited until the end of their tether before talking to you and it doesn’t sound like they were abusive in any way. Sleep really does affect everyone and I think the “fuck em” attitude many on here display is unhelpful.

YABU not to talk to your neighbours face to face.

Nope. She is dealing with a crying baby full time and not getting any sleep, she has enough to deal with even without neighborhood diplomacy. Let's remember that the DP, who was out, was asked to go and speak to the neighbours but didn't. But yeah, go ahead and blame the mother ...

They are both to blame TidyLike. The neighbours are also dealing with lack of sleep and whatever other issues they have going on in their lives, and they are entitled to have a polite request for a chat about the situation responded to in a civil manner.
For all the OP knows one of them may have an illness, or be going through a difficult period, but because she feels she shouldn't have to talk with them, she has no idea what they're going through and they have no idea of what she is dealing with.

Effectively slamming doors in the face of neighbours hoping to resolve an issue in a polite and co-operative way is rude and childish.

Your partner should go and speak with them as agreed just so as not to be rude. Reiterate that you are trying your best and ask if they have any suggestions (what can they say to that?) and hand over some ear plugs. It is awful of them to be rude about it but try to remember that they are probably as sleep deprived as you are, but unlike you they are not sleep deprived over a new baby that they love

They haven't been rude. If anyone's been rude it's the OP and her partner.

And surely the partner should go and speak to them with an open mind, in order to try and find a solution, not with the mindset that whatever they say, they're wrong and he's not going to really listen to them.

To be honest they've been a lot more polite than I'd have been.

You have my sympathy - at the peak of my daughters reflux / CMPA, she was waking every 45 mins and then screaming for 2 hours before exhaustedly falling asleep and it all stated again 45 mins later. Maybe you could put a box of chocolates or flowers on their doorstep with a card saying sorry but explaining your baby is unwell and you are doing your best to keep them quiet at night? Otherwise, just ignore them. You have enough on your plate by the sound of it!

Do WHATEVER you have to do to shut it up
The OP has already tried everything she can think of. Some babies do just cry no matter what you do and it’s horrible. I had a crier and if I could have stopped her I would have as it was it nearly gave me a breakdown. At least as the neighbour you an wear ear plugs.

Please don't 'just ignore them' OP. That is very bad advice.

The OP appears to have left the thread and I'm not surprised. There have been some very unkind comments. She's clearly exhausted and sleep deprived and just couldn't face the neighbours. She actually said she would take the baby into the living room, and it's clear she does feel bad but just feels helpless.

It's true that it would have helped if her DP had gone to speak to them to smooth things over, which he could still do, preferably with a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine.

Some of the comments have been horrible, like the poster saying they should do whatever they had to do to shut IT up. I notice that poster has not come back to explain just what they meant. 

I don't think the OP needs to spend money on her neighbours. She's doing the best she can with a baby that cries. That's not her fault. In fact, it sounds like she's done everything she can think of and then some to stop the crying. And the most distressed person in this entire scenario, besides the poor baby, is the OP herself. No one likes their babies to be in distress!

When did people become so horrible about babies? I guarantee that everyone criticising the OP was once a crying baby themselves, and people had to be tolerant/put up with it/find a way to cope because it's how people start out.

Legally the OP and her DP owe her neighbours nothing so she can ignore them. If she wasn't moving out then it would be worth talking to the neighbours if she had wanted to remain living in the property as the landlord could evict her.

The neighbours can complain to environmental health and social services but won't get anywhere

Very few people on this thread have been 'horrible about babies'. But many people feel the OP and her husband should have done the neighbours the courtesy of talking to them. Simply by talking to people on this thread, the OP has been encouraged to try a few solutions that she wouldn't have thought about herself.

"Legally the OP and her DP owe her neighbours nothing so she can ignore them."

That kind of sums up what's wrong with society today.

"I guarantee that everyone criticising the OP was once a crying baby themselves, and people had to be tolerant/put up with it/find a way to cope because it's how people start out."

I guarantee my parents would not have refused to discuss the issue with the neighbours. In fact, they'd probably have ended up good friends, with the neighbours offering to babysit and give them a break, because my parents actually spoke to people and engaged with them.

I guarantee that everyone criticising the OP was once a crying baby themselves, and people had to be tolerant/put up with it/find a way to cope because it's how people start out.

There's a difference between the average baby crying with the occasional screaming fit and a baby who has, for the last couple of weeks, had bouts of "prolonged howling" for up to two hours at a time.

My DD cried and I'm sure my neighbours heard her cry occasionally but they never complained because it was in the "normal range. If she had howled for hours on end I would not have been surprised if a neighbour had approached me about the noise level.