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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ignore neighbours’ complaint?

242 replies

Zitouna · 21/10/2018 19:29

We are currently living in a short term rental flat, while our house is being renovated. It was supposed to be for 6 months, but builders’ delays mean it will be 8 months by the time we move out (in 6 weeks).

We have a 7 month old baby - he’s had Colic, reflux, CMPA etc. Despite this he slept pretty well until 4 months. But these days he goes down reliably at 7, then has a couple of feeds overnight and screams when winding, as well as some crying wakings in between where we put the dummy in. For the past week or so those wakings have often led to prolonged howling, where nothing works to comfort him, for 1-2 hours (he’s got a cold, maybe teething).

Last week our downstairs neighbours (directly below) buzzed the flat to ask to come up for a chat one evening. I asked what about, and they said they were having disturbed nights because of the baby noise. I said that i was sorry and was doing my best to calm him, but there really wasn’t anything more I could do. Obviously we would prefer him to sleep through and that the crying kept us up too.

Neighbour replied that ‘they didn’t ask to have this inflicted on them’ and that they were having to go away this weekend ‘for some respite’. I asked whether she would like me to leave the flat overnight with the baby, as aside from that, there really wasn’t anything I could do. I told them we were moving out in 6 weeks. I said I didn’t see the point in their coming up to discuss it, and I would send my husband down to talk to them when he got home. In fact, he decided there was no point in talking to them about it, so we’ve both just ignored them and done nothing further.

I really can’t do anything to reduce the noise (there’s nowhere else in the flat that the cot can go apart from in our bedroom) unless anyone has a miracle baby sleep solution...

So...AIBU to completely ignore the neighbours now or should we communicate with them in some way? And AIBU to say there isn’t anything we can do about the noise? Fair to say that the situation has added to my sleep-deprived stress levels and made me feel even more rubbish...

OP posts:
Twinningmum · 22/10/2018 12:15

Soubriquet what if your twins had additional needs/health problems? Yes, oh so entitled to use the room they feel most comfortable in... This is the problem with society today. Instant gratification thanks to technology and now people want to act like babies have off buttons! Halo

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 12:19

No Twinningroom but if that was the case and it was explained to a neighbour it could help defuse a situation.

You're acting as if you live in a bubble and no one should speak to your or question anything or expect explanations for noise or disturbance or any discussion around the matter.

Jaxhog · 22/10/2018 12:19

Would it stop them hearing the baby if you went into another room? If so then you should do it
Buy new curtains if you have to.

The baby disturbing you is one thing. it was your choice to have the babe. It wasn't theirs. From their comments, I'm guessing the babe is screaming for a long time, not just for a bit. You need to do more so the screaming is at least reduced.

Puddingmama2017 · 22/10/2018 12:24

I’m sorry but I feel you’re doing everything you can to calm your baby under trying circumstances.

If I was your neighbour, instead of having a pop at you I’d ask if I could help in some way.

Twinningmum · 22/10/2018 12:24

Yes I agree it could help diffuse the situation but it could also make the neighbour feel more "right" about their position and get even more angry about the crying. It's a crappy situation regardless because you don't know how the neighbour will react. I know nice people will probably act understanding, but some mean people could use it as an excuse to have another confrontation. It's a 50/50 chance imo.

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 12:27

Why would it make the neighbour feel 'more right' about the situation. You're acting as if every conversation has to be a confrontation, with a winner and a loser. Lots of neighbours, including the OPs I suspect, simply want to discuss difficult situations and try to find a solution that minimises hassle on all sides.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/10/2018 12:31

I also think from what the neighbours have said the crying is more than the OP is admitting.

Twinningmum · 22/10/2018 12:44

I'm going by the experience of when I was flying to the states. I tried to explain to the lady in front of my twins that I was sorry about any noise and I would try to keep my twins from being a bother. Did the whole thing of trying to make a joke of it and being friendly. Rather than her accept that, she basically just yelled at me about my boys (who were actually well behaved apart from take off/landing) and would turn around/stare at us/vocalise how upset she was if my boys did anything. It felt intimidating, so I hope OP's neighbour is not like that. Some people just love confrontation, especially with parents who they feel aren't turning the child "off' so they can pretend to live in a childless world. It really just depends on the person.

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 12:50

But just because you had one bad experience Twinning doesn't mean that any neighbour seeking to discuss an issue is going to be rude and intimidating. It is not fair to refuse to discuss an issue with a neighbour who had simply asked to have a chat about it, after tolerating it for several months.
Even knowing that the OP is moving out in a few weeks might have helped them to deal with the disturbance.

Twinningmum · 22/10/2018 12:54

I agree, not every neighbour will be confrontational but I would be a bit anxious about the ones who will be confrontational. As someone who has dealt with it, there's really nothing but aggravation and a fear that you don't know how far the neighbour will take their anger.

AngeloMysterioso · 22/10/2018 12:58

Why is that the baby's problem if they have mental health issues?

Why is it the neighbour’s problem if the OPs baby won’t stop screaming?

I used to live in a flat below a woman who was “sleep training” her toddler. The kid used to scream her head off in the middle of the night because she wanted to get in bed with her Mum, and my neighbour would basically ignore her. It ruined my sleep for weeks to the point where I underperformed at work because I was so exhausted (it was an entirely KPI driven job) and because I was still on probation they let me go. The neighbour didn’t care because she only worked part time, she could take the kid to nursery in the morning, go home and go back to bed.

OP it was astonishingly rude of you to not even do your neighbours the courtesy of speaking to them face to face about it, and then for your husband not to bother going down to see them after you’d said he would. If you can move your baby to another room and just stick up some blackout blinds then that’s what you should already be doing. You signed up for the sleepless nights when you chose to have a baby. Your neighbours didn’t.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/10/2018 12:59

I don't think these neighbours sound confrontational at all, they asked if they could come and have a chat for a start. Confrontational would be banging on the door and kicking off.

Northernlass99 · 22/10/2018 13:05

I feel for them. And you. Having experienced problems in the past I have found it is always easier to deal with neighbour noise and live as part of a community if you know people and understand where they are coming from. You and DH could go down with the baby, take a box of choccies, have a chat, let them coo over the baby a bit, apologies, re-iterate you are moving in six weeks etc. They would be more likely to be understanding. Will make it easier for everyone, especially if it ends up getting extended again.

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 13:18

Twinning if you go through life with the attitude that any neighbour wanting to discuss anything with you is going to be confrontational and aggressive you're going to be a right PITA to live next door to.

Vixxxy · 22/10/2018 13:27

What exactly do you think the relevant authorities will do?

Obviously advise the parents to shut the child up by any means necessary Hmm

Twinningmum · 22/10/2018 13:30

justfloatingpast I feel like that comment is a bit aggressive to me just saying my opinion/experience. I never said all neighbours would do that, but some might do that. I have taken the initiaitive before to apologise as I have indicated about any noise my children may make, and it didn't go great. If you want to call me a PITA and attack me, then I guess you're kind of just proving my point.

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 13:46

Apologies Twinning. I wasn't actually saying you are a PITA, I was saying if you go through life with the attitude that any approach from a neighbour re a problem is them being confrontational and possibly aggressive, then you're going to be a PITA to live beside.

But I can see how I expressed that badly.

easternedge · 22/10/2018 14:59

@Vixxxy

Not sure if you're serious or being sarcastic?

Vixxxy · 22/10/2018 15:06

Sorry, my reply was sarcastic, and because of replies like this

YOU chose to have a child. Do WHATEVER you have to do to shut it up so as not to entirely destroy your neighbours sleeping patterns

Sounds a bit sinister, tbh. Do whatever you have to do...to shut up a crying baby.

Jacqs290618 · 22/10/2018 17:41

Omg, f__k them! What on Earth do they expect you to do about it?!
Tough titty for them living in a flat, suggest they move somewhere where there are no other ppl around to disturb them. Who do these people think they are?
Poor you, ignore them.

BlueUggs · 22/10/2018 17:55

I'd buy them a bottle of wine and some ear plugs with an apology card and say in it that you're moving out soon....

Ravenesque · 22/10/2018 18:01

When my neighbour had her young son who is now five he was in their bedroom which shares a wall with my bedroom. He cried. A lot. For months.

She apologised for the crying. I told her, as just about any decent human being would, not to worry about it. He was a baby, babies cry, some more than others. It's a fact of life and you just have to deal with it especially if you live in flats.

You talked to them and they know the situation, I'd definitely ignore them and look forward to your new home where you'll be before you know it. In the meantime I hope he settles a little, the poor lamb.

svalentine60 · 22/10/2018 18:03

Sorry but as a mother myself i think they are being very reasonable. They politely came up to let you know of the problem and they are right in that they did not ask for it to be inflicted on them. I don't know what the answer is but i do know that ignoring the problem will make it worse and is unfair on them.

RockYourSocksOff · 22/10/2018 18:10

My NDN were awful when Ds was a baby! He also suffered from colic and reflux.

When he cried in the evenings they would turn the tv up to max, bang on walls, etc

Our relationship never really fully recovered from this and during the terrible twos he (and us) suffered with night terrors. Bloody awful time. They contacted SS. Stating they were concerned about a distressed child. At this point they were still banging on walls and turning the tv up to Max, so not that concerned. Luckily nothing came of it as I had an amazing health visitor but boy, stressful time all round. I have sympathy for anyone who finds themselves in this position.

anniehm · 22/10/2018 18:13

It's tricky all round, yes babies cry but it's their home and quiet at nighttime is not an unreasonable request especially as admitted here it wasn't a one off. We have a dd with asd so meltdowns are a problem (even in adulthood though rarer) so we moved to a detached property asap it's a lot better for my mental health as I know we aren't disturbing the neighbours (I know in some areas this sounds extravagant but you can buy a detached for under £200k here and by living in a less good neighbourhood we managed it)