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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ignore neighbours’ complaint?

242 replies

Zitouna · 21/10/2018 19:29

We are currently living in a short term rental flat, while our house is being renovated. It was supposed to be for 6 months, but builders’ delays mean it will be 8 months by the time we move out (in 6 weeks).

We have a 7 month old baby - he’s had Colic, reflux, CMPA etc. Despite this he slept pretty well until 4 months. But these days he goes down reliably at 7, then has a couple of feeds overnight and screams when winding, as well as some crying wakings in between where we put the dummy in. For the past week or so those wakings have often led to prolonged howling, where nothing works to comfort him, for 1-2 hours (he’s got a cold, maybe teething).

Last week our downstairs neighbours (directly below) buzzed the flat to ask to come up for a chat one evening. I asked what about, and they said they were having disturbed nights because of the baby noise. I said that i was sorry and was doing my best to calm him, but there really wasn’t anything more I could do. Obviously we would prefer him to sleep through and that the crying kept us up too.

Neighbour replied that ‘they didn’t ask to have this inflicted on them’ and that they were having to go away this weekend ‘for some respite’. I asked whether she would like me to leave the flat overnight with the baby, as aside from that, there really wasn’t anything I could do. I told them we were moving out in 6 weeks. I said I didn’t see the point in their coming up to discuss it, and I would send my husband down to talk to them when he got home. In fact, he decided there was no point in talking to them about it, so we’ve both just ignored them and done nothing further.

I really can’t do anything to reduce the noise (there’s nowhere else in the flat that the cot can go apart from in our bedroom) unless anyone has a miracle baby sleep solution...

So...AIBU to completely ignore the neighbours now or should we communicate with them in some way? And AIBU to say there isn’t anything we can do about the noise? Fair to say that the situation has added to my sleep-deprived stress levels and made me feel even more rubbish...

OP posts:
AmazingGrace16 · 21/10/2018 20:26

Ignore them
Babies cry. You're moving in 6 weeks!!!

SausageOnAFork · 21/10/2018 20:26

I hate neighbour noise. I get extremely stressed by it, however it’s unnecessary noise that stresses me. However annoying a crying baby is there is always a parent trying their best to stop it.

Mintyraindrop · 21/10/2018 20:26

Put yourself in your neighbours shoes, it won't be fun for them being repeatedly woken up by someone else's crying baby, especially if you have to get up for work in the morning? It must be stressing them out if they've complained to you about it. I'd move to another room until the baby was settled back to sleep.

RibenaMonsoon · 21/10/2018 20:27

It's a crappy situation but unfortunately babies don't come with a mute button.

All you can do is sympathise, apologise and reassure them that you are doing everything you can to help settle the baby but unfortunately there is no on/off switch for the crying. There isn't much you can do otherwise.

I agree that a note with some choccies might be a nice gesture.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2018 20:29

However annoying a crying baby is there is always a parent trying their best to stop it

If only that was true, thr world would be a much better place.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 20:30

My noisy neighbours had a baby. Trust me, a baby crying is much easier to listen to than loud sex and loud arguing!

This type of noise can’t be helped, you can’t turn the baby down.

Ignore them.

MeteorMedow · 21/10/2018 20:30

It’s a tough one but really the issue lays with the crappy building quality in the Uk.
In some countries terraces/apartments legally have to be soundproofed to a certain level but not here in Blighty.

Your neighbours are entitled to a decent nights sleep and were that noise coming from anything other than an infant this would be totally and utterly unreasonable.

Personally I don’t think it’s fair to inflict any persistent disturbing noise on neighbours (no not even an infant) but there’s very little you can do. At the end of the day it’s not their baby and they dont deserve to be kept up every night 🤔

Gwenhwyfar · 21/10/2018 20:32

Is there anything you or the landlord can do to make the noise travel less. Putting down carpets and having more textiles around is said to muffle noise a bit.

tolerable · 21/10/2018 20:33

earplugs

DerelictWreck · 21/10/2018 20:34

I sympathise but I think you were very unreasonable to have that conversation through an intercom, say no to talking to them and then for your DH to not go and speak with them when you said he would. No it's not fun being woken up by a baby when you it's parents but it's horrible being woken up by neighbours and their noise. The least you could do considering you can't change anything is hear them out and be civil and neighbourly, not rude.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 20:35

If you want to improve relations, you send a note with a bottle of wine and ear plugs! Keep it jokey, at least they can get drunk or block out the noise, you have the intense stress of trying to calm a sick baby.

Or ignore them.

MeteorMedow · 21/10/2018 20:35

It’s also worth remembering that ‘they should just shut up and get on with it- it’s a baby’ maybe wouldn’t seem so clear cut if one of those neighbours was a surgeon going into work and having to opperate on people after a week of barely any sleep.

TidyLike · 21/10/2018 20:36

YANBU. You even offered to leave your home overnight! Since they didn't take you up on that, maybe they were satisfied just to have their grievance heard sympathetically. If they complain again I would suggest saying something like, 'What solution would you propose?' I can sympathise with them for their lack of sleep but really, I can't see what you could do beyond what you've already done.

AutumnEvenings · 21/10/2018 20:40

Silicone earplugs are the best ones I tried when on night duty.

DeadCertain · 21/10/2018 20:41

I'd go for a chat and take a token gift like a box of chocolates. I used to live next door to a woman with a baby who cried at night a great deal at a time in my life when I was working really ridiculous hours and wasn't home long enough to get sufficient sleep as it was and the constant disturbance of what I could get was very, very stressful and exhausting.

I felt for her because I am sure she would have much preferred a restful night too but also felt fed up! I didn't complain as it would have been pointless but it did have a large impact on me.

I'd go down, have a chat and say that you appreciate your neighbours' point of view and that you are doing all that you can to keep disturbance to a minimum.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 21/10/2018 20:42

I feel sorry for you. Since becoming a mum I find that other people's children do not disturb me at all. I hear crying, feel for the parent, and go back to sleep.

The only thing I can think is that they might be under the impression that you are leaving him to cry. I would be really upset to be living, even for a short time, with neighbours who are cross with me. In your shoes I would put a note through the door with some Poundland ear plugs, a bar of a chocolate and tell them that you are doing all you can - pacing the floor etc etc - and you appreciate that they are being disturbed but at are at a loss to know what else you can do to help.

MrsVoleTheVet · 21/10/2018 20:47

I seem to be in the minority here, but I would absolutely move into another room if it lessens the noise, and did so all the time when my babies were up in the night. I decided to have a baby, the neighbours didnt!

It's only six weeks, why not buy a gro-blind and set up the sitting room with the cot/prom whatever, to be courteous to your neighbours? I also used to have a good DVD in the player ready, watched in silence with subtitles just so I had something else to focus on.

You have my sympathy OP, it's a trying phase Flowers

MrsVoleTheVet · 21/10/2018 20:47

*pram

Assuming you have one that is flat/comfy etc

freddiethegreat · 21/10/2018 20:49

My neighbours (we are end terrace) complained repeatedly, both pleasantly & unpleasantly, about noise when my teenage son (SEN) had a meltdown, or they heard raised voices. From their perspective they absolutely had a point & I did try. At one stage, I remember biting the cushion on the sofa to stop myself screaming/shouting when he twisted my arm. We took flowers, we both wrote apologies etc. But once he’s in meltdown, he’s in meltdown - and at that stage it was bad. Eventually they complained to the Environmental Health Officer and she wrote to me. So I rang her & gave her a list of all the professionals, including Children’s Social Care, involved. I was polite and friendly enough, but I did point out a) that it worked two ways as their toddler could be heard through the wall at night, but also, b) that I and all the professionals were doing everything we could, it was no fun for me or even for him, so if either the neighbours or the EHO could tell me what else to try, I’d happily take their advice. The EHO fell over herself to explain she hadn’t realised & of course she understood & there would be no further action, clearly.

So then I was less stressed. And so was he. And funnily (not) the issues got better. Never heard from anyone re noise again. It’s nearly a year since then & the neighbours & we are quite civil now! Almost friendly ...

sonyaya · 21/10/2018 20:49

This is tricky all round. It’s not your fault but equally it is really shitty for them.

In the interests of good neighbourly relations and recognition of the fact that your child is disturbing them considerably (albeit through no fault of your own) I would agree an apologetic note explaining you’re doing all you can and a box of chocolates is a good idea.

Hope it improves for you soon Flowers

feeona123 · 21/10/2018 20:50

Having been in the same situation as them I know how shit it is. We lived in a flat with paper thin walls and floors, every time the baby woke I woke too!

Can you move to a different room so your not above the bedroom when the baby is crying?

freddiethegreat · 21/10/2018 20:51

My point being, I guess that a) you can’t help it & the EHO would recognise that and b) this too will pass. Wine & earplugs might be an idea.

Original poster
Zitouna · 21/10/2018 20:53

I’ll give it a go taking him into the living room.

I don’t think I could make it through a chat with the neighbour - I sobbed for a half hour after she spoke to me (partly hormones and lack of sleep of course, and already feeling like a shit parent that can’t comfort their baby, but also she was just so mean...).

I could stick a note through the door though. I did say all of the things already... but I suppose politeness does no harm (as well as quietly wishing that if they ever have a kid it NEVER sleeps).

OP posts:
Daisysandjohnsmum · 21/10/2018 20:54

I think you've been unreasonable by not doing more to try to minimise their sleep disruption.

Rudgie47 · 21/10/2018 20:56

What about asking the Dr or health visitor if theres anything you can give him to calm him down. He shouldn't be screaming all the time. I'd take him to be checked over.
Its difficult for you and the neighbours. If I was told you were moving in a few weeks I'd get on with it. Otherwize if it was longer I'd soundproof my room.

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