AIBU to ignore neighbours’ complaint?

[Zitouna]

We are currently living in a short term rental flat, while our house is being renovated. It was supposed to be for 6 months, but builders’ delays mean it will be 8 months by the time we move out (in 6 weeks).

We have a 7 month old baby - he’s had Colic, reflux, CMPA etc. Despite this he slept pretty well until 4 months. But these days he goes down reliably at 7, then has a couple of feeds overnight and screams when winding, as well as some crying wakings in between where we put the dummy in. For the past week or so those wakings have often led to prolonged howling, where nothing works to comfort him, for 1-2 hours (he’s got a cold, maybe teething).

Last week our downstairs neighbours (directly below) buzzed the flat to ask to come up for a chat one evening. I asked what about, and they said they were having disturbed nights because of the baby noise. I said that i was sorry and was doing my best to calm him, but there really wasn’t anything more I could do. Obviously we would prefer him to sleep through and that the crying kept us up too.

Neighbour replied that ‘they didn’t ask to have this inflicted on them’ and that they were having to go away this weekend ‘for some respite’. I asked whether she would like me to leave the flat overnight with the baby, as aside from that, there really wasn’t anything I could do. I told them we were moving out in 6 weeks. I said I didn’t see the point in their coming up to discuss it, and I would send my husband down to talk to them when he got home. In fact, he decided there was no point in talking to them about it, so we’ve both just ignored them and done nothing further.

I really can’t do anything to reduce the noise (there’s nowhere else in the flat that the cot can go apart from in our bedroom) unless anyone has a miracle baby sleep solution...

So...AIBU to completely ignore the neighbours now or should we communicate with them in some way? And AIBU to say there isn’t anything we can do about the noise? Fair to say that the situation has added to my sleep-deprived stress levels and made me feel even more rubbish...

Your neighbour is being unreasonable. Babies cry. It is hard. But adults can put in ear plugs. Babies have no other outlet for discomfort or sadness but to cry.

I lived next door to a crying baby when I was on final teaching practice and really needed my sleep. I wanted to cry I was so tired.

Your neighbour doesn’t sound like she was being mean, she has a problem with the noise and wanted to talk to you face to face, like a grown up. If she’d written you a note you wouldn’t have liked that either.

I would see if putting the baby in another room helps. After all, you want a solution as much as your neighbour.

You shouldn’t live in a flat if you can’t cope with unavoided noise. A baby crying ffs. If you have said you are doing everything what do they want. IGNORE.

To be fair to the neighbour the OP says its a prolonged howling for 1-2 hours which isnt just crying.

OP I think you could have handled it better - saying there is nothing you can do is unfair, you then said you were not going to talk about it and you would send your husband down and then decided to ignore it.

Trouble is I see it from both sides yes its hard 4 them but it is 4u 2!
I use earphones when this happens.

And as for buying them chocolates? No way! They should buy you chocolates and apologise for intruding in such a manner. It must have been very intimidating for you having to deal with that on top of your baby crying. Shame on them as a matter of fact.

If you're moving out soon anyway, I would really try not to worry about it.

On another note, I had a neighbour who lived below me. Complained that my DC (who was 1 at the time) made too much noise and that he expected quiet by 8pm every night because he had to be up early.

But it was ok for him to stink out the whole stair with weed and I couldn't open the window without it wafting in Thankfully they moved.

I have mixed feelings about this - on one hand it’s awful to listen to a baby crying and noisy neighbours etc but on the other, if you are doing everything you can I don’t see what more they want? A baby isn’t comparable to loud music as you can switch loud music off! However it’s unreasonable of you not to have talked to them. When DS was born it was a heatwave but I kept the windows shut so his crying didn’t upset the neighbours, but I do think if they had actually complained or been bothered it would’ve annoyed me as I was doing everything within my power to stop any crying. Perhaps they do not realise that you are trying your best, as some parents do sleep training (unbelievably selfish for the neighbours). It’s a bit like when you’re in a cafe and a baby is crying - I don’t find it anywhere near as annoying if the mother is trying to soothe them, whereas if the mother is just ignoring it, i get the rage.

I haven't read all the way through, but have you tried giving your ds chamomilla? All my dc had colic, reflux, etc and this worked like magic for them - even for teething. I used Weleda drops in a tiny bit of water on a Calpol spoon. It generally worked within 30 seconds! I only know of one baby it didn't work for ... Haven't tried it on colds, but it had the most amazing calming effect (on parents too!). Maybe worth a try for everyone's sanity? Best of luck, op.

As an insomniac this would do my head in, once I'm woken up, that's goodbye to any sleep for the rest of the night.

The neighbours tried to talk to you about it in a civilised way and you wouldn't even open the door to them, you fobbed them off with a promise you failed to keep. There's a solution which might help, ie putting him to sleep in a room that would minimise the effect on them but you won't try it.

An apology, a civilised conversation like adults and a bottle of wine is the least you could do.

You're not there for long so don't worry about it. You've said all you could on the matter and the main point is you will be moving out as soon as you possibly can. That's probably the best news they could hope for in the circumstances - they should be happy now.
When my eldest daughter was a newborn I was kept awake by a very elderly lady who lived in the flat above us and was blind and losing her hearing. She had her radio on at random times throughout the night very loudly - she was so lonely and afraid that she used the radio to stop her getting scared. Sometimes I was just sobbing with frustration as I was so exhausted but I knew the poor lady was not meaning to disturb me.

YANBU.
Having lived next door to barking dogs, shouters, drug dealers and noisy sex addicts, I'd take a crying baby anytime. Babies grow out of it!
They could spend £2 on earplugs!

YABU not to talk to them properly about it. You chose to have a baby, they didn't. The least you can do is be polite to them.

Would co sleeping be an option to limit the crying?

No advice or help for you here but I feel bad for our downstairs neighbours, our middle child screams as her standard reaction to anything from happiness to pain and the baby is silent. But with 3 of them banging about overhead I’m aware we make quite a racket. To the point they came and knocked on our door at 11.30 one Thursday night to tell us to be quiet as our party was preventing them from sleeping. 11.30 on a Thursday night in the school week when my son had to get up the next morning, daughter too and baby as well. My husband has a manual job and is exhausted most evenings and goes to bed by 10. And we have a dog. So they woke the dog with their knocking who in turn woke my husband, me and all 3 children. None of whom amanged to get back to sleep for another hour. They never even said sorry as it was pretty clear (when DH opened the door in his pants yawning and rubbing his eyes) that we weren’t having a party. And the volume of screaming whilst we tried to settle them all back to sleep was quite spectacular!

Neighbours, odd lot I say!

You're not there for long so don't worry about it.

These posts are really irritating. OP is there for SIX more weeks. Six weeks of being woken by your neighbours every night and listening to a screaming baby for hours. Fuck that.

OP you can spray a little water on the windows and tin foil will then stick to them and form a very cheap make-shift blackout blind if you don't want to spend money on new curtains or blinds for your livingroom and kitchen.

Lack of sleep is really tough. My DD had CMPA too and it felt lìke she never slept and constantly screamed. It took DH and I to the edge! I do feel for you neighbours though, it must be impacting them too if the decided to complain, and it isn't their baby.

If you're a bit scared of confrontation (like me!) I would leave a bottle of wine, some ear plugs and a note by her door, just saying sorry if you came across as rude before and that you will be doing your best/taking DD into another room in future and that she is in pain because of her CMPA, and reiterating that you will be out in 6 wks.

Have you tried baby products for colic and teething? Feel for all of you but as long as you do all you can then at the end of the day this is a baby not a pet that you can and should keep quiet

Buy Gina Ford?

As for the neighbours, you can only explain to them that you're trying and it's really shit for you too. Buy them ear plugs and a bottle of wine.

I don’t understand why people “suffer from no sleep” when it’s easier to pop some earplugs in expect a baby to stop crying.
No it’s not nice I’ve been in both positions. Sometimes there are solutions like swapping rooms etc but sometimes there isn’t. Why would you suffer with no sleep rather than use earplugs is beyond me!!

You told them through the intercom there was no point in discussing it. You said your husband would call to see them and he didn’t. Your baby is routinely keeping them awake to the point they felt it necessary to speak to you about it.
And you ask if yabu.

Fucks sake peoples attitudes on here are just plain shitty. The selfishness of people who think that because THEY decided to have a child everyone else should just out up with the screaming and crying!?

God if I was your neighbour, you had treated me so inconsiderately and your child had been screaming for hours on end for weeks on end I would be calling social services on you and doing whatever to make your life as equally hellish as you made theirs with the baby screaming.

YOU chose to have a child. Do WHATEVER you have to do to shut it up so as not to entirely destroy your neighbours sleeping patterns

I'm rather shocked by this statement. What methods are you advocating to shut up a baby who has colic and is crying because of this? Pillow over the head, a good shaking, drugs??? Obviously not, I hope?? It's a baby, they do cry!!

The OP actually does feel bad about it, and she said she would try moving her baby to the living room. I suspect she's at the end of her tether and out of ideas.

So you would call social services? Knowing that it was not a neglect case or a child in danger? Our overstretched and underfunded social services. A child could die while they are having their time wasted by you not getting a kip when you could buy ear plugs. Fucks sake and you call the op selfish

Although I do agree that her DH should have gone down to talk to the neighbours like they said he was going to do. They haven't handled this as well as they could have done.

It makes me very grateful that I don't live in a flat anymore. It's much easier in a detached house.

@Zitouna clearly they don't have kids of their own right? Honestly you've apologised already and there's not much you can do about a crying baby.

Have you considered safe co-sleeping, white noise or other sleep soothing techniques to help baby settle?