AIBU to ignore neighbours’ complaint?

[Zitouna]

We are currently living in a short term rental flat, while our house is being renovated. It was supposed to be for 6 months, but builders’ delays mean it will be 8 months by the time we move out (in 6 weeks).

We have a 7 month old baby - he’s had Colic, reflux, CMPA etc. Despite this he slept pretty well until 4 months. But these days he goes down reliably at 7, then has a couple of feeds overnight and screams when winding, as well as some crying wakings in between where we put the dummy in. For the past week or so those wakings have often led to prolonged howling, where nothing works to comfort him, for 1-2 hours (he’s got a cold, maybe teething).

Last week our downstairs neighbours (directly below) buzzed the flat to ask to come up for a chat one evening. I asked what about, and they said they were having disturbed nights because of the baby noise. I said that i was sorry and was doing my best to calm him, but there really wasn’t anything more I could do. Obviously we would prefer him to sleep through and that the crying kept us up too.

Neighbour replied that ‘they didn’t ask to have this inflicted on them’ and that they were having to go away this weekend ‘for some respite’. I asked whether she would like me to leave the flat overnight with the baby, as aside from that, there really wasn’t anything I could do. I told them we were moving out in 6 weeks. I said I didn’t see the point in their coming up to discuss it, and I would send my husband down to talk to them when he got home. In fact, he decided there was no point in talking to them about it, so we’ve both just ignored them and done nothing further.

I really can’t do anything to reduce the noise (there’s nowhere else in the flat that the cot can go apart from in our bedroom) unless anyone has a miracle baby sleep solution...

So...AIBU to completely ignore the neighbours now or should we communicate with them in some way? And AIBU to say there isn’t anything we can do about the noise? Fair to say that the situation has added to my sleep-deprived stress levels and made me feel even more rubbish...

YABU. I think the least you can do is have a civil chat with them. Maybe explain about your baby’s health issues as you have here so they know the whole story.

It also wouldn’t hurt to at least try having baby sleep in the other room. It shows some goodwill and understanding on your behalf. If it doesn’t work then they will still appreciate that you listened to their concerns instead of taking the ‘bad luck, put up with it’ attitude.

Chocolate and flowers as a gift would be nice but forget about the earplugs. It will get their back up.

@Zitouna

"but also she was just so mean...)."

It sounds like she only got snippy with you when it was made clear that you wouldn't even do her the courtesy of talking to her face to face. It probably came across to her as "I don't give a fuck that my baby is keeping you awake, tough shit." How politely did you expect her to react to that?

"(as well as quietly wishing that if they ever have a kid it NEVER sleeps)."

You know that means you're basically wishing that a baby is unhappy and likely feels miserable like yours does, right? Cuz babies don't usually stay awake constantly because they're content and physically comfortable.

I'm going to go against the grain and say don't talk to this neighbour. He/She sounds mental to even confront you about this. The neighbour has an entitlement issue to an extreme and may become more abusive towards you the more you try to cater to it. Unfortunately when you choose to move to a flat, you choose to deal with neighbour noise (even babies), don't like it then get some ear plugs or camp out in a field.

Mental I expect you're being flippant there Twinningmum? But it's quite feasible one or both of them do some mental health issues in which case a baby crying frequently during the night will not help!

Why is that the baby's problem if they have mental health issues? I still wouldn't engage as that would solve nothing. If they need complete silence for their mental health, then I repeat, they shouldn't have chosen to live in a flat.

Twinningmum you're being absolutely ridiculous and it's attitudes like yours that make it so difficult for neighbours to discuss things anymore.

What a selfish and arrogant attitude you have Twinning. No empathy for anyone else.
Just me me me.

Even if you live in a house there's still usually a shared party wall.

As discussed in a thread a few months back many people would LOVE to live in a detached house in a field in the middle of nowhere with acres of land and zero neighbours.

Most people can't remotely afford that though.

I don't understand why should the baby have to suffer? The baby may have a nursery with things for changing, calming, etc but now the baby has to lose this and live in the kitchen or lounge because of some entitled neighbour? That neighbour was once also a baby, and if that neighbour can't understand that babies are not smart phones with off buttons then what is the point of chatting about it? The neighbour has already proven to be unreasonable, and who knows how far he/she will take the frustration out on them.

Not sure what more to say to this thread...

Noise from a baby is one of those things you just cannot control. My oldest two DC were great sleepers but my youngest woke quite regularly and would indeed cry.

We live in a terraced house with elderly neighbours one side and a middle aged woman the other.

When we were expecting said baby, we let our neighbours know and mentioned that if there were ever any problems with noise, please let us know. (we had already done this, given my DC2 has SN and is incredibly loud)

We arranged a party once (prior to having DC3) and we politely popped the neighbours a note saying if we were too loud please let us know and left our number. Our elderly neighbours popped a hand made card back wishing me a happy birthday and that not to worrh - they had ear plugs lol!!!

Fast forward and DC3 is 15 months... We have never had a complaint and on the occasions that we bump in to neighbours, we have said things like "I hope we are not too loud" or more specifically if we have had a bad night we'd mention it.

Middle aged neighbour works night shifts sometimes or very long days.

Both neighbours have said they are babies/children and even if they did make such noise it can't be helped.

Maybe it's just pot luck on neighbours but I definitely think having open conversations help. Don't avoid conversation, as someone has previously said, very calmly ask what exactly it is that they would like you to do!?

I'm your position, other than that I'm not sure what else you could do.

Don't be so ridiculous. The baby will not suffer sleeping somewhere else besides his bedroom! He won't know any difference.

Do you have twins then going off your user name? Let's hope you live in a detached house in the middle of nowhere going by your awful attitude.

Midterrace

My last post was to twinningmum.

It sounds like everyone is suffering already and the things the baby needs can be moved to another room. The thing the baby needs most is its parents and they can move from room to room as well.

What kind of immovable setup are you envisaging that can only be used in one room to calm baby?

Yes I am awful GreatDuckCookery because I have twins and I may know that my twins would have been more comfortable in the nursery where the rocking chair, cots with mobiles, and all other decor was chosen to comfort them. Absolutely horrible I didn't consider leaving them in the kitchen instead as they're obviously just burdensome babies.

I wouldnt bother going for a chat, it will achieve nothing (worst case scenario it would be an actual argument) and you are moving in 6 weeks never to have to deal with them again. I wouldn't ignore though, put a note through saying you will come for a chat when you have a free evening at some random point in the future and then postpone til you've moved

I don't think babies give a crap about decor in the middle of the night.

I don't think anyone suggested the baby sleeps in the kitchen. Most don't have room for a cot anyway unless it's a kitchen that extends into an area for dining.

In a normal situation the nursery is the first choice to let your baby/babies sleep but if they're up crying for hours in the night and you have neighbours below,above or next to you and it's been going on for a while, the kindest and most thoughtful thing would be to move them where their noise will be least heard.

As a mum of twins, they do care about the rocking chair and cots with mobiles. These large pieces of furniture cannot be moved easily. OP's priority is her baby and what each baby will need is different. Mine needed to be in the nursery, it's not always as simple as put them in another room. There's no way to fit their things in the lounge. OP can't silence the baby for the neighbour regardless (trust me, parents want their babies to have a comfortable night's sleep more than anyone), it's pointless to discuss.

I'm very glad I don't live next door to you Twinning as you seem to be incapable of even discussing any kind of compromise, and to live in a self absorbed bubble where it's all about you, and no one else should be taken into consideration.

At least if the OP speaks to the neighbours, apologises for the noise, reassures them that she's doing absolutely everything possible to keep him quiet and that they will be moving soon imo the neighbours will feel at least the OP understands why they're upset and is trying to alleviate the problems instead of just blindly ignoring them which could appear as selfish and uncaring.

What compromise are you realistically expecting? Should a mother go back in time and just shove the baby back up her uterus for your convenience?

Goodness me Twinning you sound entitled

I have twins. So I must be allowed to let my babies scream whenever and wherever they want

It doesn’t hurt to try and come to a middle when dealing with screaming babies

I am terrible when I don’t get enough sleep. There’s nothing wrong with going into another room away from the bedroom downstairs to try and settle baby

I've had problems with noisy neighbours before and it's horrible - it feels intrusive and is made worse if you think the other person doesn't know or care about how they are affecting you. It really wears you down.

I think it's totally reasonable to have a baby who cries because that's what babies do, but the neighbours might feel better if you show a bit of friendliness through a chat or chocolates etc, or a half-joking sorry for a bad night if you see them in the hallway. Just showing you know it's not great for them might help. The worst thing is if you think you're being disturbed by someone who simply doesn't care if they are keeping you up.
What kind of floors have you got? Laminate type floors can be really bad for sound travelling, could some cheap fluffy rugs help muffle the sound? Or some cheap foam matting?

Twinning the OP has already acknowledged some useful ideas from posters on this thread. There's lots of ground between refusing to speak to the neighbours, and the neighbours telling her to 'shove the baby back up her uterus' to use your rather crude and aggressive expression.

It's about discussing a problem and trying to see if there's any way to minimise it. Something that most neighbours find improves neighbourly relations.