AIBU to ignore neighbours’ complaint?

[Zitouna]

We are currently living in a short term rental flat, while our house is being renovated. It was supposed to be for 6 months, but builders’ delays mean it will be 8 months by the time we move out (in 6 weeks).

We have a 7 month old baby - he’s had Colic, reflux, CMPA etc. Despite this he slept pretty well until 4 months. But these days he goes down reliably at 7, then has a couple of feeds overnight and screams when winding, as well as some crying wakings in between where we put the dummy in. For the past week or so those wakings have often led to prolonged howling, where nothing works to comfort him, for 1-2 hours (he’s got a cold, maybe teething).

Last week our downstairs neighbours (directly below) buzzed the flat to ask to come up for a chat one evening. I asked what about, and they said they were having disturbed nights because of the baby noise. I said that i was sorry and was doing my best to calm him, but there really wasn’t anything more I could do. Obviously we would prefer him to sleep through and that the crying kept us up too.

Neighbour replied that ‘they didn’t ask to have this inflicted on them’ and that they were having to go away this weekend ‘for some respite’. I asked whether she would like me to leave the flat overnight with the baby, as aside from that, there really wasn’t anything I could do. I told them we were moving out in 6 weeks. I said I didn’t see the point in their coming up to discuss it, and I would send my husband down to talk to them when he got home. In fact, he decided there was no point in talking to them about it, so we’ve both just ignored them and done nothing further.

I really can’t do anything to reduce the noise (there’s nowhere else in the flat that the cot can go apart from in our bedroom) unless anyone has a miracle baby sleep solution...

So...AIBU to completely ignore the neighbours now or should we communicate with them in some way? And AIBU to say there isn’t anything we can do about the noise? Fair to say that the situation has added to my sleep-deprived stress levels and made me feel even more rubbish...

Why do some people think neighbours should tolerate noise just because it came from a baby!? They haven't chosen to have a child... you have.

People whinge about dogs barking left right and centre. Apparently that is not tolerable (and I agree it isn't) but babies crying should be tolerated (erm NO!).

I had this. Next door's baby used to cry for around an hour at 3am every night. It went on for three months.Her cot was against the (very thin) wall which backed on to the head of our bed.

We had to get up at 6am every weekday to go to work and it caused a real issue for us.

We didn't complain...but how we wished the mum could have taken the baby into another room (bedroom at the back perhaps) or downstairs. The mother brought us a box of chocolates at Christmas to apologise (she realised how noisy the baby was) but we would have preferred a solution that allowed us all to sleep better.

YABU and rude. It's your baby so disturbed nights come with the territory. Not so for your neighbours. As others have said, bunch of flowers, bottle of wine, earplugs, an apology to the neighbours and reassurance you're moving soon. And maybe go to a different room when the baby cries, travel cot or pram in the kitchen?

I think you've been unreasonable by not doing more to try to minimise their sleep disruption.

Ohhh what? It's a baby, they don't have off buttons. And they're apartments, it's part of life. I currently have a four month old on the other side of our bedroom wall, and he is quite the crier. But I know my neighbours are doing everything they can; I can hear them murmuring to him. I'm more worried about ho M (his mum) is going.

Ignoring would seem as though frankly you don't give a shiny shit and would gladly attach a microphone to your baby to amplify the screaming.

What ridiculous hyperbole.

If I dont get a full 7/8 hours of sleep I spend the whole day feeling anxious and on edge. I also find it hard to fall back asleep if I wake up so if they're anything like me I can understand why they decided to raise the issue.

The situation sounds really stressful for everyone but hopefully moving to a different room when the baby wakes will help. Are blackout curtains for the living room an option?

Also (tho realise this will just sound defensive!) we are doing everything we can to get him to sleep - white noise, comforter, dummy, bedtime routine, appropriate daytime naps so not over/under tired, baby massage, gripe water, calpol, nurofen, teething powder, teething gel, shushing-and-patting, teaching to self soothe (tho this has gone out the window a bit now he gets more upset) rocking etc.

Babies cry - even with the very best of parents. Don't feel it is your fault.

(Your neighbours should be thanking their luck stars that they don't need to get up and try to sort things out.)

This isn't your fault.

Don't listen to their complaints too seriously. (What could anyone do in this circumstance.) Just agree with them - yes it is awful - yes you wish it would stop too (and yes it would be much better if there was a way of stopping it.)

It will end - babies grow up.

Have you played music? DD used to love lullaby CD’s and the music on the baby monitor.

Also, if you’re stressed then the baby will pick that up from you. I know it’s hard but you need to remain as calm as possible and not get tense.

Also, you can get stick up blinds/curtains to make a room darker.

He is also medicated for the reflux, under the care of the allergy clinic for possible cmpa and I take him to the baby osteopath regularly. I am desperate for him to be more comfortable and settled.

The living room/kitchen is right next to the bedroom so I’m not sure it will make much difference to them but I will try that.

I suppose I’m upset at her (or anyone!) imagining that I wasn’t already doing everything I could to comfort my baby, make sure he is well, and minimise the crying. But I can manage an apologetic note etc without that getting in the way.

I have a chronic degenerative illnesss, accompanied by quite significant levels of pain. If and when I get to sleep, I certainly don’t want wakened up by anything other than my alarm clock, when it’s time for work! My boyfriend is a medic. He has to make significant decisions every day, sometimes on the hop, and with a sharp mind. If he’s more sleep deprived, this could have significant knock on effects to his patients.

Is it fair for either of us to suffer sleep disturbances from a neighbour? We live in the city, as need to be near work, so flats are pretty much the only option. We didn’t decide to have a baby, so we shouldn’t be regularly disturbed.

See how it sounds from the other perspective? We’re not unreasonable, and odd nights are completely understandable. But, nights on end of disturbed rest - I don’t think it’s fair to others. I’d say it’s up to you to try to minimise this, however you do that - another room, different sleep patterns, whatever. It will end up benefiting you too.
Good luck.

This is a bad situation for everyone and no one is really to blame. It may be nice to get them a selection of earplugs and a nice card to say thanks for their understanding. Get some better curtains if calming him in the brighter room would reduce the noise pollution.

Going back to the cmpa is he allergic to any soya or other foods ? Could the cold be allergic rhinitis? Have a close look at all his foods milks and diarise if and look for a pattern or any other subtle symptoms bowel movements gas mucus etc

Sorry, should also have said that of course I understand their upset and it is completely reasonable that they find it disturbs them. I just didn’t know what more I could do! And therefore didn’t think a further conversation was helpful as I had apologised and had nothing else to suggest.

Anyway, other people’s perspectives have been helpful so i’ll get on with the various suggestions.

That’s interesting re allergic rhinitis. I’ve cut out all soy as well as dairy, so it’s not that. He’s been tested against common allergens and doesn’t have any acute allergies, including to dairy - Drs thought it could be a delayed milk allergy. I suppose there could be other intolerances going on.

My latest thought is to investigate tongue tie again - he was checked at 3 weeks and they said he didn’t have an obvious one, but going to get them to look again.

Can you put down some cheap thick rugs to insulate the floor a bit more from noise. It isn’t their fault they are getting disturbed and other suggestions re your baby may I hope help.

They are twats. I have four kids and the only time our neighbours ever knocked was one particular night when #4 just wouldn't stop, and even then, they just wanted to know if there was anything they could do.

Over the years, I have apologized for our noise repeatedly and they always brushed it off.

There is literally nothing that you can do. It is a phase, it's not done on purpose and putting pressure on the parents will do nothing to ease the situation at all.

I am sorry your neighbours are not more like mine.

Buy Silicone earplugs and post them through their door, honestly is the easiest and cheapest solution, they pop those in, they won’t hear a thing, happy happy all round!

Wow - so you didn’t extend the courtesy of having a chat, just spoke through the intercom, said DH would go round, then he didn’t.

It wouldn’t have hurt to have had a face to face conversation just to say you were doing everything you could etc etc.

Though as another poster said: Would it stop them hearing the baby if you went into another room? If so then you should do it.

Have a look perhaps at egg next then try and get to the root cause of the problem
That and extra soft furnishings and a bottle of wine for the neighbours

Cosleeping was what really helped us in this situation, both of mine were similar and settled more easily this way. Also - ear infections always gave us nights like this (on top of CMPA and tongue tie!).

Oh also - check for a lip tie as well as tongue tie - this caused my baby’s issues 💗

Nobody is being twats here and the fact that babies cry doesn't make the neighbours unreasonable.
When dd was small and squawking all night I took her into the living room and lay on the sofa with her. The living room was furthest away from the dividing wall with the neighbours. I didn't do it because they had complained, I did it because I had already thought "poor sods, they have to get up at 6 and are being subjected to this night after night".

YANBU to ignore them. Especially with the attitude it sounds like they have. There is nothing that can be done about baby noise. Obviously you would rather there wasn't wailing too. But it is how it is. My daughter had colic, and from 7-10pm every night she would wail nonestop. Nothing soothed her. Its just one of those things, and I have no idea what your neighbour expects you to do about it.

Have you tried hydrolysed protein formula? If there are suspected allergies, that is the best version of hypoallergenic formula. The protein pieces are all broken down so are unrecognisable by the immune system and dont set off reactions. Two of mine have had it and it is a game changer. Then when they are more settled, you can try dairy and soya to see if there is a reaction. It is only available on prescription in the UK, although you can buy it over the counter in the USA (and if you want to pay the postage for a trial amount you can order some on Amazon usa)

Thanks @SeatoSki yes, we’ve got the prescription formula now. He’s been EBF up until now, and it’s proving a bit tricky to get him to take a bottle but we’re persevering and will use a cup if he can’t get the hang of it.

Delighted to hear that it worked for you - will keep my fingers crossed!

Tummy tub? Actually a 99p bucket will do the same job my son was like this I used to pop him in the tub and he would bob up and down peacefully