To be annoyed my kids are not invited to MIL 80th party

[ARoomSomewhere]

MIL is having an 80th Party.
H is invited. Kids (14 and 11) and I are not.
The other grandkids (early 20's) are.
That's crap, isnt it?

[YearOfYouRemember]

Has SIL done this on purpose so you don't go but she can say you were asked and therefore make you look bad ?

[OhDearGodLookAtThisMess]

Its an elderly womans quiet birthday dinner and absolutely up to her who goes.

This is the same weird sentiment I've seen expressed about weddings here on MN but nowhere in Real Life, thank God. What sort of mean-spirited lives do some people lead?

[beeefcreep]

Why would he want to go without you?

Did he not ask if you were invited?

It's all really weird but you have had a lucky escape. However if this was me then none of us including DH would be going, and this would have been his decision.

[WornOutAndUseless]

My Aunt tried to pull shit like this over my Mum's birthday. She told me Mum would like a surprise party and that we'd organise it together.

She bombarded me with the longest text messages in the world for over a week, it was so stressful.

During this week I was told:

• my children couldn't come because my Aunt's grandchildren couldn't come (they live a long way away) so it wouldn't be fair. .
• my older brother's daughter could come because she's over 18 (my children were 13 and 15 at the time so hardly babies). It was only going to be a meal in a restaurant during an afternoon anyway.
• my sister wasn't allowed to come because she has MH problems and was an embarrassment to my Mum (first I'd heard of it!)
• my older brother was not allowed to contribute in any way as 'we' didn't want his input
• etc.

In the end I asked my Mum whether she would like a party for her birthday and she said no way! My Dad had just gone into a care home and she was in no mood for celebrating and thought it would be inappropriate because of what was happening with Dad. I knew she would hate a party but felt so bombarded and confused by my Aunt saying she definitely did, it was disorientating.

Aunt was furious I'd mentioned it to her. I didn't tell Mum all the details as didn't want to upset her but if push comes to shove I've still got all those nasty texts from my Aunt so she can't deny saying it.

I do feel ashamed though. My Aunt is so domineering I didn't say no to her although I didn't agree with her either, I just brushed off what she was saying. However, if the party had gone ahead I would have definitely ignored what she was saying and invited whoever I felt Mum would have wanted there which definitely would have included my sister and all the children in the family. I'd have also asked both my brothers for their input.

[Tistheseason17]

How ridiculous.
Just had FIL 85th birthday lunch. All relatives, and their families invited - cause that's what families do when they get on.

Absolutely no way my DH would WANT to go without us. You have a DH problem - my DH suggested that your DH may be the one who doesn't want you there... one to consider...

[di2004]

How awful of your SIL not to invite you all. In fact it's just down right ignorant.
Just make sure you don't send a card or present.

[Lozzat85]

I don’t think of a strange the kids have not been invited - depending on venue but to not invite YOU?!?! That’s very strange!

[Corneliawildthing]

My mother organised her and dad's Ruby Wedding celebration. My sister and I were not invited as she only wanted people who had been at their wedding

[onecatshortofcrazy]

Never mind the in laws, your husband sounds like a total cock! If your husband is seemingly ok with the arrangement that his family are treated as second rate, then you have bigger problems than not being invited for lunch. I couldn’t imagine my husband not being a united front with me on anything like this, even if he thought I was in the wrong he would back me. What a terrible example of “familyhood” to set for your children....☹️

[MrsRonaldWeasley]

Wow! This is the height of rudeness. If my in-laws tried to pull a trick like that my DH would be setting them straight! If he didn’t he’d be moving back in with his DM!!!

[Leapfrog44]

makes no sense without some background. Someone doesn;t like you? There must be some seriously bad blood as no one asks one half of a couple and leaves out the kids. It's a very deliberate message and you MUST have some idea why this is?

[Fightthebear]

Cornelia - blimey!

[Bigchair]

No its fucking brilliant.who would want to go to a do like that? Consider yourself lucky that you haven't been invited.

[Madlynnepin26]

If the family hasn’t bothered to include you and the kids along won’t the husband then clearly they are arseholes to put it bluntly. If you do get on with the family etc then just go. Who cares. If they make a big deal about it then I suggest your husband needs to have a word with them.

[Aintnothingbutaheartache]

I agree it’s crap but I’d be fucking delighted!

[Thehappygardener]

80 isn’t all that old nowadays, there could be another ten or fifteen years of this nonsense. The SiL is possibly overstepping the mark in this instance but on past history, I can’t see why you would want to go anyway. Have a nice time with your children, with or without your husband. Families can be VERY strange!

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

OP - have you talked to the SIL directly yourself? And do you think, as it’s a surprise, your MIL will be upset that you’re not there? I’m hoping your dh will have the balls to tell MIL you weren’t invited by SIL.

[Catsinthecupboard]

My mother in law is actually in hospital dying at the moment, dh, bil and sil sitting vigil. I can't sleep.

She's been in my life (me in hers too) for 30 years. She didn't like me for most of our time together. However. She loved our children and her children.

I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I decided that she wasn't a bad influence on my dc and so I mostly ignored her snippy comments.

Tonight. As she's dying, I can honestly say that i have a clean conscious. I took the high road as often as possible and now. I know that it was worth it. Dc and dh mourn her and instead of horrible memories, they have loving stories. Remember: nobody lives forever and putting family first is a good example for our dc bc it may be our turn some day.

I am sorry OP. This isn't an answer, but it's a little related. Do what you think is right. You know in your heart the right answer.

[Juells]

Aintnothingbutaheartache

I agree it’s crap but I’d be fucking delighted!

Haha this ^^

[Catsinthecupboard]

There is no "high road" for sil Christmas eve debacle. But my Ice Queen sil (terrible trouble maker) doesn't represent mil who would be very sad to not see her grandchildren.

[ARoomSomewhere]

There is no 'bad blood' as such no in terms of major fallings out.
His family have always treated me like an insect - they are curious but slightly pitying being very sure they are of the superior breed iyswim?

But they are the same with him too. Its really sad. He occasionally sees it but then pulls back into FOG.

SIL is an unpleasant person. Im trying not to be outing here but her job involves kids with SEN (not teaching prof but something different). I have sat at her table in the past and listened to her teenager make what she considered to be 'special needs' noises and gestures and howl with laughter at the (disablist words i wont repeat). To my horror, SIL joined in. At that point I lost all respect for SIL. Particularly as H has some (mild) SEN which has blighted his life as they fairly openly refer to him as 'poor Chris' (his name is not Chris btw).
MIL is slightly better but not much. They are racist and small-minded. I am sad my kids dont have family physically closer. But if they go on holiday they will travel 250m (so within 50m of us, say) but then have lots of 'outings' planned which don't include us 'but its a family meal' was one such gem, when kids were around 3 and 5 and they were going to local Toby Carvery, or we arrive and 'ph but we were just going for a walk'. MIL likes photos of the kids to show her friends i think but is not much interested otherwise. They are Odd bods!

If H wants to go he can. I am relieved i am not invited.
But yes i am slightly annoyed the kids are not.
I should say my family are really no better (in other ways).
The difference is, I will (and do) call them out if they are disrespectful to H or kids in anyway. H doesn't seem able to do this. Ho hum

CatsinTheCupboard Thank you for your thoughtful post.
I have tried to take this approach too. They are the kids rellies so i never 'get in the way' or speak badly about them (except here i guess!). I wont pursue it. The kids would prob not enjoy a 'length of England dash' over a weekend in term time anyway to celebrate the bday of someone they really hardly know.

[Ryderryder]

I vote for lucky escape op.

[JuJu2017]

Has sil specifically said you all can’t come? Or has she just worded it to Dh?