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To be annoyed my kids are not invited to MIL 80th party

252 replies

ARoomSomewhere · 20/10/2018 22:32

MIL is having an 80th Party.
H is invited. Kids (14 and 11) and I are not.
The other grandkids (early 20's) are.
That's crap, isnt it?

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 21/10/2018 13:14

I must admit I don’t understand quite why this is such a big deal. Your kids have seen their grandmother once a year (for how long?) and you haven’t seen her for a couple of years. It’s not a horrendous drive with those age kids so it’s a conscious choice not to go more often.

Plus the older grandchildren are in their 20s so it’s a very different relationship and if they live closer might have a close friendship with their gran.

I’m not sure that it’s completely ridiculous of your SIL to not be keen to cater for a woman who hasn’t bothered to her mum for years and teenagers who don’t have a close bond with their gran. Why pretend to be happy families and expect everyone to put up a show?


MrsJane · 21/10/2018 13:25

That's awful. How can your DH allow his wife and dc to be treated like that??

I'd fully expect him to fight dc's corner (at the very least!) or not go! What does your DH say?


BertrandRussell · 21/10/2018 13:34

“Any decent man would not be going.”

Any decent man would see his elderly mother more often than once a year.
OP- ring your SIL. Find out what’s happening.


callmeadoctor · 21/10/2018 13:34

Bloody hell, Im sure that the kids will be delighted they aren't invited! (an 8oth birthday party!!!!!!)


ZanyMobster · 21/10/2018 13:49

Well quite BertrandRussell if they are lovely parents and everything is well. All round IMO though he sounds like a bit of an arse but presumably there is a lot of back story here. If DH does not get on with parents then he should be sticking up for his wife. If he does get on with them then he should have sorted to whole situation out before.

My DH does not see his dad more than a couple of times a year and he lives round the corner. DH is a very decent man but his dad is an abusive alcoholic so he makes a token effort. It doesn't make him not a decent man for not seeing him more.


LoniceraJaponica · 21/10/2018 14:05

"Any decent man would see his elderly mother more often than once a year."

Exactly. We always seem to agree.

OH's mum has dementia. He has been going to see her once a month for the last few years. This is also a 300 mile round trip.


IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/10/2018 14:11

Bertrand, just because someone is old, it doesn't make them deserving of time and attention if they've been a complete bitch while they were young. The Christmas behaviour indicates that this is not a nice family.
No one should sit idly by and let their family insult their spouse and children. He sounds pathetic.


HannahnotAgnes · 21/10/2018 14:26

I think you have a DH issue - he should be sticking up for you guys. The whole thing sounds horrible.


Maelstrop · 21/10/2018 14:31

Your dh is going? He’s a nob. Mine would rather stick pins in his eyes than go to a family thing without me.


mcmooberry · 21/10/2018 14:49

It is my FIL's 80th in December and I assumed we would all fly up for it so spoke to him about arrangements so we could get flights nice and early. Turns out he seemed to want an adult only do so our 3 children (and therefore me too) weren't included. I didn't especially take umbrage as I thought ok, will save a fortune if only DH goes but was a bit miffed that he didn't want the children there (youngest is 5 and no fallings out at all, he is coming for Christmas). My DH however wasn't amused and he and sibling bought a voucher for D, B&B for father in law plus his OH so no one is now going! In the OP case with the children being older and the do being at home I think it definitely is not a reasonable thing to leave them out.


ARoomSomewhere · 21/10/2018 14:59

I asked H a bit more this morning.

SIL is organising it and describes it as a 'Party'.
Its to be a 'naice Lunch' at her house.
MIL doesn't know about it, afaik.
The attendees are to be SIL and BIL and their 3 kids: invitees are BIL's mother and brother (both single), MILs sister and her husband and H.

We do not visit more often as we are stoney broke and the cost is quite high. I don't drive (disabled) and H has been off work. Train tickets are expensive. We go as often as we can, genuinely. Until a couple of years ago they would all take a house within 50m of us every 3 years or so for a long weekend. We'd phone up to ask 'are you there? would you like us to visit with the kids? and it was always very ambivalent. I have dutifully taken the kids along until last summer when i thought H could continue to do it solo if he wanted to enough.

They walk all over him, he doesn't see it, but its not my circus, unless it affects my kids. I guess when i think about it there is a 'backstory' so sorry if I've wasted everyone's time rather by posting, I should know these people by now, really. I'm just sad about it I guess?

He is still going as is his right.

OP posts:

PrincessWire · 21/10/2018 15:16

IMO him going by himself is sending a clear message that he agrees that his wife and children are not important. Everyone sets their own bar in life I suppose.


BertrandRussell · 21/10/2018 15:17

"Bertrand, just because someone is old, it doesn't make them deserving of time and attention"
I agree. But the "baddie" in this story so far is the sil, surely? There's been no report of the mil doing anything wrong? Of course she may well have!


ARoomSomewhere · 21/10/2018 15:20

I agree Princess
It's his right to go, however, I'm not impressed.

OP posts:

Aprilislonggone · 21/10/2018 15:27

Actually I think your dh needs to go. So he can first hand tell mil why you and the dc aren't there.
Otherwise I feel she will tell a whole load of bs to her - that won't paint anyone but her in a good light.


Bluelady · 21/10/2018 15:34

Given that train tickets are expensive, can you actually afford for all of you to go?


Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 21/10/2018 15:36



WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 21/10/2018 15:38

If it was so costly (financially) I'd say you should all go there for the weekend and see MIL, and then you go somewhere without the kids while your DH is at the "party" without you.

It makes the point that you, DC & DH come as a family - and also leaves your DH (and SIL) answering awkward questions about your absence at the lunch. One or both of them are going to look like complete twats.


WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 21/10/2018 15:39

*with the kids.


CraftyGin · 21/10/2018 15:41

So the 3 out of 5 GKs happen to live there?


Laureline · 21/10/2018 15:47

Well at least now you can completely disengage from your in-laws. No more birthday cards or presents, same for Christmas. No more calls, no more favours, etc. You leave all that to your DH. They obviously think little of you or your children.

Your DH is a wimp, sorry about that.


BumsexAtTheBingo · 21/10/2018 15:47

I’m assuming it’s adults only and you are the childcare 😂
It wouldn’t bother me too much tbh. I’d tell the kids it’s an adulta meal so they didn’t feel excluded.
The Christmas thing on the other hand Shock


QueenArseClangers · 21/10/2018 15:57

So SIL is inviting HER brother and Mother but not the birthday girl’s flesh and blood family? Confused
It would’ve been much better if her not to invite anyone from your nuclear family than just DH.


ARoomSomewhere · 21/10/2018 16:13

sorry if not clear.
Its MrsB's bday. Her daughter (SIL) will host with her H and kids. Her H's brother and mother are invited. Plus MrsB's sister and H. Plus my H.

OP posts:

AnnDerry · 21/10/2018 16:20

A few years ago we had a phone call from FIL's wife asking for DH. At the end of it, he said to me that he was going to be driving down after work the next day (about 2.5 hours) to see his DF - I naturally jumped to the conclusion that FIL was unwell.

Nope - it was an invitation to a birthday dinner for FIL. I was not invited. Nor were the DC. (I think it was FIL's 75th.)

When I asked why we were not invited, DH pointed out that the DC were in school, and I would need to stay home with them. This apparently was FIL's wife's rationale for not inviting us.

I made it very clear to DH that I thought the whole set up was odd and extremely rude.
He went anyway, but let's say I don't make much of an effort to go to see FIL any more - quite often they invite us when I'm really busy at work and can't spare a weekend. Shame.

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