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To be annoyed my kids are not invited to MIL 80th party

252 replies

ARoomSomewhere · 20/10/2018 22:32

MIL is having an 80th Party.
H is invited. Kids (14 and 11) and I are not.
The other grandkids (early 20's) are.
That's crap, isnt it?

OP posts:

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 10:35

I am amazed at how much of a pushover some of you are. If I wasn't invited, I would tell my husband to tell them that either we both go, or neither does. And I would make damn sure he knew that if I wasn't invited and he went, our marriage would be over. I would NOT allow it. Even if OP is relieved not to go, that doesn't matter. It is the principle of it, that you are now his family, and you and his children should come FIRST. He is basically saying they are more important than his WIFE and his children. NO WAY would I allow that, he would know if he dared go, that would be it, I would not be there when he returned. It is non-negotiable. I feel some on here need to develop a spine and self respect.


whosafraidofabigduckfart · 23/10/2018 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluelady · 23/10/2018 11:04

I think that kind of attitude is why the divorce rate is so high, Salem. Most of us don't tell our spouses or put them in a situation where they don't dare to do stuff. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship by one party.


a1poshpaws · 23/10/2018 11:50

I don't think your husband should go if you're not invited - it's just downright insulting to exclude you and the kids from the invite, he should show solidarity to his own family, and visit his mother some other time.


SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:33

Bluelady, true, but if as it seems, this marriage is not respected by the husband, then it really isn't much of a marriage, is it? If he consistently disrespects his wife and now his children, then there isn't much of a marriage, and for the self-esteem of the wife and the children, maybe divorce in this case is a good idea. I do not normally suggest it, but imo to disrespect your own spouse to such a degree is a deal breaker, and even if that itself wasn't enough of a deal breaker, allowing your children to be ostracised by family would be.


Sb74 · 23/10/2018 14:10

I think your husband should refuse to go. You are a family and they can’t treat you separately like that. If he’s not up to refusing he should say he feels ill last minute and say he can’t go. Maybe they’ll get the message? After the disgusting way they treated you at Christmas they don’t deserve manners or consideration. How dare they treat you like that!!! Your husband needs to show loyalty to you and your kids though. He’s at fault too in my opinion.


Sb74 · 23/10/2018 14:14

I agree with blackcat4. My hubby wouldn’t even dare mention it. He’s not scared of me and we have a great relationship but he knows I would go mad at that and he wouldn’t entertain the idea himself. Time to break the apron strings!!!!


Dontgochasingunicorns · 23/10/2018 15:42

This has the makings of a family rift! Yanbu op, I’d be pissed off about it and my husband would certainly not go if me and my kids weren’t invited.


pamhill64 · 23/10/2018 19:23

Frankly I’d divorce DH if he went while you weren’t! You are an adult And family aren’t you? It’s one thing not to have tiny kids running around maybe but at 11+ they know how to behave anyway. Boycott it


Sb74 · 23/10/2018 19:41

Oh my god, I’ve just read earlier (sorry nipping I’m and out) the op saying it’s her husbands “right” to go??!! It’s your right op to have a husband who stands by the woman he made vows to. It all sounds strange to me. Have some self respect OP. It’s your right to be by your husbands side. You are letting them walk all over you and your family not just your husband. It is your ‘circus’!! If your husband not being a proper husband isn’t your business then what is? I think you must have low expectations of marriage. You and your kids should be your h no 1 priority over everyone else. When my kids are adults, as hard as it must be, I will accept that their families come first to them. It’s life.. I feel sorry for you.


Ellyess · 24/10/2018 16:13

Having read the description of your SIL and her d's attitude to learning disability, and other things about them all, I think it is a good thing you live so far away. I would be glad they cannot influence your Children!

It sounds as if the best thing is to regard them as not normal and let your DH do as he wishes, just to prevent him being upset. A mother like his probably has a wrongful and unfair hold over him but as she's old it might be best to opt for a quiet life and let it pass. I feel so sorry for you all.
This is a terrible family but your DH could not choose his family and it sounds as if he is a gentle and somewhat easily cowed man, who has been used to being bullied by them. I am sure he is aware that you are the best thing that could ever have happened to him. Good luck with everything and simply don't waste emotional energy on these emotionally retarded people. The day will pass quite quickly and you will be spared having to be with such horrible people. I'd just welcome your husband home afterwards and regard him as having done what he felt was his duty.
I know we all think you are the one he should be with but this is a very weird family and in these circumstances I would be inclined not to put any more stress on him than they already do. Just stick by him and tell him you know he'd rather you and the kids had been invited as is only right and proper, but you understand about his difficult family and you will be looking forward to getting him safely back where he really belongs, with his true own family - you and the children.Flowers


SilverLining10 · 24/10/2018 16:56

The one who is treating you and your children the worst here is your husband. As much as you want to excuse him with FOG, he is clearly showing his family that they can treat you badly and it's ok with him. This has now extended to your children as well.

Not being 'impressed' is the last word I would use to describe how I feel. I would feel betrayed by his disloyalty to his wife and children. I would really struggle to be with someone like this who allows others to disrespect you and joins in. It's also a cruel thing to do to the kids.


Ellyess · 24/10/2018 18:14

Sorry if this is a repeated q. I try to keep up..

What would happen if your DH answered evil SIL with the formal invitation reply thus:

"Thank you for your invitation to my M's 80th. on... at....
On behalf of my wife, children and myself, I am pleased to say we shall all be very happy to attend.

With fond regards
Your brother".

In other words, just respond with the assumption it was an invitation to the whole family and don't discuss it.


Icanttakemuchmore · 24/10/2018 23:09

It's a long trip to make for your dh if it's just a low key lunch and lots of expense . You could all go out for the day instead of him visiting his dm?


Jamiefraserskilt · 24/10/2018 23:35

In what part of his head did your dh consider this acceptable. All of you should have been invited them you could have declined if you wanted to. What would happen if your dh turned up with the kids? stop
You could always book a weekend away (which was booked, ahem, before her poxy invitation).
Excluding them is vile. He should be standing up for his family not kowtowing to his mother and sister.
Tell him He will be taking them, full stop and let him deal with the reaction from his family.


Ellyess · 25/10/2018 11:54

It is obvious we all agree that you all should be invited as a family.
It is obvious we would prefer your DH to stick up for you and tell the horrid SIL he will only go if all his family are invited.
However - as I tried to say before
This is not that straightforward
DH is torn between a difficult family who have brainwashed and bullied him so he does not think like us - possibly he's scared of them but can't say so.
The expense of travelling for you all to an event you would not enjoy and to which you'd only be going as a matter of principle, would be very expensive.
My over-all feeling is, just cut your losses and let DH go (poor man -it's hardly going to be fun) and get it over with.
Try to talk to him, possibly afterwards, about how it hurts when his family ignore you and the children and that you really want him to demonstrate that you and the kids are his first love and priority, whatever horrible hold the monsters have over him.
I think he can't be blamed for his terrible family and for the effect they have on him. You said he doesn't grasp everything quickly so maybe it's hard for him to understand. I am sure they bully him.
Good luck, lots of love Brew


AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2018 16:03

Honestly, after what you said about laughing at SN and them being racist, I wouldn't really want my DC around them. I think you've had a lucky escape.

Let your DH go and hear their vile shit, you and DC can have a lovely, positive day together. And make sure your DH knows that you did, he then may think twice about accepting future invitations.


Lizzie48 · 25/10/2018 17:06

Tbh, from what you've said about these people, I would be happy not to be invited. If your DH shouldn't be going to the birthday meal without you, though; he does sound pretty spineless, I'm afraid to say. 


Lizzie48 · 25/10/2018 17:15

I missed your update. I can see that your DH has suffered a lot of abuse at their hands and it can be hard to change how you are with family and to actually see what's really going on. My DM has always been very controlling and used to undermine me constantly in my parenting of my DDs.

But then I'd had enough and went low contact with her. It was so much easier than I'd expected. Once I stopped playing her game, she backed off.

You would all be so much happier without them in your lives. 


ARoomSomewhere · 29/10/2018 11:00

I just wanted dto thank everyone for posting.

Ellyess i think you have hit the nail on the head - this is defo how it was when we first got married.

However, he has become more 'like them' as things have gone on. There have been many occasions when he has referred to them as 'my real family' and I think - what are we then?

He is rigid and will not change his ways now. Ive given up talking now.
I think its indicative of a deeper lack of respect for me and kids sadly.

OP posts:

ARoomSomewhere · 29/10/2018 11:08

x post Lizzie sorry.

Its complicated by the fact that MY family are no better
But I am aware of it and effectively NC.
I also work in a Counselling related field.

H tends to sneer at that and when feeling stressed is pretty vile about my family / job and gets very sneery.

Its like he finds it all too challenging so reverts to the 'easy' option of the picture he was given growing up. I understand but its very very wearying.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2018 11:21

Ask yourself then, is this what you want to live with for the next 20, 30, 50 years? Is this what you want your children to emulate? Your grandchildren?


ARoomSomewhere · 29/10/2018 11:29

No it isnt.
My dd already wails 'its not myyyyy fault' when when anything happens.
(exact copy of H) instead of saying: 'ooops how shall we fix it if we can?'
My ds gets upset. H is very very good at appearing ultra reasonable in front of them /anyone yet making it almost impossible for me to work / live in a suitable location etc etc.

I've stuck it out for many years for the sake of the kids (why should we all take a big drop in living standards because H wont be an adult?)
but im not sure how much more i can take.

The 80th 'party' doesnt matter at all. Background does i guess.
Straw and camels back i think?

thank you all for helping me think it through.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 29/10/2018 11:46

I think you would benefit from having a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board, which is a great source of support for those of us coping with toxic families. You need to break free from these people, with or without your H.

Do you have RL support from friends? I'm sorry that your family is just as bad.


AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2018 15:46

I've stuck it out for many years for the sake of the kids (why should we all take a big drop in living standards because H wont be an adult?)

But how healthy is it for them to see his behaviors? Is any standard of living worth exposing your children to such a bad role model? Would you rather they be 'rich' or well adjusted? Which would serve them better in adulthood? Having grown up with 'things' or grown up to be kind and considerate adults?

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