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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed

258 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 20:52

I know im probably abu

Dd(4)has asked to start an additional dance class in a different style, the sat class doesn't fit with the timings of her current dance class so theyve offered her a midweek class

Ils have said they wont take her as they have commitments with dn in the week with her clubs and its too much

I respect its their time and decision bit i can't help feeling a bit annoyed as it just feels so one sided because

Its not a long term commitment as in 2 terms dds current class time will change and the sat class will fit

We rarely ask for weekend childcare but dn is there every weekend

Its 14 miles round trip to dance dns school is a 60 mile round trip with clubs

Both pils drive so if theres occasional clashes it could still be done

It just feels so unfair that dd has to miss out

Aibu to feel miffed

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 21/10/2018 16:17

God jealousy is an ugly, ugly emotion.

Their arrangements with BIL are NONE of your business.

They already do free childcare for you.

What was the point in posting?

AIBU?
YES.
No I’m not, wah, wah it’s so not fair 😋

FrancisCrawford · 21/10/2018 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 16:37

We are prepared to wete not asking ils for a long term commitment just to gap fill for 2 terms

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 16:43

Because they were n/c they have years to catch up on before it’s fair.

LL83 · 21/10/2018 16:47

They have made a commitment to your niece they don't want to take on more for your child. You are complaining about the unfairness. What do you want them to do? Stop helping neice so all is fair? Or take on more when they don't want to?

Your kid will cope with waiting 2 temrs. Again, be grateful for what you do get.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2018 16:51

Jacques - if you're prepared to do something for one you should be prepared to do it for the other.

They are prepared to take 6yr old DN to Rainbows and Beavers. To be completely fair they need to commit to taking your DD to Rainvpbows and Beavers at the same age, but that isn't the equality you want is it?

MarthasGinYard · 21/10/2018 16:54

Also dropping a 6 year old at rainbows isn't the same as having to accompany a 4 yo to a dance class.

RoboticMary · 21/10/2018 16:59

OP, my in-laws do fuck all for my children. Live a ten minute drive away. Fuck all. They visit every six months or so. Get a grip, for god’s sake. Your IL’s owe you nothing. Would it be nice if my in-laws saw a bit more of my children? Yes. Do I expect anything? No. They’re my children, my responsibility.

SoupDragon · 21/10/2018 17:01

Actually, to be completely fair, they should stop doing anything for your DD until she is the age they started doing things for your DN. it wasn't your DN's fault they weren't able to do stuff.

I suspect that isn't the equality you are after either.

Topseyt · 21/10/2018 17:14

OP, all you are proving isn't how Kicking n the right you are, it is how unreasonable you are, how entitled you are and what hard work you are.

Your child, your responsibility.

Fundays12 · 21/10/2018 17:15

If your really bothered and feel your dd is missing out by not getting her clas why not compromise? Say they stop picking her up from nursery 2 days a week and take her to the class instead one day?

She is your child not your inlaws and they are already doing so much for for you than most in laws do. My MIL occasionally (4 to 5 times a year) picks up ds from school that is 10 minutes walk from her house and sometimes babysits if I am working and the schools are off. My youngest child is watched less often than ds is by her as I pay for childcare.

She does far more for other family members. I don’t grudge this as she has had a long standing arrangement to care for a very well behaved10 year old and helps with the other child for other personal reasons of the parents mostly valid ones and has cared for another child a few hours a week as childcare options are limited for shift workers.

However she is nearly 70 and it’s obvious to me and dh these arrangements are too much for her at times and take a toll on her health. She gets asked to care for my kids when I am stuck normally or very occasionally so we can go out. It’s obvious she enjoys this time with my kids a lot as she isn’t pressured to commit weekly or run down by. The kids enjoy it as their grandmother is not stressed out and exhausted when she is caring for them as she often can get with the other kids.

Unless this thread is a wind up you are one very spoilt overgrown child yourself. A grandparent is not a parent they have earned the right to say no and to enjoy their grandkids. They should not parent them or act as an unpaid taxi service to demanding , entitled parents.

Topseyt · 21/10/2018 17:16

Not sure where Kicking came from there, though somehow I quite like it.

tinytemper66 · 21/10/2018 17:26

Where is the child's mum in this?

LikeIcare · 21/10/2018 17:28

You seem to be on the wind up OP.

amicissimma · 21/10/2018 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

m0therofdragons · 21/10/2018 18:23

This is pointless. Op clearly believes she's right and won't listen to anyone saying she's not. I actually don't believe all Gc have to be treated equally. I have 3dc and each has their individual needs met within what works for the family. Dd1 did ballet and swimming age 3 but dtds didn't start dance until 6 (too tired after school in reception and I realised that dance under School age is actually pretty pointless although dd1 likes it at the time, it cost a fortune and at 10 she doesn't even remember the big show on stage.

Op, if you want to dictate terms of childcare employ a nanny. You have a sweet deal with ils doing childcare but your ill-placed jealousy over dn threatens that. Just stop for a moment and realise you're being a knob.

MarthasGinYard · 21/10/2018 18:24

Is this the niece whom you wanted to keep your dc away from as she was a bad influence?

BigChocFrenzy · 21/10/2018 19:53

To be "fair," your PILs should stop all childcare etc for your DD until she reaches the same age as when they started looking after your DN

You really seem to dislike your BIL

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/10/2018 19:54

She isn't being treated differently.

They just aren't willing to add to their commitments. Fair and equal are not the same thing.

You need to grow up. You sound like the four year old.

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/10/2018 20:04

MarthasGinYard I hope it's not. There's a huge reason for the pil to helping that niece out. Op is talking all about fairness, but, by the sounds of it the niece mother died.

Is that fair, Op?

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/10/2018 21:19

well, it's obvious where your dd gets her love for amateur dramatics!

i do think that dd is not being treated fairly in comparison to dn
It's not your dn or pil's fault that your parents are not on the scene to even it out/share the childcare.

they requested the afternoon pick ups, we didnt ask we were happy to put dd in after school club
So they're happy and willing to do some free childcare for you in order to build a relationship with your dd - they don't owe you more and you're not entitled to more.

if you're prepared to do something for one you should be prepared to do it for the other
So if you choose to have more dc they have to do the same for them as well?

not a popular view but they should be prepared to help us in the same way
Your dn has missed out on 6 years worth of her gp's love and attention and you begrudge her this 'extra' time?

you need to deal with your bitterness at your dd not having two sets of gp's instead of getting jealous of a 6 year old.

FrancisCrawford · 21/10/2018 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2018 21:43

Why do you dislike BIL so much? Do you fr DN is stealing your child’s thunder?

DailyMailWankers · 21/10/2018 21:57

Where is DN mum in all this?

aintnothinbutagstring · 21/10/2018 22:09

Maybe they just can't be arsed, 7 miles each way in (if anything like our town) rush hour traffic. Geez I find it a ball ache to take my DC to activities 1.5 miles down the road because it takes me half hr to drive that in rush hr. Probably because you're not doing it, it seems like no trouble, or only do club runs at weekends, you have no idea what it's like doing after school clubs when the traffic is much worse.

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