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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed

258 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 20:52

I know im probably abu

Dd(4)has asked to start an additional dance class in a different style, the sat class doesn't fit with the timings of her current dance class so theyve offered her a midweek class

Ils have said they wont take her as they have commitments with dn in the week with her clubs and its too much

I respect its their time and decision bit i can't help feeling a bit annoyed as it just feels so one sided because

Its not a long term commitment as in 2 terms dds current class time will change and the sat class will fit

We rarely ask for weekend childcare but dn is there every weekend

Its 14 miles round trip to dance dns school is a 60 mile round trip with clubs

Both pils drive so if theres occasional clashes it could still be done

It just feels so unfair that dd has to miss out

Aibu to feel miffed

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 08:56

Phantom - im not asking for the same amount of time i wouldn't want dd at ils every weekend etc i do think that dd is not being treated fairly in comparison to dn.

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 08:57

Oh right. So fairmwhen it suits you and not fair when it doesn’t.

InstagramPork · 21/10/2018 08:58

This is exactly why I don’t think grandparents should agree to long term childcare arrangements, it causes so many problems. Any help they give you is a bonus. You sound spoiled and resentful.
I would never expect my mum or even ask her to commit to childcare on set days regularly. I think parents who do this are incredibly selfish and inflexible ime.
Asking for help occasionally is fine... my mum will help out if the kids are off sick, or if I know in advance that I have a late running meeting, or a planned evening out. But it’s not set in stone, I ask and don’t expect with regards to babysitting, and I’m bloody grateful for her help when she does!

OP you sound like a brat. Your nursery age kid will need to wait until after Easter to start her new class. End of.
Grandparents already help you out a lot, they have prior commitments with DN too and don’t want to take on any more running around. You keep harping on about “two cars”... it’s irrelevant. They are not obliged to use their two cars to run around doing extra activities you’ve decided up try and pile on them.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 21/10/2018 09:01

I’m sorry but yabvu and childish counting how much time the gps spend with each child. There are swings and roundabouts in life and things will change, if you spend all your energy getting worked up and measuring fairness you are in for a lot of disappointment. They don’t want / can’t help on this occasion, their right to choose, don’t invest anymore thought on this move on and get over yourself.

Topseyt · 21/10/2018 09:02

You need to pipe down and stop pressuring them when they already do a lot of childcare one way or another. They might well be finding that very stressful.

A four year old can wait two terms for a dance class. Implying otherwise for whatever reason is ridiculous.

You are convinced that you are in the right though, so all you are going to do is keep digging in and defending your position both on here and with the in-laws.

Others are right. You are entitled and are acting like a spoilt toddler.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 09:03

You can’t always facilitate what your child wants.

It’s a good lesson for her to start learning at 4.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2018 09:03

i do think that dd is not being treated fairly in comparison to dn

I actually think it boils down to YOU feeling you’re being badly done to.

You’re not.

Aridane · 21/10/2018 09:04

Wow, wow

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 09:05

If you want your DD treated exactly the same, she has to do the exact same activities as Dn And she has to go the exact days and exact times at the weekends too.

So inherently it’s nit exactly the same.

Topseyt · 21/10/2018 09:07

Also, there is no harm in a four year old starting to learn that you cannot always have exactly what you want, and even if you can, it isn't always available when you actually want it.

A good lesson for her (and for you, by the sound of it).

InstagramPork · 21/10/2018 09:12

Imagine this from the GPs perspective...

“I’m very upset with my DS and DIL. We are loving, devoted grandparents and have my GD2 after school a few times a week. We don’t take any payment for this and we enjoy having her.
We also do the same for GD1 and help out with some activities she does at the weekend.
We do a lot for our GDs but recently it feels as if DIL has been making this a competition between the GDs and how much we do for either child.
GD2 would like to take up another dance class but it clashes with our existing commitments with GD1, and GD2 could actually wait until Easter to begin this clsss then her parents will be able to take her. We’ve explained to DS and DIL that we don’t really want to take on any more childcare arrangements at the moment as we feel we are already doing so much. We love our GDs but would also like to be able to enjoy our retirement.
DIL has been very cross and keeps bringing up the fact we have two cars so we could still take GD2 to this new class.
Is it selfish to think of the extra costs involved in doing this? Running two cars out every week when it’s unnecessary and I actually enjoy the trip out in the car to GD1s activities with my DH.
I think DIL is being a CF and actually rather unkind to us considering how much free childcare we give her on a regular basis. Also we have always helped out but due to a family fall out she has only recently started talking to her own DPs. Why can’t she ask them to help out?”

READ IT OP!!! This is likely how they see it.
You’re being a CF of the highest order

Fontofnoknowledge · 21/10/2018 09:13

Its such a lot of old nonsense to get worked up about. She's 4. Mine would have 'asked' to swim with unicorns at 4. The fact that your 4 yr old 'asks for ' more dancing classes doesn't mean you are obliged to facilitate it. ! I promise you it is really really unimportant. In 2 yrs time she probably would have dropped it all in favour of the Karate, Trampolining, football, allotment classes ... whatever the 'thing' is for after school clubs that her friends are doing.

Facilitating clubs really isn't anyone's business but yours. If you can't do it. Don't do it. ! Everyone will live, I absolutely promise that your child won't be forever requiring trauma counselling because they couldn't go to baby dance classes on a Wednesday.

FrancisCrawford · 21/10/2018 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 09:17

My answer to

Can I do x class?

We’ll see.

Investigate, no space on a weekend til next year, can’t get her there...

If she mentions again. Yes darling but you can’t start til x

Total non issue.

Is she your eldest?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 09:17

Instagram - weve asked they said no weve not mentioned it since nor have we mentioned that they in our eyes could assist but are chosing not to. We've also not mentioned dn or their commitments with her to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 09:19

Oh and dns activities are in the week the weekends are in addition to that to facilitate bils social life

OP posts:
TheStopAndChat · 21/10/2018 09:20

You sound like such hard work OP, I'd love to know what your ILs think of you. Really think of you.

When my 4yr old wanted to do something that wasn't practical or reasonable, I said no if I couldn't swing it. There is nothing wrong with asking the GPs and everything wrong with not accepting their telling you they can't do it. That you'd prefer your dn to sacrifice something she already does to accommodate your 4yr old is poor form and says a lot about YOU.
You are doing your dd NO favours at all if this is the behaviour you are modelling. Don't kid yourself that she's not going to pick up on any of this and act accordingly. She is.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 09:20

So fucking what?

You sound so jealous.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 09:22

My youngest goes elsewhere when I want to sleep. And fuck my boyfriend.

So fucking what? I mean. Seriously. So what.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2018 09:22

nor have we mentioned that they in our eyes could assist but are chosing not to

Which is a perfectly valid decision.

You sound desperately hard work

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 09:22

Thestop _ dn wouldn't be giving anything up ive explained that in the thread, ive akso explained that we havent mentioned anything to them since

OP posts:
InstagramPork · 21/10/2018 09:23

You’re mentioning it on here though feeling as if you’re in the right.
You’re not. You’re being totally unreasonable but you don’t see it that way.

What do you think they should do? They don’t want to take on any more childcare arrangements, they must be knackered. They said no but that’s not what you want to hear?
So do you think they should now drop their existing commitments to DN because your DD wants to do an extra class? In your eyes is this fair?

Wind your neck in and DD can start classes at Easter.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 09:24

I like my social life. I loved even more of it when I was a single parent and working full time. I had every other weekend free but sometimes I went out when it was my weekend and the kids went to babysitters.

I shall self flagellate now.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2018 09:24

OP - you’ve not addressed why your daughter can’t wait to start the classes when you can fit it in your schedule.

InstagramPork · 21/10/2018 09:25

You’re not getting it OP!!!
They don’t want to have to do the extra running around. End of. Drop it.
Your kid is in nursery FGS, waiting a couple of months to start an extra dance class isn’t going to harm her.

There’s loads of things my kids can’t do because I work. It’s life. Just explain to DD that it clashes with the other classes so she has to wait until her timetable changes

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