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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed

258 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 20:52

I know im probably abu

Dd(4)has asked to start an additional dance class in a different style, the sat class doesn't fit with the timings of her current dance class so theyve offered her a midweek class

Ils have said they wont take her as they have commitments with dn in the week with her clubs and its too much

I respect its their time and decision bit i can't help feeling a bit annoyed as it just feels so one sided because

Its not a long term commitment as in 2 terms dds current class time will change and the sat class will fit

We rarely ask for weekend childcare but dn is there every weekend

Its 14 miles round trip to dance dns school is a 60 mile round trip with clubs

Both pils drive so if theres occasional clashes it could still be done

It just feels so unfair that dd has to miss out

Aibu to feel miffed

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 21:58

Nick- they could help us if they wanted to they have 2 cars and we ask for minimal assistance but they wont its clearly their choice and if they treated both dgc the same id get that but they dont that's why im miffed

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 20/10/2018 22:00

but it's not their responsibility . Just let it go. She's got the rest of her life to go to dance classes

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:01

Mother - if they didn't do clubs for dn then yes youd have a valid point but they do twice a week but wont for my dd nothing to do with entitled just feels unfair

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 20/10/2018 22:01

""Mimi her age is irrelevant if she enjoys the activity surely?""

It's massively relevant when you want someone who is very busy midweek, so wants their Saturdays to themselves, to facilitate it.

They are entitled to a break.

Would they just be dropping her, or would it involve hanging around and bringing her home? What would your DN do in that time?

Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:03

So they have prior commitments with “dn” clubs and don’t want to add to it. That’s absolutely ok and you can’t be annoyed about it!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:03

Birds - Saturday we would do me we dont work weekends niether does bil if that matyers, we want one lift on a week day thats it

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 20/10/2018 22:04

You said yourself it’s two terms until her classes on a Saturday fit. So she’ll just have to wait. You asked, they said no. Which they are more than entitled to do. Your DN’s parents asked first and they committed to that.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:05

Nick- i dont think that's ok actually its a massive inequality between the 2 dgc

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:06

But they don’t have to be absolutely equal. They find it too much to add on to what they are already committed to doing. Unless you expect your niece to drop classes to enable your daughter to go?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:09

Not miss classes no but bil could stop piling childcare on at weekends even though he doesn't work and book a babysitter so ils dont feel so snowed under

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:10

It’s up to your in laws to deal with the weekend childcare. But that isn’t anything to do with you anyway.

Even if they didn’t have her at weekends then it still doesn’t make the mid week any easier.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:12

As long as dn and bils life isn't disrupted

OP posts:
Awrite · 20/10/2018 22:16

I feel really sorry for your pil.

Dh and I work ft so all clubs are evenings or weekends. My kids understand that. They may not always like it but hopefully they won't grow up to be whiny, entitled and ungrateful. Which is what you are coming across as ...

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:18

Awrite- dd current clubs are weekends me and dh do them all not ils

OP posts:
FreshEyre · 20/10/2018 22:21

Fine to be 'miffed' that you feel it's unfair but It sounds as if PILs already help you out so I would be grateful for that given that lots of parents don't have any help at all.

Your DD can do that class in a couple of terms. Just accept that's the case for now and try to stop comparing how much PIL do for DN and DD.

It's great to have help but I tend to think that the more self-sufficient parents can be when it comes to childcare the better.

Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:21

Apart from this mid week one you want them to do which they can’t.

Your daughter will just need to be told “no”.

Awrite · 20/10/2018 22:23

Yeah, maybe I'm being harsh. It's just I've never asked either set of parents to take kids to clubs. Weekday after school ones have always been no-nos.

Just look on it as character building for your dd to have to wait.

Singlenotsingle · 20/10/2018 22:24

They probably feel they've taken enough commitments on at the moment, without any more added. Grandparents get tired, you know, and YABU to say they both drive! It's not fair to expect them both to go taxi-ing dgc around, regardless of what they actually want to do themselves!

TeddybearBaby · 20/10/2018 22:25

You was always going to get a hard time on here. MN’s hate it when people ask for help:

  1. ESP for childcare and
  2. ESP from grandparents
MynameisJune · 20/10/2018 22:27

It’s not the asking that people hate, it’s the entitled way some people think their parents/in laws owe them babysitting or whatever.

PIL have DD all the time, and I’m super grateful for it. But if they say no that’s okay, even though they’ve practically raised my 11 year old DN.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:28

They haven't overcommited with my dd but clearly have with dn, not a popular view but they should be prepared to help us in the same way

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:29

It’s not about getting a hard time. I use grandparents for childcare sometimes although I primarily use a childminder.

But when it comes to clubs and activities I work it round our jobs or they don’t do them.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:30

Nicky if they dont want to help with clubs thats fine but of should be for BOTH dgc

OP posts:
FreshEyre · 20/10/2018 22:33

MN’s hate it when people ask for help

Not sure I agree with this. I see lots of people being upset that GPs have declined requests for help when the poster feels, for all sorts of reasons, that they should be helping or doing more. I also see posters being upset that GPs haven't offered to help but they haven't actually been asked.

MynameisJune · 20/10/2018 22:33

No it shouldn’t, only in your eyes. Clearly not in theirs. It’s their time, they can help whoever they want.