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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed

258 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 20:52

I know im probably abu

Dd(4)has asked to start an additional dance class in a different style, the sat class doesn't fit with the timings of her current dance class so theyve offered her a midweek class

Ils have said they wont take her as they have commitments with dn in the week with her clubs and its too much

I respect its their time and decision bit i can't help feeling a bit annoyed as it just feels so one sided because

Its not a long term commitment as in 2 terms dds current class time will change and the sat class will fit

We rarely ask for weekend childcare but dn is there every weekend

Its 14 miles round trip to dance dns school is a 60 mile round trip with clubs

Both pils drive so if theres occasional clashes it could still be done

It just feels so unfair that dd has to miss out

Aibu to feel miffed

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:33

So you want them so stop your nieces classes because they can’t do your daughters? That’s not fair on your niece just because you have decided your daughter should have more classes.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:36

Nick- no but it should be an equal commitment for both dgc

OP posts:
FreshEyre · 20/10/2018 22:36

I'm curious to know what DN's classes are and what age she is.

Is it possible that they see a swimming class for an 8yr old as more important than an additional dance class for a 4yr old?

Volant · 20/10/2018 22:37

Who looks after your daughter on the day of the new class? Can they take her, maybe if you pay for a taxi?

Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:38

But they can’t commit. That’s the point. It’s clashing and causing disruption.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:39

Fresh its rainbows and beavers for dn dd does ballet tap and drama on a sat but wants to start street

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:40

Volant ils have her

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:40

So she needs to wait. It’s not for long.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/10/2018 22:40

Nick it shouldn't be a disruption they have 2 cars and dd is there anyway

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/10/2018 22:42

They have said no. You need to respect that and just wait until it is changed to the day that suits.

aprilanne · 20/10/2018 22:51

my inlaws have always favoured my bil children now my adult children hardly visit them but never mind .sorry but a four year old does not need all those classes your inlaws dont want to just let it go just forget it i did made my life easier

squiggleirl · 20/10/2018 22:51

It all depends on how similar in age the 2 grandchildren are.

My kids are older than my sibling's children. For years, my children were the only grandchildren in the family, and my parents gladly helped out. They brought my kids to activities that we otherwise wouldn't have been able to bring them to. A routine was developed.

My sibling then had children. They immediately expected my parents to do the same number of things with their child as mine. It was a disaster. My parents didn't want to tell my kids they weren't bringing them to activities because they had a new grandchild - that felt like a way of creating resentment between the children. My parents weren't physically able to double their amount of commitments, but it also would have been crazy to expect them to limit the amount of things they did with their existing grandchildren, on the off-chance that further grandchildren would be born 10 years later.

The age of the children is also really important, as bringing a 4 year old to an activity, is very different to bringing a 10 year old. The older child is largely chaperoned, and only needs supervision, not childcare, like a younger child does.

Also, people age. What someone may have been able to do for a 4 year old 5 years ago, is not necessarily something they are able to do now.

MarthasGinYard · 20/10/2018 22:56

'Nick it shouldn't be a disruption they have 2 cars and dd is there anyway'

You sound so entitled

One of lifes takers

Your Dc your responsibility

m0therofdragons · 20/10/2018 23:09

But they will miss quality time with your dd. Maybe they committed with dn but regret it now but hard to end arrangement. I think time with grandparents is more valuable than a club and I'd be happier my dc has time with gps than were taxied to clubs. It's fine you asked but also fine they said no!

Kaykay06 · 20/10/2018 23:19

It’s not fair no, but life isn’t fair either and it’s sad that they do more for dn than your dd but it’s not their ‘job’ to take your dd to clubs or anywhere else really. She will have to wait till she can go on Saturday.

I’ve no parental support or inlaws to pick kids up or take them anywhere, it’s crap their dad or I do it or they don’t go. Appreciate what they do do and move on

RedDrink · 20/10/2018 23:25

It sounds like they're playing favourites and kids quickly pick up on that so I can see why you're upset.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 07:31

sorry but a four year old does not need all those classes

Im not sure what youre basing that on my dd loves to go each week and is a very active child so it suits her

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 07:35

Sqiggle- dn is 6 and dd is 4.

Dn has only been doing her activities for about 6 months ish

OP posts:
LotsToThinkOf · 21/10/2018 07:38

I agree with you OP, if the GPs can take her to a class when you're working, but choose not to, it's awful for your DD. Sounds like they're playing favourites.

Can you not make alternative arrangements?

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 07:44

Your DD is 4. Make her wait.

No is a complete sentence and all that.

None of your business what they do for your niece up to them

And you will never be happy if you look to make relationships equal all the time. It will never work. You can’t.

My kids are massively different in age. I had different family set ups and money with oldest to youngest. My elder ones had a totally different relarionship with my parents and my grandparents, as an example.

You sound massively entitled and a pain in the ass with the “two cars” comment.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/10/2018 07:47

They pick up your dd three times a week from nursery. Have I got that right?

And now you want them to take on another weekly commitment with her?

Bloody hell OP. You are being really unreasonable expecting this of them.

MarthasGinYard · 21/10/2018 07:50

3 times a week already 

And it's not 'quality time' with GP's as it sounds like it's childcare purposes.

Gizlotsmum · 21/10/2018 07:51

I think there are 2 issues here.

They are within their rights to refuse to take anyone to a class but in reality they are only refusing your dd, which feels unfair.

However it would also be unfair to tell dn that one of her activities needs to stop to allow dd to go to a class. The fact that they do more childcare for bil is seperate.

I’m not sure saying anything would change it but you could tell them it feels uneven...

BabyItsAWildWorld · 21/10/2018 07:51

They already have a commitment.

Not everything can be'equal' a prior commitment will always take precedence. It's just an unfortunate clash.

Your moaning that they won't use both cars and they still want front row seats for dance shows is deeply unpleasant.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/10/2018 07:52

Through - they do at their request we were signing dd up for after school club but ils asked us not to

OP posts: