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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

331 replies

salterello1 · 20/10/2018 12:10

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/10/2018 13:34

If it's just mess, I wouldn't worry about it. You said the mum was nice..it's not the end of the world. If it was a crack den or untreated sewage, spilling out, then I'd see your point!

davisday · 20/10/2018 13:35

The people who have commented on me being 'judgemental' or 'snobby' clearly just want to antagonise a discussion and this has made me feel more certain of my decision.

You mean the ones who didn’t agree with you Hmm

amusedbush · 20/10/2018 13:37

This reply has been deleted

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formerbabe · 20/10/2018 13:38

Everyone has different standar

itsbritneybiatches · 20/10/2018 13:38

Give the OP a break ffs.

Really nasty responses from a few people.

So op might be a bit OCD about germs, tidying up etc. So what. She's entitled to her opinion.

There might be a whole host of reasons the house Is a mess and dirty but the level of nastisness from some responses is a fucking joke.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:39

I don’t care. I know snobby twats with little to do judge me, but I honestly don’t care.

I like my life. My dishes are always done but I don’t dry and put them away they sit on the draining board.

I clean the worktops but I can’t Hoover or mop. You wouldn’t know that to look at me though. You’d judge.

I also don’t care though. To be honest.

formerbabe · 20/10/2018 13:39

Oops...

I was saying

Everyone has different standards. I have a friend who's consider a dirty mug on the side and a scuff on the wall to be squalid. Seriously.

StoorieHoose · 20/10/2018 13:41

I don’t understand why you even went to the door tbh. Your son is 11
He doesn’t need you knocking the door to collect him. You would have been none the wiser on his friends house and you wouldn’t be accusing his family of being hoarders with mental health issues

Original poster
salterello1 · 20/10/2018 13:41

Philomena- my son also has ASD, I didn’t mention it because it wasn’t relevant to the original post and still isn’t

Surely if you were living in these conditions you had (or would have wanted) support to help you? I’m glad you met your DH who has been able to help you.

Before you met DH though, would you have answered the door and said something along the lines of ‘sorry for the mess’ - or did you think it was ok? Did you have children living with you before you met DH?

Most people who live in a complete pigsty would be somewhat apologetic to visitors- but some people think it is normal- it’s not normal or healthy to live amongst filth.

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 20/10/2018 13:41

I would let him go round, as long as I didn't have to spend any time in the house myself, yuck.

Think of it as a bit of practice/training for your kid's immune system ;)

Reaa · 20/10/2018 13:42

You are now mentioning the words Neglect

I really hope you are not my DC friends parent.

Alfie19 · 20/10/2018 13:42

So you ask are you being unfair. A clear majority confirm that you are, and worse. And this makes you feel more certain that you are in the right. Couldn’t make it up.

Nobody is saying anything to antagonise you, it is being said because you are being really horrible.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:43

I don’t say sorry for the mess because I’m not sorry and I wouldn’t lie.

I’m in the writing up phase of a PhD. My house is the bottom of my list.

My boyfriend doesn’t live me me (deliberately - I can’t stand anyone annoying me when I’m writing) so there’s only me here and I have no mental headspace left by the time I PhD.

SheSparkles · 20/10/2018 13:43

Ithink the lesson I will be teaching my child is that it is not normal to live in squalor and I am ok with that

I preferred to teach my children tolerance and not to judge a book by its cover

unicornchaser · 20/10/2018 13:43

Neglect is a safe guarding issue - neglect is also a possibility in this case, none of us know the answer to that

So because they had a few dirty dishes in the kitchen and a dog or 2, the child is now neglected?! God I feel for your kid who clearly must live in a military barracks or OCD proportions!!

I have a dog. I hoover daily. 5 mins later there are clumps of dog hair again. Newsflash, dog hair is not poison.

I also often have dirty dishes lying around as I will only wash dishes when there are enough to fill the sink. Whether that is once or twice a day depends. I don't clean a plate the second it's been used.

My family grew up with the mentality of 'take us as we are, you are visiting us, not judging our home'
None of us were 'neglected' or suffered for it. And this is the mentality I will use too with mine and my sons/family's friends.

If I was the other kids parent, I may well just be disgusted enough by YOU to not want my child to engage with you in any form!

Reaa · 20/10/2018 13:43

You have no idea what the rest of the house looked like, ask your DC.

You have based your whole opinion on a snap shot of what your saw.

Badcat666 · 20/10/2018 13:43

I was a child of a messy house.

It was full of people (i come from a big family and had lots of older siblings) noise, cats, dogs and other fluffy small animals and used to be so embarrassed having friends round as their houses were so clean and tidy. There was always someone somewhere making a mess at home and constant stream of washing up or scuffs on the walls/ paintwork (or dog hair stuck in the paint where dad had painted over the scuffs and then the dog decided to lean on it (why do dogs do that?! why?).

I hated "playing in my room" as I shared it with 3 of my sisters so again was always messy and scruffy but my friends never said anything when I used to say sorry for all the mess.

Until one day when I was around 12, 2 of my more "posher" friends (who were round for tea) asked if they could one night sleep over as they had so much fun and my mum was lovely (she just fed and loved everyone who turned up) and they got to play in our garden with the rabbits and dog and sing along to the radio or records we always had on.

Looking back now when I went round their houses it was always quiet and we weren't allowed to make a mess or run around or make too much noise. it was always eat your dinner then play in their rooms whereas my house was eat your dinner then go play in the garden/ help clean out and feed and play with the rabbits and guinea pigs/ help dry the dishes/ pick flowers from the garden to press them in our old books/ play tag with the dog/ make biscuits or cakes/ watch top of the pops and try and record the songs we liked.

So my house was messy (and there was always washing up to do) but my mum and older siblings always included my friends and I when they did things (we once [when I had 2 girl and 2 boy friends over] stayed out til 9pm helping my brothers fix one of their old manky cars by holding the lights and handing them tools whilst they told us what they was doing and we had flasks of hot choc and cakes to have sitting on the grass verge. One friend still mentions that night) .

Also everyone worked or was at school so Sunday was the "cleaning day" when everyone had a task so the house was a total mess 6 days a week and tidy for 1. Smile

So maybe your son has such a great time at his friends house he doesn't care about the mess? Maybe he gets to have fun and be a kid and not worry about dropping things or making a mess and just has fun!!!

Kids don't see things like we adults do. You may see a messy cesspit of a home, your son may see a little nugget of fun and joy.

TheBigFatMermaid · 20/10/2018 13:45

Surely if you were living in these conditions you had (or would have wanted) support to help you?

Where is all this wonderful help you speak of?

Original poster
salterello1 · 20/10/2018 13:45

I don’t care or judge people on being a bit untidy.

Im talking about clumps of pet hair everywhere- a room where you could barely see the floor for clutter - dirty walls, unpleasant smell, generally disgusting

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/10/2018 13:45

Op you really have over egged it

Pebblespony · 20/10/2018 13:45

Hyacinth Bucket is that you?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/10/2018 13:46

And safeguarding PMSL the most over used under understood term on mumsnet

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:46

I live like that. I don’t want support. It’s fine. I’m happy. No one died. My animals are grand. My kids are fine, fully functioning members of society.

It’s a bit of a messy house. Safeguarding given what you’ve described is an overreaction.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:46

Have you ever had a cat or a dog that sheds?

parkermoppy · 20/10/2018 13:47

It's not the boys fault he is living in this way. For you to prevent your son going to the house is only going to make this boy embarrassed about his own home. You should be teaching your son not to judge other peoples homes, not to avoid homes that aren't up to standard.