to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

[salterello1]

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

[StoorieHoose]

My hall way can look a bit untidy - shoes and jackets all over the place, dirt on the walls where I’ve not had a chance to wipe it down after the dog decides to shake inside rather than outside and yes tumbleweeds of dog hair on every single step.

Anyway your son is 11 - toot the horn or text him to say you are outside

[RollaBowlaBall]

Ok, there’s a big difference between a bit untidy and full on hoarder filthy. If you wouldn’t eat/drink anything made from their kitchen then do not let your DC visit.

Untidy, YABU.

Hoarder YANBU, there will be very high levels of bacteria that could make your child ill. It is not normal to live like that and you have no idea how bad the bathroom/kids room are.

[RollaBowlaBall]

Forgot to say, but don’t end their friendship.

Have the kid over to yours.

[SaucyJack]

Yeah- what you’re describing goes waaay beyond one bad day, or having been a bit busy that week. Trust me- I’ve conducted extensive personal experimentation ;-)

It’s up to you whether you want your child to go back, although at his age I’d say he was perfectly safe.

What’s weird tho is that they don’t have the self-awareness or wherewithal to even tidy up when their son has friends round. That’s indicative that they’re really quite far gone.

[Whoisshequestionmark]

One of my best friends had a very messy house. It's rammed with stuff, dog hair every where and just overwhelmingly cluttered.
She is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. She would do anything for anyone and has a heart of gold.
Never judge someone by their house.
I know many people with spotless houses who are cunts.

[StoorieHoose]

I think you can’t known if someone is a hoarder with one visit and not go any further than a hallway

One day last week my kitchen was a bomb site with dirty pots and plates on every surface but that’s cos I had batch cooked pasta and sauces for the freezer and wanted a sit down and a cup of tea after standing cooking

[mumsastudent]

Huh wait till your son goes to uni! & check out his accommodation how ever tidy he is now.... I would only be worried if the dogs were out of control but by all means invite the dc round to your house as well. I have had friends whose houses were dire but - Oh my goodness - were they great mums! they played with dc & probably had mad cleans when needed - this mum's carpets may be very old & so might her vacuum cleaner & if dc & dogs are going in & out playing it can wreck a house in 5 mins flat. as for the washing up - she probably does it once a day maybe when her dc are in bed not when her dc have other dc to play.

[AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy]

Sounds like my sisters house, when she had 3 young kids. And dogs. And horses. And a blind sheep that lived in the kitchen, at times.

Some people don’t have that “tidy house” gene. If your son’s happy playing there and safe then I’d let him go. Dog hair and untidy rooms wouldn’t bother me.

[Elephant14]

So people really DO judge you on the state of your house? That's me fucked then, I can't be your friend OP - nice lesson to teach your child BTW.

[salterello1]

I don't want the my son or other child to potentially end their friendship - so he can come over here. It wasn't a bit untidy - it was hoarder type filthy so not really comfortable with the dirt / dust and bacteria.

I think it could also be a sign of potential mental health problems which is none of my business and that's also something I feel uncomfortable with.

[BruegelTheElder]

This can't be real.

[bringbackthestripes]

yes you would BU to try and discourage it. He obviously had a nice time and is happy to spend time with his friend in a relaxed environment.

[Beaverhausen]

@salterello1 I am with you OP, people can call me judgmental or a snob I do not care there is no need for anybody to live in filth these days or clutter.

You do not need to learn how to clean a house it is natural, I hope that I am raising my daughter with the same standards as myself and quite frankly nothing wrong with having standards.

Would i stop my child from visiting, yes I would, her friend would be more than welcome here but knowing my daughter she would not want to return as she can not stand smells or dirty dishes.

[RedSkyLastNight]

If it's not there already, in a year or 2, your DS's room will start to resemble a pit where it is unwise to enter without a full protective suit.
And - guess what? That's where he'll want to hang out with his friends. DC this age, do not really care about the mess.

Also your son is 11 not 4 ... if he feels uncomfortable about any part of the visit he has the ability to remove himself from the situation (or he should have anyway)

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If there is a parental mental health issue in the family it’s not a reason to end a friendship, surely? Your ds may even learn a thing or two about how to be an empathetic adult. If the dirt and mess doesn’t worry him, why should it worry you? My dd hates dirt and mess so we have had her friend to ours in the past and used the excuse that dd likes being just the two of them - the girl has a couple of siblings. That said the girls house is not like you describe so I doubt dd would go back tbh.

[Rebecca36]

I sincerely hope you didn't express your disgust to your son. In any case he is old enough to choose whether or not to go there.

Sounds like my house except I don't have dogs but have cats.

[salterello1]

I'm going with my gut feeling that it is not normal to live this way and the child is welcome to come over ours.

I think the lesson I will be teaching my child is that it is not normal to live in squalor and I am ok with that

Thank you for your comments.

[PositivelyPERF]

I think it could also be a sign of potential mental health problems which is none of my business and that's also something I feel uncomfortable with.

Don’t worry, mental health problems aren’t contagious. 🙄 FFS

[Houseonahill]

I had a friend like this growing up, her mum would proudly talk about how she hadn't swept or mopped in 10 years, they cleaned the bathroom weirdly but literally nothing else, her mum was a hoarder and they had a huge hairy dog. She was the best friend I had in school and still is to this day, her mum is still living the same way but my friend doesn't any more. Don't punish the boy for his parents bad house keeping.

[Oblomov18]

Loads of people on Mumsnet hoard. Or are not that tidy. Not everyone lives by the 'organised mum method'!!

My house is always 'respectable' but I only work part time.

Seriously. You are so judgemental. You never answered the previous questions:

What harm do you think is going to come to your son?
Food poisoning? A bit of dog hair on his school trousers?

You get that anyway. Ds2 goes to his best friends house for tea, which is spotless, but try gave 2 dogs, who he adores and spends the whole time cuddling. And he comes home covered.
And? The issue is? They go in the wash immediately. And? There thus is no issue.

Now you're starting to get desperate, scraping the barrel, and started to imply that you're caring about her possible mental health issues? Oh purlease! You don't convince me.

[category12]

What harm do you think could actually come to your ds?

A bit of dirt or untidiness isn't going to hurt him on a visit.

If the parents are hoarders, yes, hoarding is a mental health issue, but it's not one that is going to harm your son.

[CaveDivingbelle]

my house,can be messy but 5 minutes putting away can sort it...but I get you OP. We were invited for a meal with my children's friends and their parents at their house. The kitchen was rank. They had recycle bins with peelings in overflowing,there were flies, cats on the worktop,piles of junk...and it reeked. It was beyond a bit untidy. I fed my meal sneakily to the dog under the table as the thought of eating there made me feel sick. They were lovely caring people....but I've never seen anything like that house. I'm guessing that's pretty much what you're talking about...

[agirlhasnonameX]

You do not need to learn how to clean a house it is natural
Huh?? 
If it was so bad that he was at risk of being exposed to harmful bacteria I guess fair enough.
I tend to think people with kids and overly clean houses are more likely to have problems, but wouldn't judge someone on this alone either way.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

You sound like a judgmental prick.