to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

[salterello1]

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

Pleased you're not my friend!!

I guess you don't have pets?

Broken wing - exactly, I see red flags too, but of course I don't have (or want to have) any further details as to the how, why, when or whatever.

None of my business and hopefully never will be.

House is disgusting - IMO uninhabitable - mental illness or not it's totally inexcusable. He's not going back and if I am asked why by anyone I will be truthful and say it is squalid.

I also think these issues are a potential safe guarding issue. Nothing to do with snobbery

It’s impossible for other to be able to judge the extent of the mess/dirt based on your description so no one else is going to be able to help you on this one. What you are describing could be evidence of neclect but we haven’t seen it so we don’t know. If there are neglect issues in the family I wouldn’t want my child going round there either.

Agreed. Op only actually took one step in the door, in the OP.

Now it's progressed to MH issues and nowhere clean to sit: more details. ONLY to justify her ignorant snobby attitude.

Going to someone's house less than spotless, Doesn't bother me. But OP herself sure makes ME want to vomit! 🤮

I know mental illnesses aren't contagious - that's not the issue is it? Mental illnesses can make individuals make potentially poor decisions and unpredictable though can't they?

Wow!!

Let me set you straight! I am disabled, in pain pretty much any time I stand up. I also, unsurprisingly, suffer from depression. The combination of these two things mean that right now my house is a mess. There is a pile of dirty dishes waiting to be washed, the living room carpet is very much in need of a vacuum. There is a lot of mess.

This DOES NOT mean I will make poor decisions that will affect any visiting children. It does not mean any child who came into my house would come to any harm in any way.

I hope the woman stops her DS from hanging out with you, your nasty judgemental attitude is far more damaging than anything going on in my home or hers.

“I’ve been so busy with kids, having kids friends over, work, pets and goodness knows what else, I’ve just not had time to tidy the house.
It would be nice if one of the other parents had my kids round to theirs for the day so I finally have chance to clean and tidy up, but so far, no ones offered”

Just to keep you informed op, people with no mental health issues frequently make poor decisions too. Shocking I know.

Mental illnesses can make individuals make potentially poor decisions and unpredictable though can't they?

And individuals can make poor decisions without mental health issues too - I know I've some some real howlers!

My house is a mess.

I have managed to successfully raise my children. One in uni, One going next year. Successful, happy, well rounded individuals. One is studying for a pilot license, the other planning to go as far as PhD level.

Not sure wtf my house has to do with any of it. I don’t have mental health issues, I’m just messy. Have low organisational skills, prioritised the children’s needs and support over a clean kitchen.

Honestly, quit the judging. Drop the pfb and let your DC make their friend choices.

I think you're letting your imagination run riot op.

safeguarding issue
You’re expecting her to be leaving her rusty knife collection lying around or something...?

May I be so bold as to ask you.
Why did you start this thread when you knew what your intentions were regardless of what any of us said.

But it's not just a 'messy' house I am walking about - it's a bit more than that. It's filthy - surely that can't be healthy (physically or mentally) for the people living there?

I think people commenting on mental health issues have completely misunderstood what I have said - of course all people can make bad decisions or be unpredictable - but when you are faced with the scene I was faced with it does send alarm bells ringing which may or may not be related to mental health. Either way as I have also said, it's none of my business and I don't want it to be.

I am not ignorant of mental health, but I trust my gut instinct which in this case was not good

when you are faced with the scene I was faced with

OP, read this a few times until you understand how fucking dramatic you sound.

Honestly, it’s not a multiple murder crime scene.

I didn't know what intentions I had - I was a bit more on the fence. The comments have actually pushed me to thinking it is not unacceptable.

The people who have commented on me being 'judgemental' or 'snobby' clearly just want to antagonise a discussion and this has made me feel more certain of my decision.

I'm not dramatic at all - just don't like filth

Neglect is a safe guarding issue - neglect is also a possibility in this case, none of us know the answer to that

Well as he’s 11 he’s pretty sturdy (wouldn’t take a baby there) and it’s not his friend’s fault. He probably wishes it were more like his friends’ houses). It’s not like he’s moving in. Let him go. Maybe mum’s depressed - how about making friends with her and it might turn out you can help in some careful way.

Please read my post OP.

I am trying very hard not to say what I want to you OP.
You saw dog hair, a piles of stuff etc and made this horrible judgement.
If you had seen my house at 8am there was a banana milkshake and crushed Doritos on the lounge floor, recycling piled up by the front door to take out, the sink was full of yesterday’s dinner stuff, the baby was running about in pjs covered in snot and food. 5 hours later my house is spotless and the baby is clean. I hope no one I know would have judged me if they had seen the state of my house at 8am!

I really hope no one you know needs support with MH issues, you probably won’t go near them in case they start being unpredictable.

Stop being such a judgemental snob and let your son be friends with who he wants to. Although with a mother like you he will probably be the child who doesn’t want to bring friends home.

My house is messy. There’s fluff on my stairs and my floors are filthy.

I have an invisible disability - not MH - and I generally don’t care anyway. I have six loads of washing on my dining room table. I’ll sort them next week. Or maybe not.

I do a specific job that is all consuming at times and when it is the house goes to pot. (Like now)

You’d hate me.

No comment:

"I'm not ignorant of mental health"

"Mental illness or not there's no excuse" ( You words no one else's)

There for ithink well agree to disagree otn that one.

You are right about one thing though. There are no excuses. There are reasons. !!!!!!